Boundaries

[rva_jeremy]

but if it makes you feel like you're not serving the creator then maybe you shouldn't do it? For me, choosing to do something I don't want to do simply to please another always ends up making me feel good in the end. But still this isn't the choice I always make. Bc choosing myself over others also makes me feel good at times.

I think a lot of positive people have this kind of "learned helplessness" (perhaps a form of Ra's "unintentional slavery") because of how many games go on in human interaction.  We wish to be fearlessly honest and forthright and helpful, and you can get burned so bad.  It's clear that there are more dimensions to how human beings relate than their overt statements and actions.  If you don't pick up on this subtler version of communication, you learn that it's dangerous to broadcast what you want so clearly.  

Then every desire to express love and light goes through the filter of worrying about how it will land -- not in itself a bad thing, but it pulls us out of the magic of the intent behind a desire.  It is well to consider the impact of an action on another; just don't leave yourself out.

So it really comes down to recognizing your own worth, that your desires are the key, and that you cannot use the illusion to reflect your desire until you stop using the illusion to reflect what you don't desire.  The resentment comes not from choosing to serve, but being stuck in a mode of thinking that says you don't have a choice.  That's the piece that is missing, Isis: for some of us, we don't even recognize that we have a choice, so of course we always feel self-pity and victimization.  

That's what I meant in the original posts: you can't genuinely serve unless you have made the choice freely.  The realization that it is your choice and that it's better to err with open eyes than to demur and avert them is intoxicating.  I have been so much more generous and helpful this past week because I knew I could always say no.  I have been able to do for others with an open heart instead of resentfully or engaging in some kind of "covert contract" where I help them and then stew over the fact that my help was not appreciated or reciprocated.  I always felt small because I thought feeling big meant being arrogant and selfish and self-centered.

I notice that a lot of my past behavior of resentment and anxiety came from not wanting to accept the way things and people are.  I felt I was owed certain treatment, that I was entitled to be understood fairly, that I shouldn't be tested and judged by others and how dare they.  I would never treat them like that; why would they do so to me? Unfairness and self-pity followed.

Now I realize: we all test each other, consciously or subconsciously, we all make mistakes, there's no point resisting or worrying about it.  If people want to think you're gross/ugly/bad/mean/stupid/etc., there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. People have their own catalyst and lessons; focus on saying what you mean and meaning what you say, and it all kind of falls in place.

It reminds me of a reading I once received, complaining about spiritual stagnation, which advised:

Throw caution to the wind, as the wanderer’s job does involve a certain degree of, shall we say, recklessness. The drive shaft must be fully engaged in the vehicle in order for propulsion to occur. The stagnation of which you speak relates back to the persistence of the material illusion in its capability to rob the personality self of the overview that presents the necessary catalyst to more fully appreciate the oneness within the self.

That was over 10 years ago, and now I know precisely what the entity was trying to convey to me.  I really resonated with this Q'uo excerpt, which closed the loop on what I needed to understand:

We would say to the questioner that it is well to come into a relationship with the self in which there is no fear, no tension, no judgment, and no tendency towards discouragement. The days of an incarnation are very limited and it is well to win freedom from the judgment towards the self that compromises that relationship of self to self. This instrument has often described the desired result of such work as falling in love with the self. When you are in love with someone, they can do no wrong. They might make an error, but it is a small thing. The essence of that person is so appreciated and seen in such a strong and clear light that there are simply ways to love that entity based on their imperfections as well as their perfections.

It is easier for the thoughtful and sensitive seeker to love another with that kind of romantic glow than it is to love the self with that same aura of deep appreciation and respect and yet, dear one, you deserve it. You have earned it over and over. You are worthy.

That made me understand: you love yourself in spite of the mistakes. The you that is worthy can do no wrong that is so bad that it's worth giving up on your love.