Boundaries

[rva_jeremy]

Another part of this approach I'm taking that I just had some insight into:

There's a lot in my relationship with my wife that takes the form of a "dog whistle". I get tricked (notice I didn't say "she tricks me") into thinking I have to defend myself from a request or accusation I find unfair or beyond the pale. This creates a sense of outrage in me because why should I have to do this? Then I get resentful because no matter how much I comply it's never enough.

The problem I'm starting to see is that I'm focusing on somebody else's acceptance of me instead of my own. If I know I didn't do anything wrong, admitting I'm sorry is dishonest. The wisdom and love comes through when I take the time to help my wife see that, instead of just bolting or being stone-faced while she cries. BUT--and this is a big but--I don't have control over her acceptance. I can't make her feel differently, and jumping over myself, trying and trying to please her just because I don't like the reality that has been reflected, only makes me anxious and makes her feel like this kind of behavior is how we should relate. I can only make her happy in the long run when I'm happy.

Just because I'm accepting myself doesn't mean she will accept me. The point is that has to be ok. I have to accept her, where she's at, and respect her right to feel as good or bad as she wants. While I can't control her emotions, and realize that I don't want to, I can give her a stable south pole to her north.

And what about my emotions? Ah, that's the treasure underneath all of this crap. One of the things I've been working on is figuring out what I want, what my desire is. But if I'm seeking approval from others all the time, I'm not getting in touch with my emotions -- I'm deferring that inner work to seek a reward controlled by somebody else. Until you're being honest, your emotions conflicting with your thoughts and actions will cause great distress and disorientation. So I feel like I'm really seeing some deep, deep parts of myself clearly for the first time in a while: my resentment at not being appreciated, my outrage at the mere idea that others would want to control or manipulate me, my lack of respect for myself.

If you knock, the door will definitely be opened. This principle has never failed in my life; the mystery is why one keeps walking away from this truth!