[split] "The dark attacks from the shadow ..."

[Jade]

Jade, while I agree majorly with you...I must tell you its not a fair external judgment to say I didn't go beyond Green Ray in activation back then.  I did crystallize my indigo ray, but by the time I did I did enter into the martyr complex which being unable to get back to where I was (an activated kundalini indigo ray is a very, very nice place to be) the natural human judgments began.

I was very crystallized in blue ray, and my Green Ray's nested Pink Ray had been so opened, I could see incoming catalyst long before it confronted me, I was skirting The Razors Edge of Time, picking and choosing my path, which time line to go down you could say, rather than just fumbling forward.  When that stopped soon after, the powerlessness feeling to come was not pretty.

I would agree with you. I wasn't trying to say you never got above the green ray - but your green ray opened, which allows you to jump into the blue ray, and if you have experience in that as well, the indigo is there -  I think when we "awaken", we all get a good taste of the indigo to know its flavor. And I remember your posts, you had a very clear blue ray and spoke with lucidity. You still do that now but it is punctuated with moments of frustration and spite. It is possible to get back to where you were without working too hard - it's not about hard work, it's about dedication. That's the only reason I rail on about polarity - as with most things, we have to prove to the universe that we really want it. Dedication to polarity is a tool to get the body's energetic systems functioning in a predictable way, so that the catalyst of day-to-day living never seems to be too much.

I have thought often, that I should try again, try again, try to polarize again, try to raise kundalini again.  Try, try.

But I hurt and am tired.  I don't want to do it alone...And so...I'm not, not until I have a friend I can meditate weekly with...I can talk with about all of these things.  Do yoga with and just attempt to be polarized with.

This truly is not lone wolf work in 3D, even if you're a loner like I...The effects that follow can shake even your own foundation, and at those times without some support or someone to lean on, there's a chance of a falling down collapse.  Crashing into the self.  Sucks.  Does not feel good.

I know it's very hard, but it's likely that you're learning the lesson of self-sufficiency. You don't need anyone else. In fact, the more quickly you "take care" of yourself and put yourself into metaphysical order, you will attract more people into your life who are also into the same things you are. Two entities who don't meditate or do yoga don't often find each other and just start doing it together. But, set the example and others will follow. I probably meditated for almost a year by myself before my husband started doing it daily, too.

And, you are always welcome to our weekly Saturday AM meditations, if you can make it. It doesn't matter if you haven't meditated all week, we'd be happy to have you.

I Think everything will be okay, even if I don't graduate, I wouldn't mind another life...Maybe I'll make it not so lonely that/this time.

I don't think you have anything to worry about not graduating. You're barely a quarter through this incarnation. But you're right, even if you don't, it will definitely be okay.

By god I look back and still scare myself.  If I had violent tendencies I would've been a true danger to others...I thank my soul for formulating me as a gentle giant...

I couldn't bear to actually do the many horrible things my mind conjures up...  I often now a days wish I could stop the violent thoughts, but instead I accept them, and just let them play out then sigh and move on.

Sounds like you might be scared of your own power, which would be where the indigo work for your resides. I get that, I promise. That's why I also feel like it's important to be dedicated to using my powers on the "good" spectrum - if I am powerful enough to destroy worlds, I am powerful enough to heal them.