[split] "The dark attacks from the shadow ..."

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

The first problem I'd say, is you misunderstand me.  I dropped Polarity in the sense of LEFT/RIGHT BLACK/WHITE UP/DOWN for something closer to Left/Middle/Right, Black/Graey/White, Up/Center/Down.  But much closer to an infinity that touches all things in potential and a majority of known things in manifestation.

I wouldn't...I mean...Okay, it's not incorrect to say I'm 'polarized' or 'charged' but I don't personally feel it, but I am heavily biased as the one time I ever felt Polarized and Charged was during my initial awakening where I literally made it for several months my life's work to Be of Service To Others via Work in Consciousness.  As I said, the feelings that came were Bliss and a sensation I can only say to be 'Positivity' as an Emotion.  I witnessed my anger shed away, my fear and paranoia shed away, my sadness shed away, all things just fell like petals curling back to reveal the nectar inside the flower.

As those flower petals rose once more once the initiation was falling away, the end result was pain, suffering, and Catalyst I could not handle.  In retrospect, the greatest thing learned from all of that was that Polarity does not change anything around me, only Myself.  And Myself, was in no way enough.  Alone, I was a Sun in Space, shining my light into nothing in all directions.  It wasn't a waste, but for me, I failed myself so badly, so profusely that the judgment that came with being unable to maintain myself in those ways was killer, murderously furious hatred at myself that I reflected outwards back into the Universe in fury at being given something for nothing.  Getting my Indigo Ray Crystallized only for that moment to mark the end and falling of the Kundalini.

I don't believe myself to be Polarized or Charged ever since the moment I said out loud and truly meant it, that I was not of Service to Others, that I was a failure in that aspect and I could not uphold the mantle of Adeptwork or Work in Consciousness.  When I exclaimed to the universe that I was not good enough, I was only on the first level of rock bottom, the next came when I began to believe I was literally stuck inside of Hell, a metaphysical prison incarnation of 'freedom' in slavery, meant to suffer to learn and nothing more for reasons I knew nothing of, suddenly the Ra Material posited 'A Fancifully Dressed Like Heaven Hell'.  And even then, the final bottom was when I was beginning to lose my mind, when logic ceased to be logical and nothing made sense anymore because everything that once did now no longer did, reality had blurred into insanity, or I was in a prolonged state of psychosis where I was constantly desiring to kill myself and take out all the horrible people that made me miserable at the same time.  Being non-violent by default, it never came anywhere near to any violent occurrences happening in my life, but there were times, many, at one time for a week straight, where I'd pick up my knife twice or thrice a day, place it on my wrist and just think, 'this is the moment I just do it.' with extreme seriousness, with a murderous desire to wreck myself in fury at my failure and patheticness and hatred and anger.  Where I'd hold it pointed at my chest just thinking I should 'Dexter' myself, take out the corroded Artery and end the monstrosity I felt I was.  Just a simple pull of a thrust and that'd be that, no chance of survival.  And I never could, if not for one reason or another, than because I couldn't bare the idea that I'd just wake up and never know I killed myself, back in my life like a prison of infinity where suicide was not an escape from 3D incarnation, and to do it, to kill myself, I'd simply wake up, or 'be' back where I was moments ago not dead, not aware I did anything at all to myself, but still right there about to do it.  That thought alone drove me into places I can't even describe emotionally in words.  It'd have to be seen to be believed, I think I did for a while, Lose my Mind and the only thing that kept me going was the silence of the night, the weed I abused hourly off work, and the knowledge that nothing I could do would change my situation.  I believed myself Stuck, in the worst sense of the word, powerless beyond powerless, a thing that was nothing so much so that I was less than nothing.

I had to take many steps away from all of the Ra Material and Law of One concept to properly reorient myself in the way that was appropriate for my personal mind/body/spirit complex.  Because on the Path of Service to Others I was entering Self Destruction in Judgment of Self for my Failures of what seemed to be a constant infinite nature of being unable to perform as I once did, Services to Others.  I basically wrecked myself.

I am by far, the most strict infinitely cruel judge of my self and the Universe that I know of, capable of ignoring Logic for Madness, using the Method-Behind-The-Madness' Logic to wreck Consensus Reality Logic.  Deeming all Reason as Excuse.

So understand that when I say I dropped Polarity, I mean to say I gave up on it, because if I didn't, I would've killed myself from how much I judged myself.  I had no positive scale to balance out the infinite insanity and darkness I put myself through, no way to reconcile it, until I did the one thing that reconciled everything for me.

Realized that the Ra Material was not a source of ONLY Love and Light, that there was something much darker in those shining Loving words.  Something that...Hurts people more than it aids them.  It was like trying to fit shackles around my being and I was not allowing of it in any manner of that word.  I found bonds and I tore at them with no avail.

And in retrospect, the suffering was poetic.  And looking back, the experience is appreciated and loved, but...  Also a lesson was learned.
Hell is not worth Heaven, and Heaven is not worth Hell.

I dropped key portions of the Mechanics described in the Ra Material, because I became aware of them as...  Things that were based off of Truth, but not The Truth...  Not from what I experienced in reality.

If only that veil would turn away for me to just see, not even know, those behind the scenes who have helped me endlessly for just a moment.  I'd hug them to death, not knowing what else to do or how to express my gratitude.

I'm going to be having my first shroom trip this week probably now that I've procured a 'babysitter' for myself.  I'm only expecting to do this the few times it takes to use up what I have, then after that I'm done with all of it.  I've already quit weed and I've been meaning to make a post about that experience.  I've taken up alcohol and am pretty sure I'm approaching a problem.  The aid that weed and alcohol have given me in falling asleep is addictive more so than how they make me feel.

Hell, I've even taken up an interest in Mixology and Bartending, maybe I've watched too much Archer on repeat and programmed a tendency towards alcohol in myself, or maybe now that I'm passed the stages of quickly getting drunkenly sick, I'm just enjoying it way more than I should.

Last night was an extreme happy drunk, followed by the anger that was ignored due to it coming forth more intensely than usual this morning.  So.  That's a problem.

I'm by far not what I would call, 'polarized', I'm just another person exactly just like you (or you, or you, or you) who is doing the Rounds of Life...  Polarity might have some say in how it all goes about, but it is not something to be focused on. . .  Not unless you've the nature/persona to handle the turbulent onslaught of catalyst that will begin occurring as you enter the Reality Ra posits to be THE Reality, which I see now is not Truthful 100%.  There are infinite realities making up THE (consensus) Reality.  There is a template for sure, but Ra's version is NOT that template.

Not for me anyways.  And as I described in detail above, for a reason, that template is not healthy for me, I am asked by Ra themselves to drop such beliefs.  I did just that.

tl;dr: I don't considered myself polarized, I suffered a lot from the Ra Material version of Reality, I'm no better than anyone else, just want to be healthy and happy, gonna try shrooms this week but only the few times, I quit weed already.  And I might have an addiction problem (with alcohol) for the sake of getting good sleep, that or I just abuse mind-altering substances.

(sorry I'm long-winded)