[split] "The dark attacks from the shadow ..."

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

The Pit of Indifference...  Parsons, you've already done enough to show you're not in it.  You've made a choice, you worry upon your intentions and actions.  You care and Love if only enough to know it.

That alone is enough to be on the outskirts of that sinkhole in my mind in even a STO fashion, as you are also being of STO when you take care of yourself in the name of being healthy to aid others, even if in a selfish light.  STS concepts on the shallow end of the STS scale are what a STO being uses to care for the self, to say no, to silence feelings of negativity.  You can dip your fingers in the darkness if you'll allow that saying, to remain better illuminated yourself.  Just as you're expected to cloth yourself and take care of your personal health sometimes at the expense of others, it's acceptable in that you do so for a reason, a purpose or intent.

But I still desire and (sometimes) actually do control catalyst rather than accept it. My fear is that is more than 49% of my polarity. I guess it doesn't really do any good to worry about about that since my polarity cannot be judged by anyone until I am dead. Yet I still think about it (at least occasionally).

It can be of STO to control some catalyst.  Furthermore your polarity can be judged by someone, You yourself.  You're the one doing the judging at the end of your life regardless, no Creator or Guide will tell you to go repeat 3D because you did this or that, it's ultimately up to you if you'll actually reincarnate again, karmacally or not even if you have karma.  Free Will, you will not be forced to reincarnate 3D even if you don't 'Graduate'.

But it is my opinion that you are putting all of the weight of the fear of Percentiles on your Human Persona, when it's your Soul Persona that is accruing that percentile, and maintaining it from incarnation to incarnation.  Your Human Self just effects it much more greatly than your Soul Self can.

Even if you are 49% STS does that mean to you you're also 51% STO?  Because I personally didn't think that was how it worked even before I dropped Polarity.  Speaking from that angle of Polarity, you're worrying about making mistakes on a painting in progress.  That could be an imbalance, it's something to consider balancing with it's exact opposite.  Being confident on the painting in progress, the painting being your Life.  Each day, maybe even each moment is a stroke of the brush, and sometimes we put down dark colors and sometimes we put down glitter paint.

The end result will be a culmination of how it effects your final Percentile, not the sum-total of that Percentile.  If you're here now and a Wanderer, you're already in the 'seniority' or 'close to being Harvested' vibration, as in on a Time/Space level you're either already near 51% STO or 95% STS.  Chances are you're confusing the normal manner of Polarizing for believing you need to actively being pursing it.

As Ra said.  Two steps forward, One step back.  It's easiest to look at the Negative side and feel emptiness for the Positive you actually do.

Just by being, and being of help you Polarize.  Sure you need to consider yourself, maybe that is 'selfish' but it is still a service to others to consider yourself.

Q'uo says it's considered 'selfish' or STS to polarize specifically to be Harvested.  Worry less about the Harvest and Graduation, High School students don't spend their entire High School career worrying about Graduating (well, not entirely true, but I hope you get the gist of my point).  Enjoy the School.  Go to some events.  You'll stumble and fall and make mistakes, you will depolarize one step and polarize two, typically.  Sometimes you fall backwards, sometimes you fly forwards.

There's the Bow and Arrow analogy, what goes back will move forward.  This could be applied to Newtons 3rd Law too, for everything there is an equal and opposite.

Parsons, this is exactly why I dropped the Ra Material's version of Polarity for my own.  It is very easy to judge yourself based off of this Material.

Self Judgment should be done in Love, not fear.  Forgive yourself somewhat.  Look at Gemini, he admits to being an ass hole and still he's a lovable...Very lovable guy.  I imagine you are too, so much so I changed my title to your term for those STO who just sit around BS'ing their polarity (Armchair Spiritualist, I love that).  So check that out, in your STS apparent activity of 'insulting' you showed me a new light.

I'd consider that, A Service, To Another.  And I thank you for that!

If you're in the pit of indifference, you're still polarizing, because that pit applies to people who haven't made their choice, not to people who choose and choose and choose each day to consider themself, to help another, to help the self for another and self.

That's why I say it's the intent.  And if you think your 'negative' actions are negative, but you mean no real actual harm, is it really negative, or just you, being you?  Where's the leeway?  Is it all absolute?  When does yourself at the Higher Levels take a step back and forgive you?  When does the natural creation and mechanics of this Density say 'Hey that's a negative thingy you did!  Depolarize STO Polarize STS mwhaha!' I doubt ever.

Every, Single thing, has an Infinity.  STS can be of STO and vice versa.  You're the one who decides how your Reality operates on your own personal level.

Does being selfish imply Negative Polarity Polarization to you?  So how's that work when you're being selfish for the sake of others?  Selfishly helping someone because you want to?

Selfishly denying others because you want to?

Please tell me what is wrong.  I would go on and on and on but I just want to reiterate variously my point.  Service to Others and Service to Self are basically the same thing.  How do we differentiate them?  Why would we when the mechanics are based off of Intent and Desire, alongside that, while you have what I can only assume is a Social Memory Complex's amount/worth of Souls/Guides aiding you in this life too, deprogramming all the excess bad bits that aren't desired behind the scenes, pointing you un/subconsciously along the way?

Example, I'm a Writer, it goes that I get murder fantasies (and vivid, gory ones too).  Yet, even in those desires to murder, I don't ACTUALLY desire it.

Ra even says, it's healthy not to reject facets of the self, but to keep certain aspects in mental activity only, if not verbal and mental, leave out the Action for the sake of others.  Is me suppressing my urge to go murder my next door neighbor with his Bass while it blasts and rumbles my entire house not a STO thing just as much as it is selfish to mentally murder someone in thought?

Eh hem.  I'm beating the horse to death now.  These are only my opinions, if you don't agree with them, then the least I ask you to reaaaallly consider doing is becoming aware of those 'negative' bits, and balancing them with their opposing opposite 'positive' bits.  Try to see the good in the bad, cause we painstakingly already see all of the bad in the good.