Powered by depression. STS path.

[The_Tired_Philosopher]

I live in infinity, in finity, with free will, but limited choice, with infinite choices, but finite possibilities.

I'm working through hell here to put it in alignment with heaven (or however the relatives of those two words can reconcile.)

I'm not the most open at this time but not for lack of trying.  Its like I'm constantly in an emotional psychosis losing empathy to apathy and constantly getting mad at being as am as I try to keep it together and it all sorts off into tangents and reasons that are empty.

Polarity doesn't make sense to me in the ways explained because I don't Think I'm here in regards to polarity.   I actually view polarity overall, STS and STO as farces for STA.  I see no polarity, just a Singular energy dancing in various ways.  Maybe that makes me 'confused' but I feel I see somewhat clearly a darker aspect of being alongside a slightly clearer lighter aspect, yinyang 3D torus style, and underneath this farce of duality is a singularity where both stem from.

So I see polarity and I see through it.  Similarly, I see through negative tinged interactions in person now.  Its...why I'm leaving my job, this place is very dark and very unhealthy mentally and emotionally.

Anywho: Until someone here realizes reality as per the Ra Material makes use of pain and discomfort, sometimes in the extreme, for catalytic motivation, I doubt anyone will see how this can create hell for others.  This place is heavenly in a sense by default, but I don't really know how to word it concisely.  Its distorted into mundane, by choice, then turns to hell once severe catalyst start rolling in.
While some people are okay with an empty pointless existence as per faithbound concepts of handling reality, I'm not so satisfied.  And its not an absence of intellectual satisfaction.

I'm truly uncertain why I'm unsatisfied, I intellectually have seen and proved to myself the views I provide to this day.  That was satisfying in a sense that hell is just input/output based illusion or a figment of my own creative reality (I honestly thought I was losing my mind and was furious about it) but is here because it does exist in a sense enough to be considered, not just illusion or created by my self but real for more than just I.

But its not dominant, nor recessive, its just.  A reality-view-altering projection caused by thought.  Poorly maintained thought, and an anger I quit fighting a long time ago.

I'll be fine.  I'm oriented STO and STS in an indifferent way because I am otherwise indifferent to polarity.  I will do how and as I will, if its not enough then its not enough, but...who judges 'enough' and how do the percentiles apply or tally?  I worry not of those things.  I see this polarity duality is no different a religious moral aspect of doctrines.  To cause fear, guilt, shame, and such issues that come with humans adopting a system of literally one way and another, left, right.  A paradigm...  and I seldom enjoy using that word as it leaves no room for unity unless it folds in upon itself.

Min, I agree that I'm not piercing the veil, as well as unable to perform OBE's or Lucid Dream consciously because of limitations I placed on myself that'll probably dissolve (or disintegrate) once I'm done with working on Hell and Horror and look back to Light.
Problem is what Light I see, is very dark.  So I ponder my nature to be negative moving to positive.  Would explain the odd mix of my...beingness growing up...  I feel like a conglomeration of ups and downs all flumsily mashed together.

Its like I want to Love, but once more have put conditions to it due to the abuse I've been put through with unconditional outgiving bringing much...despair where it once brought joy.

So that tells me I need a change.  STA allows for me to do as I will to basically any point, no real wrongs except those I derive to be wrong in moral relationshio to my self, aka its only wrong if I feel it is.  Beyond that, its a personal distortion of actuality and true/real view, its not really or truly wrong, but it is as I make it, real enough to be real thus 'real' and wrong simultaneously, which is paradoxical as real is right morally humanly speaking.

I said I needed a break, I made one where none were. I feel halfway accomplished and halfway exhausted.  I was in heaven, which turned into a nightmare, I woke up to Hell, and realize now I never left Heaven.

My path, I now deem, The Way of Torque.  There's some extreme twisting in my life, causes some very interesting paths and spirals and winding terrains.  I've said before my reality with polarity feels like Something akin to the Matrix of the Spirit.  I'm in a very dark place witnessing dark things to better identify greater variants with their opposite.  Didn't mean I like it but this is STO work, so.  I'm gonna keep at it.  By myself.  Like I have been.

(Why, Why am so I full of words??  I'm sorry for the huge posts...) edit: hey I see my dyslexia showing!