Meditation

[Dani]

Dear Dani,

What you experience sounds difficult, to say the least. I can only imagine the sometimes nightmarish qualities some of your moments must exhibit.

The person closest to me in the world has a host of - what thus far has been - chronic (but fortunately not 24/7) health difficulties. Many times have we been together in the hospital; many times I have witnessed the whole gamut of her suffering: from seemingly unbearable physical pain, to the guilt and sense of being a burden to those she loves, to feelings of being lost and hopeless, to the desire for the cessation of the incarnation as a means of pain-relief, to being confused about the "why" question, to feeling worn down and beaten, to a host of other turbulent emotions. One sometimes questions the intelligence behind this third-density design.

I don’t have the wisdom to know what is cause and what is effect in her case, but having witnessed both her mental and bodily patterns, I suspect a strong linkage between mind and body. (And who knows to what degree the spirit complex plays a role.)

I wonder at times to what extent the beliefs she holds about herself – especially those that pertain to self-worth and self-acceptance – manifest in her body. Again, I don’t Sherlock the cause for her (primarily because I don’t know), but the relationship between mind and body in her case seems very closely related.

And this echoes an idea repeated many times in the Confederation philosophy:

81.14 Ra: The body is the creature of the mind and is the instrument of manifestation for the fruits of mind and spirit. Therefore, you may see the body as providing the athanor through which the alchemist manifests gold.

A shunt is a shunt, of course, and is a physical item creating perhaps, as you surmise, very physical problems. But the shunt may not be the whole of the difficulty. Judging by some of your posting, it seems that there are deeply unloving/unaccepting/self-rejecting perceptions you hold about yourself that may play a strong role in this catalyst, and may need greater reflection.

***********************

One thing that came to my mind while reading your posting to this thread regards your relationship with your family. I may be mistaken, but it seems like your inner experience desperately needs communicated to those closest to you. (In post #69 you conveyed as much.) It seems that in your desire not to be a burden to those with their own pre-existing heavy weight to carry, you bottle up a lot.

I think it can be a noble thing to keep your own suffering uncommunicated out of consideration for others, but only if that can be done in a balanced way. By your accounting, it sounds like you are being eaten up inside by keeping it all to yourself. (Hopefully this thread has served as a healthy outlet.) It sounds like keeping it to yourself increases the internal pressure, and confuses/muddies the dynamic of the family situation.
*If* that is the case, then perhaps you can find a way to share your experience.

18.5 Ra: All things are acceptable in the proper time for each entity, and in experiencing, in understanding, in accepting, in then sharing with other-selves, the appropriate description shall be moving away from distortions of one kind to distortions of another which may be more consonant with the Law of One.

Some ideas that come to mind that might maximize the success of such a venture: perhaps you could schedule a time for your family to be together to share in-person, or choose a harmonious setting (say, a walk if you’re able to walk sufficiently, or in a nearby park, etc.), or whatever else you may do to enhance the set and setting. (Or maybe you could write a letter if being in-person is not an option.)

You could convey that you’re not looking for any particular response, or any particular action in reply, but that, first and foremost, you just need to share your catalyst, you just need to be heard. (Fully recognizing, of course, that they, too, have struggles.) That alone can help lighten the load you carry and create new space for love and light to shine into your experience, and open the window for creative ways to relate to your experience. It is okay to share, Dani. It is okay to have struggles. Your experience is legitimate.

You can convey the difficulty of your experience in a calm, even way, if possible, communicating that you have fears without letting fear grip you; communicating that you have doubts without being overwhelmed by doubt in your presentation; communicating that you have challenges without devolving into hysterics, etc.

Perhaps, even, you could establish a modality whereby you have family meetings so that each family member simply can speak honestly of their experience while the others listen in a mindful, receptive, supportive, loving atmosphere. Perhaps a healing atmosphere can be created for everyone in the house through this or similar means.

55.2 Ra: I am Ra. We scan this instrument and find its distortion towards appreciation of each entity and each entity’s caring, as you may call it. This atmosphere, shall we say, offers the greatest contrast to the discomfort of such psychic attacks, being the reciprocal, that is, the atmosphere of psychic support.

This each of you do as a subconscious function of true attitudinal, mental, emotional, and spiritual distortions towards this instrument. There is no magic greater than honest distortion toward love.

***********************

I know nothing of shunts, but as it seems yours is a source of great difficulty, are you able to go to a doctor on your own to have the situation reviewed? If it requires the consent/help of a family member, could you ask them to assist you?

***********************

Also, have you considered regressive hypnosis as a means of self-discovery? It has proven a powerful mechanism for many people to get to the core of present difficulties, not just to access the seed ideas from which stem present suffering, but to process the trauma/blockage, love accept and forgive it, integrate it, and become healed.

***********************

Finally, I agree with isis in that I think there is something to be said for simple perseverance and endurance. Not, precisely, that we should suffer now for future reward, but rather that there is value in *using* suffering to develop strength of character and sheer GRIT. Not “using” it with some kind of master plan as to what you will do with suffering, but using it by simply enduring: not giving up, not losing faith, not giving in to hopeleness and despair, and not relinquishing the relentless, day-by-day attempt to seek the light and open the heart to forgiveness of self and others.

Your suffering has meaning and purpose, Dani. It alerts you to the work that needs to be undertaken; it calls you forward on your path; it motivates your seeking of healing. And endless though it may seem to be, it represents one small chapter in a book that stretches on far, far beyond the limits of what you or I can conceive.

You are capable of doing this work. You wanted to do this work. You have friends along the way.

All love and light to you, Dani,
GLB

PS: I offer this only in a spirit of food for thought – I am not a trained healer or psychologist, just a seeker stumbling his own way through the darkness. Please ignore my words if they don’t ring something inside of you or offer potentially new leads for your investigation.

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear about your friend. <3
I have spoken with various family members occasionally about our situations as well as my own. While talking helps to a degree, I have understood that many of our problems won't have very fortunate answers, but answers with some light, nonetheless. There aren't many immediate solutions at the moment-one of those being any visitations to the doctor.
As far as I know, I haven't had very serious seizures since June 6th of last year; just shunt complications of various kinds.
I hope that stays the same while my brother visits.

---

Your suffering has meaning and purpose, Dani.

note to dani: the meaning & purpose behind the suffering is the brownie points, trust me

note to zm: imo, a romantic notion is a good notion

mmmm, brownies. XD
I've heard that the definition of "stupidity" is to do the same thing repeatedly while expecting differing results. Well, while I have made many "stupid" mistakes in my life, I don't believe that I am a stupid person; I'm just continuing to "try", whatever that means.

---

---

"Everyone has their own Hell and everyone has their own ways of coping with it."
I told a friend this long ago. <3
Understanding that one may become "more" of a person through endurance is possible. However, without agony, one may be a "better" person. For example, many friends of mine certainly don't "enjoy" their former suffering upon reflection but understand that what they have been through doesn't apply itself to their current lives much-if at all-so they became somewhat happy with little sadness. Other friends of mine distracted themselves while speaking of their problems very little as though others would think poorly of them if they "opened up". Many people that I've met and one friend in particular-the one who I said the quote above to-were kind occasionally while also showing incredible icy tempers that were filled with jealousy and hatred. One of the people that I've known who has not become a "better" person through suffering is one that I regret inevitably having known daily...simply because that person has pressed on too much in the "wrong" direction, which she believed to be "right". Another person with the same way of living but a different level of ambition-my friend mentioned above-eventually abandoned most of whom she knew, no matter how closely they cherished her, and secretly "disowns" her own mother who cares for her. Personally, I could never do this to others, but "everyone has their own Hell and everyone has their own ways of coping with it,"

There are some people that I rarely speak to and others that I haven't spoken to in years. At this time, there is one person in particular that I debate speaking to any longer daily due to the fact that much of my family's strain originates from the allowance of her decisions. Still, there is a tattered thread that clings on to the mask of her "love" and horrible, temporarily "blocked" actions from the past. Today, my brother is continuing to face partial negligence while my sister and I are finally free. I believe that I should be facing her now in place of him, but this was not my decision.
I'm just happy that I can still see him...literally because I can see and he's alive.

I'm worried because I still don't have health insurance, but at least meditation isn't causing seizures at this time. The problems that I'm facing because of CSF blockage isn't hindering me as much as previous times which may be why meditation has been helping instead of hurting right now-I hope this lasts.

I'm so happy to be able to see my brother! He'll be happy to see us! I'll love to see our pets "freak out" in opposite ways when he arrives! <3