Circles, circles, circles...whether I've gone halfway or around again and again...there isn't a tangible answer.
No matter where I look, any glance into information that may help lead me to scarce comfort is futile as my screams are only to air.
Unsuccessful meditation melts into tears. With shunt malfunctioning, then what-seizures in front of my family?...
I'm scared.
There is no escape from the agony that haunts my plagued mind.
Obsession and depression are mental decay.
This lack of motivation is thriving because of the suffering of my family. It's my fault that they were torn apart; I didn't start that, but I didn't stop it, either.
It's my fault that I've suffered through these past years and shall continue to do so for an unknown number of years to come.
Emotional instability, depression, lack of awareness, seizures...everything...I tried to stop everything.
I've tried not to feel...then, couldn't feel.
The seizures; I tried to stop...but never could...no matter how much I wanted to.
They don't affect me as often as before, but...seem to be worse now, when they overwhelm me.
This shunt just keeps shifting, burning whatever it touches and feeling crushed. I've wanted to remove it from my body with pliers. I've wanted to open my head to pour water into my skull or pump air into my brain to stop it from feeling crushed and singed. Various places in my head are relentlessly sharp yet scalding with pressure that is either slightly tolerable or absolutely intense. This ringing in my ears....won't...shut....up. These eyes keep tensing up as though trying to focus them consistently isn't painful enough.
No matter what happened, I always tried to stop.
I'm tired of being afraid. Fear seemed to abandon me along with hope that I would escape the trauma of suffocation and paralysis in 2011, so....why am I scared now?
Family issues...physical problems...they're my fault.
It's my fault that the pain wouldn't stop. Although I spoke, I just...didn't speak enough about these problems, I guess.
Retaking steps is an impossibility that would be Heaven on Earth. On an emotional and physical level, I have destroyed my family as much as I've destroyed myself.
My father is already dealing with a tattered living and a "broken heart". He doesn't need to be dealing with me even more than now. Because words fell deep into the crevices of my brain instead of flowing from my mouth, my father is working himself into poor health while he is required to lose all that he earns. He strives so much every day...just to provide for everyone so that we may survive. What do I do; fret about regrets and concerns that are far from any minds around me?...Sometimes, I'll wake up wondering if my father's heart is still beating. His health is poor because I didn't speak.
There is no way to know who all of us could be if we lived together in a more stable home. Therefore, I've "killed" who we could have been. I "should" be dead, but she just....got "wise" so that she can flourish like a parasite for years to come. Unfortunately, at this moment, I am living with a similar status.
It's no surprise that my father is so stressed. There are times that he lashes out at me, which hurts, but....he deserves to hurt me. I don't have the right to feel....this way....at all.
I can't stand when I'll lash out at my family unintentionally because I don't know what I'm doing or where I am. Shunt malfunctions seem to be somewhat subtle until symptoms stike suddenly. By then, I'm too late...and I have to deal with whatever happens.
Stress is terrifying. What might i be like in the future, especially after trauma like excessive CSF drainage that still causes problems today?
I'd love to "wake up" in a seizure for only a moment, then just....not feel that pain anymore. Seizures...they hurt even more than they used to.
If I was to go through what happened in 2011...I would feel the same as before; I wouldn't mind death if it stopped the aching.
Either I needed immediate help, or I just needed to die. That hurt too much. How might something like that hurt now; more, or the same? This shunt keeps shifting closer and closer to my ear...just to get stuck somehow.
There isn't a way to stop this...."ignore" this...."get through" this.
This thing is a part of me, and "I'm" out of control.
There is no way out.
No matter where I look, any glance into information that may help lead me to scarce comfort is futile as my screams are only to air.
Unsuccessful meditation melts into tears. With shunt malfunctioning, then what-seizures in front of my family?...
I'm scared.
There is no escape from the agony that haunts my plagued mind.
Obsession and depression are mental decay.
This lack of motivation is thriving because of the suffering of my family. It's my fault that they were torn apart; I didn't start that, but I didn't stop it, either.
It's my fault that I've suffered through these past years and shall continue to do so for an unknown number of years to come.
Emotional instability, depression, lack of awareness, seizures...everything...I tried to stop everything.
I've tried not to feel...then, couldn't feel.
The seizures; I tried to stop...but never could...no matter how much I wanted to.
They don't affect me as often as before, but...seem to be worse now, when they overwhelm me.
This shunt just keeps shifting, burning whatever it touches and feeling crushed. I've wanted to remove it from my body with pliers. I've wanted to open my head to pour water into my skull or pump air into my brain to stop it from feeling crushed and singed. Various places in my head are relentlessly sharp yet scalding with pressure that is either slightly tolerable or absolutely intense. This ringing in my ears....won't...shut....up. These eyes keep tensing up as though trying to focus them consistently isn't painful enough.
No matter what happened, I always tried to stop.
I'm tired of being afraid. Fear seemed to abandon me along with hope that I would escape the trauma of suffocation and paralysis in 2011, so....why am I scared now?
Family issues...physical problems...they're my fault.
It's my fault that the pain wouldn't stop. Although I spoke, I just...didn't speak enough about these problems, I guess.
Retaking steps is an impossibility that would be Heaven on Earth. On an emotional and physical level, I have destroyed my family as much as I've destroyed myself.
My father is already dealing with a tattered living and a "broken heart". He doesn't need to be dealing with me even more than now. Because words fell deep into the crevices of my brain instead of flowing from my mouth, my father is working himself into poor health while he is required to lose all that he earns. He strives so much every day...just to provide for everyone so that we may survive. What do I do; fret about regrets and concerns that are far from any minds around me?...Sometimes, I'll wake up wondering if my father's heart is still beating. His health is poor because I didn't speak.
There is no way to know who all of us could be if we lived together in a more stable home. Therefore, I've "killed" who we could have been. I "should" be dead, but she just....got "wise" so that she can flourish like a parasite for years to come. Unfortunately, at this moment, I am living with a similar status.
It's no surprise that my father is so stressed. There are times that he lashes out at me, which hurts, but....he deserves to hurt me. I don't have the right to feel....this way....at all.
I can't stand when I'll lash out at my family unintentionally because I don't know what I'm doing or where I am. Shunt malfunctions seem to be somewhat subtle until symptoms stike suddenly. By then, I'm too late...and I have to deal with whatever happens.
Stress is terrifying. What might i be like in the future, especially after trauma like excessive CSF drainage that still causes problems today?
I'd love to "wake up" in a seizure for only a moment, then just....not feel that pain anymore. Seizures...they hurt even more than they used to.
If I was to go through what happened in 2011...I would feel the same as before; I wouldn't mind death if it stopped the aching.
Either I needed immediate help, or I just needed to die. That hurt too much. How might something like that hurt now; more, or the same? This shunt keeps shifting closer and closer to my ear...just to get stuck somehow.
There isn't a way to stop this...."ignore" this...."get through" this.
This thing is a part of me, and "I'm" out of control.
There is no way out.