Meditation

[Dani]

I believe I'm in a better place than I used to be, and I use meditation almost daily. Though not quite daily. I try to do it when I can. But I never get deep. My meditations sometimes get me feeling a bit numb, which is comfortable feeling. I like to feel comfortable during meditation. Other times I get restless. It's not done a whole lot in terms of making me live a satisfying life. Satisfaction would come from living in a fantasy world. My dream world does not exist. But living in 4D or higher would be quite satisfying to me.

@Gemini Wolf: For most people, their "fantasy world" truly is a fantasy, so they must find ways to be content in this world. You are not alone.
I can perfectly understand the feelings that you're explaining; I used to feel the same ways every night before sleep as a teenager when I'd try meditation only to have seizures and be exhausted for days on end. Seizures during "sleep" means no sleep.
I've had a Ventriculo-Peritoneal (VP) Shunt since infancy, which has caused problems, which I've dealt with throughout my entire life. It has still been causing many various problems since 2011, when I had many seizures that almost seemed like one. I've noticed that these problems can take a long time to develop; the last severe time taking around 8 months to reach its worst point and causing a seizure that came very slowly after overwhelming and burning shocking in my head on June 6 of 2013 (surprisingly after I drove from Illinois to Florida with my sister helping me to avoid accidents from temporary blindness and unawareness of my location or movements). Voluntarily isolated from my family, I feared the thoughts of anyone noticing me or suffocation equally.
From searching online about seizures and VP shunt malfunctioning until my searching is taking me in literally virtual circles, I've learned that most of the problems that can arise from situations such as those have happened to me. All of these problems have been fluctuating but also incredibly consistent. Although a doctor has not told me this, I can tell that I am "too tall" for the shunt that I have and that its movement has caused some sort of damage. Something that I find to be strange is that I hadn't grown at all from the age of 12 to the age of 18, then grew 2 1/2 inches from early 2011 to now.
It's nice to be able to hear, see, breathe, feel, speak and think properly without "waking up" somewhere without knowing how I got there or having conversations with "no" end or beginning and uncontrolled words and emotion. I also am happy to get to sleep more easily-almost too easily, especially after living as an insomniac-and to not suffer through seizures every time that I'm slightly less than conscious. However, I'm terrified that my family's life and how I'm living will become worse-maybe even worse than what happened during the numerous seizures in early 2011-because these problems aren't going away and so much has already happened to me physically.
Nearly our entire lives are spent around each other...my father, my sister, my brother, when he visits...and I don't want them to know about this. I don't know how I would possibly live through any more "cloudy-minded days" from a shunt malfunction due to poor positioning of this thing in my body. It is both a blessing and a curse.
My family has already endured so much, partly because of traumatic issues that I failed to resolve after forgetting frightening events. Because I didn't speak to anyone about family issues years ago, my family was torn apart and I am always carrying some paranoia and negative emotion that affects me differently from day to week, depending on how my shunt is "working". Now, my sister and I have been spending an incredible amount of time around our father because he has heart issues and insomnia (we've been trying to help him relax and sleep, as well as checking his blood pressure very often).
I can't have them know about this...I just can't.