03-28-2010, 10:04 AM
Thank you all for the honest replies. Yes, I realize that I have the habit of seeing myself as the victim. I think it is an attempt to hide all the hate I have for various aspects of myself…blaming them on someone else. I have got to realize that until I can square with myself I’m not going to be able to fix any other relationship. In the end I am the only one who can make or break myself, no one else. How I respond is always up to me.
For some reason I have always had the notion in my head that I need to be perfect. Everyone else is excused, but for some reason I’m not allowed to make mistakes. Where does that come from? I wonder if it is just another factor in my attention-seeking problem. Did I perhaps create a poor self image in hopes of garnering pity? A façade that eventually developed into a full-blown, very real self hatred?
I just don’t understand WHY I want attention so much. I don’t WANT to want it, but I find myself engaging in the same self-destructive behaviors over and over again, all somehow related to getting some kind of attention. I am not much of a people person. The majority of the time I am content with solitude and would generally prefer to be left alone. Then I have this totally conflicting behavior that brings in the kind of attention that makes me generally want to be alone in the first place. Sure, my childhood had some bumps in it, but everyone’s does. I do not think the roots end there. There is something buried so deep in there, and I just can’t quite put my finger on it. But I cannot keep denying the effects of these behaviors. I realize I am hurting myself and all there is to do is break the cycle once and for all. Still, knowing the cause would probably help a lot with dealing with the effect.
I have been denying this problem for years on end, assuring everyone, including myself, that I have no need for such antics. I’ve fabricated so many justifications for my actions, but now it’s at the point where I have nothing to do but look at the truth and realize that that’s all there is. I don’t like what I see, but seeing the real thing is better than wallowing in all the fake emotions created to mask the truth. At least operating from this perspective I have a foundation I can start building on, and I want to build a positive, peaceful house on this foundation, not one of those haunted hotels.
Again, thanks all for helping me dig through these self revelations.
For some reason I have always had the notion in my head that I need to be perfect. Everyone else is excused, but for some reason I’m not allowed to make mistakes. Where does that come from? I wonder if it is just another factor in my attention-seeking problem. Did I perhaps create a poor self image in hopes of garnering pity? A façade that eventually developed into a full-blown, very real self hatred?
I just don’t understand WHY I want attention so much. I don’t WANT to want it, but I find myself engaging in the same self-destructive behaviors over and over again, all somehow related to getting some kind of attention. I am not much of a people person. The majority of the time I am content with solitude and would generally prefer to be left alone. Then I have this totally conflicting behavior that brings in the kind of attention that makes me generally want to be alone in the first place. Sure, my childhood had some bumps in it, but everyone’s does. I do not think the roots end there. There is something buried so deep in there, and I just can’t quite put my finger on it. But I cannot keep denying the effects of these behaviors. I realize I am hurting myself and all there is to do is break the cycle once and for all. Still, knowing the cause would probably help a lot with dealing with the effect.
I have been denying this problem for years on end, assuring everyone, including myself, that I have no need for such antics. I’ve fabricated so many justifications for my actions, but now it’s at the point where I have nothing to do but look at the truth and realize that that’s all there is. I don’t like what I see, but seeing the real thing is better than wallowing in all the fake emotions created to mask the truth. At least operating from this perspective I have a foundation I can start building on, and I want to build a positive, peaceful house on this foundation, not one of those haunted hotels.
Again, thanks all for helping me dig through these self revelations.