02-26-2010, 04:06 PM
I realize that your post was directed towards the P man, Ayadew, but I thought I might share something that helped ground me a few days ago.
I was feeling like I had lost touch with myself, in that the feelings and reactions to the life experience I was having at that time were somehow not coming from the right place or not of their usual quality. It seemed to me to be the absence of the usual love and feeling.
I tried meditation, but that didn't work. (meaning it did not bring peace) I didn't understand why I was suffering when there really was nothing to suffer for. I reconnected with myself by entering a state of vivid remembrance of my life experience from the present moment as far back as I could remember, linearly. In essence, I lived my life backwards as far as I could remember, reviewing the experience, the people I've met, the places I've been, the things I've said and done, the things that others have said and done to me and with me. I realized that love had been present all along, and with this coming into awareness of it, I simply doubted that it was there just because I could see it now. I was suddenly critical of my condition because of the sustained heightened awareness of it over the past 6 months.
I'm not sure if you are suffering from disconnection of loving self essence as I was, or if you are truly discovering some other part of yourself, and giving it too much attention. Maybe your eyes are being drawn to the only cloud in the sky.
There is also, of course, what you said to me not too long ago when I asked for help. Sometimes, the self tests the self to see if you have really learned at this stage. Maybe you are just seeing whether or not that, after your recent experience, you have realized that without effort, love can come from you at all times.
I was feeling like I had lost touch with myself, in that the feelings and reactions to the life experience I was having at that time were somehow not coming from the right place or not of their usual quality. It seemed to me to be the absence of the usual love and feeling.
I tried meditation, but that didn't work. (meaning it did not bring peace) I didn't understand why I was suffering when there really was nothing to suffer for. I reconnected with myself by entering a state of vivid remembrance of my life experience from the present moment as far back as I could remember, linearly. In essence, I lived my life backwards as far as I could remember, reviewing the experience, the people I've met, the places I've been, the things I've said and done, the things that others have said and done to me and with me. I realized that love had been present all along, and with this coming into awareness of it, I simply doubted that it was there just because I could see it now. I was suddenly critical of my condition because of the sustained heightened awareness of it over the past 6 months.
I'm not sure if you are suffering from disconnection of loving self essence as I was, or if you are truly discovering some other part of yourself, and giving it too much attention. Maybe your eyes are being drawn to the only cloud in the sky.
There is also, of course, what you said to me not too long ago when I asked for help. Sometimes, the self tests the self to see if you have really learned at this stage. Maybe you are just seeing whether or not that, after your recent experience, you have realized that without effort, love can come from you at all times.