02-16-2013, 12:43 AM
I can relate to what your saying.
I am just now beginning to come to terms with and face myself, to realize that for a large portion of my life, I have carried hate and anger deep within me. I have realized that much of this stems from feeling of having been wronged/betrayed by people around me. I feel that throughout my time spent on this planet, along the way, people have hurt me and in some cases I have had, and still have a very hard time letting go.
Each instance I feel that I have been deeply hurt, I have stored within me more hate. I have a had a hard time coming to terms with this because I feel that at the core I am an incredibly compassionate, wise, and accepting being so I have often chosen to 'look the other way' when the hate within me manifests. Ever since I have been able to perceive myself as an infinite being, I have striven to become balanced. I have had ideas of becoming someone who is able to continuously remain in a state of mindfulness, a person that does not experience anger, is unconditionally accepting and who sees the Self in All. I have had trouble dealing with the fact that, I have not become this being and I seem unable to maintain this state of, what I perceive, as balance. This often has led me to feel angry towards myself...wondering how, deep down, I can feel so capable of achieving this state of balance , yet failing to manifest such a state on a consistent basis and often experiencing, what I perceive as, the complete polar opposite: anger and hate towards others and myself "why can't I be this way?" "why can't they just be this way" "-this person- is so ignorant, they don't realize they're doing this" "-this person- doesn't see what I see, how can they be so blind?" "I just want this experience to be over"
Its quite a paradox to me, as I have access to all the information I need. I know what I need to do, yet CHOOSE not to do it, at times. I realize on some level that It is I who am wronging myself and not others, regardless of what seems to be. I choose to allow negative thoughts to flow through me. I am the only one responsible for any and all of my suffering...I know this, then I don't. I take responsibility, then I blame...I go back and forth like a see-saw. Its almost as if, when I judge others for their 'wrong doings', it gives me a feeling of control but its false...I feel somewhere inside me that to take complete responsibility for my life is to become weak (as silly as it may sound, its something I struggle with letting go on a deep level).
I am working on letting go, and holding myself accountable for the suffering I choose to experience, regardless how I feel emotionally in the moment. It is difficult, but what can I do? I must continue on, I must progress.
I am just now beginning to come to terms with and face myself, to realize that for a large portion of my life, I have carried hate and anger deep within me. I have realized that much of this stems from feeling of having been wronged/betrayed by people around me. I feel that throughout my time spent on this planet, along the way, people have hurt me and in some cases I have had, and still have a very hard time letting go.
Each instance I feel that I have been deeply hurt, I have stored within me more hate. I have a had a hard time coming to terms with this because I feel that at the core I am an incredibly compassionate, wise, and accepting being so I have often chosen to 'look the other way' when the hate within me manifests. Ever since I have been able to perceive myself as an infinite being, I have striven to become balanced. I have had ideas of becoming someone who is able to continuously remain in a state of mindfulness, a person that does not experience anger, is unconditionally accepting and who sees the Self in All. I have had trouble dealing with the fact that, I have not become this being and I seem unable to maintain this state of, what I perceive, as balance. This often has led me to feel angry towards myself...wondering how, deep down, I can feel so capable of achieving this state of balance , yet failing to manifest such a state on a consistent basis and often experiencing, what I perceive as, the complete polar opposite: anger and hate towards others and myself "why can't I be this way?" "why can't they just be this way" "-this person- is so ignorant, they don't realize they're doing this" "-this person- doesn't see what I see, how can they be so blind?" "I just want this experience to be over"
Its quite a paradox to me, as I have access to all the information I need. I know what I need to do, yet CHOOSE not to do it, at times. I realize on some level that It is I who am wronging myself and not others, regardless of what seems to be. I choose to allow negative thoughts to flow through me. I am the only one responsible for any and all of my suffering...I know this, then I don't. I take responsibility, then I blame...I go back and forth like a see-saw. Its almost as if, when I judge others for their 'wrong doings', it gives me a feeling of control but its false...I feel somewhere inside me that to take complete responsibility for my life is to become weak (as silly as it may sound, its something I struggle with letting go on a deep level).
I am working on letting go, and holding myself accountable for the suffering I choose to experience, regardless how I feel emotionally in the moment. It is difficult, but what can I do? I must continue on, I must progress.
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