What is it with me?

[Infinite Unity]

Okay Jade, well, not to be pretentious or shocking, but I'd say I love my son more than anything else in the world.  In my ideal scenario, I'd at least be around because I love him, but I dealt myself a different kind of hand.  Still, I shall persist, the few times I got to hold my son felt like my heart was going to burst, like Grinch status, grew a few sizes too big.  Getting to sleep with him on my chest one night was all I needed to know I wanted to do just about anything to make his life better.  I initially found self love through that great big love of my son, through the very realizations you have offered.

And while I may not hold the same level of intensity, I do love everyone here too.  You're all sort of like my impromptu distant family.  Like you Jade, have some love, thank you for your patience and attention and effort.

It's not unnoticed~

Just realize that initial source of discovering unconditional love was also the source that brought me to feel great frustration even after coming to terms with the loss of my son from my life, I find I must come to those terms over and over, and sometimes I'm just unable to handle doing that, because a part of me feels like things didn't need to end up the ways they did, but that's life I suppose our culture would say in response.

I like to think I have some level of self love, intimacy, and respect.  I also like to think I also have some level of self degradation, self abuse, and self destruction.  Seems to be the baggage that comes with wanting to write about the only thing that holds people's attention, darkness.

Our cosmic fascination with the darkness is an interesting topic for me.  When I'm not trying to reconcile it with the unconditional love that spawned it.  Of course it's all unconditional love behind the scenes, and it's all just smoke and mirrors and rays of light.  Just seems harder to view that with darkness right in fine focus.

---

It is so weird seeing' Gemini's account closed...  It's surreal.  Like what happens now?  Who makes the cute remarks and breaks the ice?  Makes us remember we're all bozos doing the best we can with what we have?  Or posts cute animal videos or provides highly unique insights?  Talk about one of a kind.  So weird...Being gone.

It's like, I'm proud though, because maybe he left to focus on his book, on his life, and maybe he felt self conscious about his indicated activity level.  It's weird how he's 6 likes away from 1111 likes given.

So weird...

It renews my motivation to pick up my zombie book (once I get back my little laptop), and continue it.  I put it down because it makes me have to confront the dark things possible of people, and to actually put characters through that is actually somewhat traumatic for myself as I don't particularly enjoy it but without those catalyst, the books wouldn't be interesting.  As well as the issue that is my desire to go on an exploration with a book, and not just pump out a generic story, but one that takes you for spins, twists, leaps, and falls.  If I can't get tears out of a reader, I didn't do good enough.  If I can't make them laugh, or hate me for murdering their favorite character, then what's the point of writing?

It makes me wonder if the creator is TRYING to provoke itself, and it's not about JUST experiencing the self, but about understanding the self.

I feel somewhat blessed, to have the opportunity to feel the madnesses that I do for that creator, even if it puts me through hell, I can at least say I believe in a reason why, a reason to persist, a reason that is Love, a love for myself, my godly self, my other self.  It's confusing why the suffering must persist, but it is as it is by a being vastly more knowledgeable than even our higher density mentors.

I think I could even brave the zombie apocalypse (in fictional experience) to find new gems of wisdom.  My writing in particular has always been a passive form of channeling higher concepts into creative scenarios.  I remember when I came up with 'The Obliteration', big multiverse encompassing void of white.  I had already imagined Intelligent Infinity in physical format, I had concepts of polarity, the struggle to produce love in a world filled with darkness.  The struggle to just be.  So, I hope Gemini has great success in his fictional journeys, and I hope I have a similar success.

I mean, who doesn't like the

anyway?  I'd read a zombie novel.

I rather enjoy your writing. Its damn good writing. You truly impressed me in that series with mundus. +) Have a beautiful wonderful day. I also do not mean to portray my opinion as the 'penultimate', and see a seemingly arrogance that "says I know this", but I know that I know nothing, and only wish to extend an hand to you. Sometimes we just need someone to help us get some traction, and before you know your just chugging down the beautiful road again. Keep your head up.

[Jade]

And I'm just left TRYING to say I collapsed those plans because I was selfish and greedy and childish and spoiled, but that they happened for an important reason, when the only reason I can see is I screwed it up myself, and I am to blame, and I was the one who failed, and hurt everyone, and messed up.  You could imagine that, couldn't you Jade?  You've seen how I can pop off, how I lose it to myself, how I can be so seemingly determined, but have no motivation, and the frustration that follows.

Of course I can see that. Can't you see how it's ego based to say that YOU "messed up", or, that YOU "failed", when Ra says that there are no mistakes? You understand that things are as they should be, yet you still give yourself negative blame for how you got there. But the fact is, this is where you are today, so this is the catalyst you have chosen to deal with, this is the catalyst that will balance you, if you work with it. Being estranged from one's child seems like a serious preincarnative decision.

Did you know I lack a Midheaven placement in my Astrology Chart?

What? This is not possible. The midheaven is merely a degree in the 360 degree circle that is the horoscope. Everyone has a midheaven. Unless you don't know what time you were born, but otherwise, the cusp of your 10th house is the midheaven. If you don't know what time you are born, that doesn't mean you don't have a midheaven, you just don't know where it is.

Like, RIGHT NOW, this particular moment, my needle is swung towards writing, and it's highly motivated and focused, but I know I'm just 'in the zone' so to speak, and eventually the needle will swing, and maybe I'll go back to learning programming, then it'll swing, and I'll lose interest in programming to begin illustrating and making digital art.  Then it swings and I'm interested in gardening.  Then it swings and I want to know the truth and the creator.  Then it swings and all I can focus on is finding a girlfriend, then it swings and I'm back to catching up on Dragon Ball, then it swings and I'm back to playing video games, then it swings and I'm back to writing my zombie novel.

The "needle swing" you are talking about is the will. The will takes effort to develop. Otherwise, we are beholden to our unconscious whims, which will carry us through the day without any thought unless we do something about it.

I...Believe that I NEED someone else to provide that structure, I'm the paint, but without a paint can I'm just a mess.  Get it?

Yes, you need to reclaim your masculine self - The Magician - the will. The conscious mind is he who can provide the structure, but it takes work and effort to reprogram the computer.

 Why Jade, you yourself manifest these energies in your exaggerations at times.  Aion manifests these energies at times, as does the more sensitive members of B4 such as Mahakali, Cainite, even Gemini at times seemed to mirror a subconscious facet of B4.

Yes, this is why we are here - to energize each other's unconscious distortions. Can we talk about the direct, painful catalyst you have equally given me? Do you not think that the amount of time I spend writing posts to help you, just to have you lash out at me, can be wearying? Do you not see that this is where my frustration in dealing with you comes from? You ask for help, and then you spin a thousand yarns about why it's impossible for you to do anything to change your circumstances. So all that I know how to do right now, is to try to continue to convince you that you have some control over the way your physical reality manifests, and you know how to exercise that control - but if someone gives you a blank post to fill, you waste your time conjuring every excuse in the book. I'm sorry to be harsh, but you seem to be stuck in a loop about this.

I'm just scared, Jade.  I have faith but do I have the courage?

Does it take courage to leap off the cliff like the Fool, or is it foolishness?

You are asking me to love the most darkest thing I know of.  You provide great reasons to.  But I'm mentally ill.  I lose control and no amount of conscious effort will change that, the best I can do is work with it, I can't control it.

Here's a small example: How about instead of telling yourself you are mentally ill, try to tell yourself that you are mentally capable? I don't think you're even in the top 50% of mental illness amongst people who post here. Autism isn't a mental illness. You are very smart and capable, you just tell yourself the opposite far too often.

Can you love the worst parts of myself?  I struggle to and I'm me, for real.

I love you. I have read some amazing confessions from you about things you have done, and I still have yet to see what is so unlovable. You think you have committed a horrible series of crimes when really, you've just been living life to the best of your ability. It's just a matter of taking the life you have today, and continuing to move forward to the best of your ability.

And I want to talk further, and spill out my heart and tell you I'm all these bad things in some kind of way that'll touch your heart and make you realize I'm just holding myself back because I have chosen to out of fear, but nothing I will ever say will ever reach you the ways I try to reach you.

That's because you continue to try to reach us through words. I hear you through what you are "saying". You don't have to try so hard to communicate. The more you open the green ray (love yourself), the more the blue ray becomes unblocked, and you will feel more understanding and more understood.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

No Midheaven placement.

I haven't the energy to comment elsewhere though.  I'm pretty depressed at how things go, and my confusion in my participations here on this forum only drives that depression.

I'm tired of hearing people say they don't judge me.  Everyone judges.  I just want people to be real with me, but all I feel like I ever see are...  Things, that aren't them.

Thanks for the kind words and help though.

[Minyatur]

If you study it a bit and figure which symbol is mid-heaven you'd see either in the chart to the right or the drawing that it is 1st-quadrant of Sagittarius, with a Capricorn influence. In the drawing the Sagittarius sign is in pink at the top and the mid-heaven symbol is the MH that's black with a line. It points at the area completely above you at the moment/location of birth.

If you wanna share your aspects list, I'd like to see how many squares you got in that mess. I've got none in my chart and what I got most are 7 trines which are a natural and harmonious position which reflects talents.

I love the system solar state at the moment of my birth, makes so many oppositions and conjunctions. Look at the big line of planets, anything on the same side of the earth in a line makes a conjunction and everything that opposes one another on each side of the earth makes an opposition.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I understand there is a placement in Sagittarius, it was the lack of an aspect within its influence that leads me to say there's no midheaven placement in such a way as to provide direction.

But I'm also not an astrology pro so I may be wrong in my understandings.

[Minyatur]

I understand there is a placement in Sagittarius, it was the lack of an aspect within its influence that leads me to say there's no midheaven placement in such a way as to provide direction.

But I'm also not an astrology pro so I may be wrong in my understandings.

The Midheaven (MC or Medium Coeli, literally 'middle of the sky') is one of the most important angles in the birth chart. It traditionally indicates career, status, aim in life, aspirations, public reputation, and our life goal. I'd say beyond astrology, as the Creator experiencing the Creator, there's a reason the website has not given you what you want so maybe you need to explore the Sagittarius-Capricorn energies to empower your mid-heaven area.

I asked for your squares but they're already in the pic, just 2! I've seen worse, and with 6 trines at that, seems like what I thought was a mess had a balance to it. Had identified to squares quickly but never really looked what is the angle they need and seems like it's literal squares.

Anyway :

Saturn Square Pluto

With this aspect, it is likely that you will feel quite restricted by social and environmental constraints, and that the influence of the society in which you live will have considerable impact upon your life, often appearing to be a negative one. Frustration appears to be inevitable; and you may feel that you are having to carry 'a burden for society', where you are involved in some way with a personal responsibility for some of society's troubles. There is a form of linking between your personal unfoldment and growth and the struggles of mass humanity, one which you may experience or interpret in a peculiarly masochistic manner, or use as an excuse for personal failings. Some of this tendency could arise from earlier life and parental relationships and conditioning, possibly from environmental deprivation of lack of fulfilling and meaningful contact with your parents and family. This can lead to a pattern of personal disappointments and lack of essential trust in life and the world, leaving you emotionally marked and feeling insecure in your own abilities and talents. You tend to be searching for status, power and the opportunity to influence people's lives, much in the same way that you feel your own life has been affected by nameless unknown others who make socially influential decisions. To transform this oppressive pattern of limitation, you will need to radically alter your outlook on life and your self. The Pluto energy will help you to achieve this; and the first step is to draw back all the projections that you are overlaying on the world, and to recognize those that place the reason for failure 'out there'. You need to accept responsibility for your own life, decisions and choices, and begin to take control instead of being a frustrated, passive reactor.

Almost see everything Jade has been telling you in the underlined part. I like to think often a generated text made based on factors of your birth has a deeper convincing than someone because you can't attribute a human judgment to "the astral nexus of your birth contains these essences of the Universe".  

And latest, your 2nd square :

Moon Square Jupiter

The square indicates possible difficulty in uniting your sensitive feelings and emotions with your impulse to expand and manifest potential; the two sets of inner messages either conflict or fail to combine, reducing purpose and motivation. For example, you may possess creative ability, yet fail to demonstrate this tangibly due to not making sufficient effort to develop latent talents. You tend to resist hard work, and can display a lazy, apathetic attitude at times, especially if you have little interest in the work to be done. You may believe that life should be easy, with few worries, allowing you to be self-indulgent. This attitude may have grown from your parents who served and overindulged you, or made you feel special and perhaps encouraged a belief that the world would take care of you. You react to the world through powerful emotions which condition perceptions and evaluations of experiences. As you prefer to follow instincts and emotional messages, you may be reluctant to listen to your intellect. Adopting such an approach may not always work to your advantage; and, over time, you may realize that relying on emotional responses alone may prejudice actions, choices, and decisions, often leading you in unsuitable directions that might have been avoided if you had taken a more rational approach. As emotions can wax and wane, consistency may be lacking in your attitudes and relationships. Limitations may be self-created if you listen only to your feelings. While they can provide a good guide at times, their reactions are not always suited to every choice; and more time spent in careful thought and consideration could be useful for your future. A tendency to make impulsive and emotional decisions needs to be superseded by deliberate planning; rushing to satisfy immediate desires may later be regretted. You may require more realistic attitudes, both with people and in dealing with the world. Sometimes you can project overly optimistic emotions into relationships, feeling that this is 'the greatest love of all time'. Or genuine generosity may leave you financially bankrupt, perhaps through extravagance, lending to the wrong people, or just a lack of financial acumen. Be extremely careful not to overestimate business prospects. You may benefit from receiving expert financial advice, although even then discrimination is needed to avoid choosing the wrong type of advisor. Intimate and social relationships may be erratic at times, as you can fluctuate between extroverted moods and introspection, depending on the relative strengths of either Jupiter or Moon. With an independent spirit, you may often feel you do not need much social contact, and so friendships may become characterized by infrequent contact, indifference, and fickleness at times. You will do your own thing, either with complete enthusiasm and temporary commitment, or by slipping into apathetic disinterest. These fluctuating tendencies can be changed if you choose to do so. The approach needed is one of self-determination and concentrated application, once you decide on a suitable direction that offers potential for greater meaning and purpose. In your early life, you may not have been particularly ambitious, preferring freedom, acting with little responsibility, and moving in and out of situations and relationships as it pleased you, directed by your inner emotional pendulum. This could have been a phase of wandering and exploration, lacking any distinct aim. This phase may continue with varying emphasis until you face the need for responsibility in life, perhaps encountered through settling into marriage, financial commitments, and the raising of a family. Having to 'shape up' may shock you into several realizations. You may make greater efforts to make life stimulating, preventing it from becoming staid and restrictive, and realize that planning and organization can make routines flow more smoothly, with less conflict and fewer painful experiences. Social awareness may deepen, as you become less self-preoccupied; any tendencies toward extravagant fantasies are modified as you recognize the limitations of real life. When reality intrudes, illusions should dissipate; if they persist, then reality is being ignored and evasiveness will exact its own price later. As maturity depends, you may move in new social directions, reflecting your growing awareness and sensitivity, and releasing previously latent talents. Social concern and activity may replace your earlier desire for emotional freedom; and you may work to benefit those who are socially deprived. If you come to this direction through religious or political paths, you may need awareness of any imbalanced attitudes which may persist. Your emotional power could be transferred into zealous proselytizing; you may perhaps become obsessive about your newly chosen path and lose sight of realism and perspective due to overenthusiasm. Learn how to moderate any such tendency, and allow others the free

Anyway these two things should reflect your struggles in life, hope that works as direction.

[Jade]

Well, it depends on how wide the aspects are set, I'm sure we could stretch them out and find a midheaven placement. There are also aspects that are used that the default charting doesn't integrate, like quintiles, and even septiles. If you want to PM me your birth info, I can see if we can find something.

But its nature, the midheaven is square the ascendent and the descendent, which can also give you more information.

Also, as your midheaven is in Sagittarius, and Jupiter rules Sag, you can look to aspects/placement of Jupiter for more midheaven info as well.

[GentleReckoning]

I'm tired of hearing people say they don't judge me.  Everyone judges.  I just want people to be real with me, but all I feel like I ever see are...  Things, that aren't them.

Thanks for the kind words and help though.

Ponder form and essence as one. I took the same path as you, focusing on my soul, and not my form. If you are looking for a girlfriend, then you are venturing into realms of status and (abuse really) manipulation that you otherwise don't need to touch.

In that realm, you are looking for a mirror as anyone can watch you talk, walk, or do anything and say: "Hey, tweak this one thing and you're golden." So an open-minded friend really that is willing to risk your feelings for the truth. Because someone taught you wrong, and deep down you know that if someone could see you honestly and clearly that they would be able to nail what's going on.

[GentleReckoning]

Also, the level of connection you create is by and far more powerful than anything they've encountered. So after 2 days you might expect from people what normies take years to get. I'm used to powerful extremely powerful connection, and when I realized that health, intelligence, connection and generosity don't tickle a woman's naughty bits I went full negative immediately. You have to be willing to mind-control people for it to matter. The best way in this environment is to adopt forms that women desire. (dj, artist, musician, that kind of thing)

I think it'd be really fun to play with hypnosis and other games available, but in this environment where positive energy is so misconstrued I'll do it in the confines of a relationship.

[Aion]

No Midheaven placement.

I haven't the energy to comment elsewhere though.  I'm pretty depressed at how things go, and my confusion in my participations here on this forum only drives that depression.

I'm tired of hearing people say they don't judge me.  Everyone judges.  I just want people to be real with me, but all I feel like I ever see are...  Things, that aren't them.

Thanks for the kind words and help though.

My friend, if you are able to find the connection betwixt your Pluto and your Venus, do you not see the beautiful hexagram that is in your design? Love and Death, these are the ones you need to reconcile together. First, you must be real with yourself, no?

I wish you well.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

If I got anymore real with myself I'd become inside-out, the problem is realizing what parts are legitimately me and what's just conditioning/personality shell.

I'm so sick from the other thread that I literally feel dizzy, that's what I get for being real with myself and showing it uncensored to others.

I have noted many peculiarities in my astrology chart, but I cannot seem to fathom the relationships or what it all means...

You know if you can read charts you should make a thread advertising so, I know MANY people would love a further in-depth description of their charts.

[Aion]

If I got anymore real with myself I'd become inside-out, the problem is realizing what parts are legitimately me and what's just conditioning/personality shell.

I'm so sick from the other thread that I literally feel dizzy, that's what I get for being real with myself and showing it uncensored to others.

I have noted many peculiarities in my astrology chart, but I cannot seem to fathom the relationships or what it all means...

You know if you can read charts you should make a thread advertising so, I know MANY people would love a further in-depth description of their charts.

Aha I'm still an amateur as far as astrology goes, although I do know how to read the symbols on the chart and understand some of the relationships. Perhaps in time as I get more familiar I'll offer something like that. I've always taken note of the particular geometry in each chart I see because it's all about geometric relationships. Yours shows actually a strong attempt to bring balance to many different sides. However, like I said, Love and Death are two areas which I think are challenging for you. I think this is because you see them as opposed, when really they are two sides of the same coin.

Have you ever heard of Le Petit Morte? It means "the little death" and it is a reference to the orgasm. That might be something for you to think on.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

As anyone can tell, I've got a lot of work to do.

I find the offered bit interesting, orgasm being described as death implies transformation.

I don't view opposition in Death itself, but suffering and love.

Death and Love, they make an interesting pair for learning purposes.  Gives you an ever greater appreciation.

All I know is my planets have given me a very strange life.  My stars, they make me mad.  I can barely believe I've held myself together this long somehow.

[Glow]

As anyone can tell, I've got a lot of work to do.

I find the offered bit interesting, orgasm being described as death implies transformation.

I don't view opposition in Death itself, but suffering and love.

Death and Love, they make an interesting pair for learning purposes.  Gives you an ever greater appreciation.

All I know is my planets have given me a very strange life.  My stars, they make me mad.  I can barely believe I've held myself together this long somehow.

I didn't believe in astrology till I had my chart done. There hiding in capricorn was the almost anti-capricorn at my exact time of birth.
There I was like some freakish astrological mathematical recipe, nothing more than light desending into a co-ordinate to be as ordered, not really though.

I now see astrology is not who you are but the life, personality, and predilections you are born into. Just another mask.
Like all the others when we go deeper back to the soul remembrance that mask falls off too.
Though there likely are great aspects to keep and use for this life too, so not all to be done away with. Anyways I think you are doing great.

You talk about being judged but it seems you judge yourself rather harshly so maybe... stop that.
Its easier to grow love and accept love when you aren't always punishing yourself or reminding yourself of your perceived flaws.
Nothing to apologize for or regret, we are all a work in progress back to who we really are. ((((((hug))))

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Well, I know one thing.

When the mask comes off, hopefully I'll be able to make everyone understand why I flipped out yesterday the way I did.  I'm too anxious to even go and look at what people said in return.

I know I was wrong and overreacting but there is still a lot that I perceived being done even if its just a little, I shared one of the HARDEST things there is for me to share and I basically god dismissed as having a sexist outlook and basically being the problem.

That's not how my life experience paints things for me.  I'm the one who's being abused.

I try, SOOOOOO hard...  I try to be so aware of all of these little things, the voice in the back of my head saying that my past shows me women will hurt me and abuse me and manipulate me.  I say maybe, but I KNOW they're souls, that I can't judge everyone for a few bad things some people did to me.  I tell myself I'll be better than that.  I won't judge people for the color of their skin, their culture, their sex, but by my interactions with them.

I admit I owe apologies but some are owed to me too.  If a girl came on here and shared their experiences of being used by men and how that's shaped them, only for a man to come in and say she fetishized parts of him and has a screwed up outlook for having partook in porn of men, would people not feel that that's dismissive and disrespectful??  Would that nonchalant portrayal of her very deep experiences as invalid not be upsetting to a very deep point?

I feel like because I'm a guy, I don't matter as much.  That hurts the way it must feel to be oppressed.  So I am compounded with hurt that I not only am disregarded, but suppressed, then called the suppressor.

I just want to not feel so...Much like garbage for being a man...  I don't want to feel like my feelings, my experiences, can just be thrown away because I have a Y chromosome...

I'm sorry for ranting.  I can't stop thinking about it, about how women must feel oppressed, it's so much more vivid now.  I see why everyone got mad at E_S but, why isn't anyone mad for me?  Does how I'm oppressed not matter??  Why is this happening? What's going on??

I hope people will understand one day that we're all equal and dealing with very almost exactly the same catalysts.  Female is oppressed, male is oppressed.  Everyone hates each other now for it...

This society is lame like this, but I'm still going to try to make amends to everyone, I just wish people could see how men are suffering in this society too.

I try to love, but moments like that make it especially hard.  I intend to PM Jade An Apology, but for now, I need to make sense of why it's okay to dismiss me.  I just don't understand.

[Glow]

CA I’m not on that discussion it’s not for me anymore.
It might still be for you and that’s ok. Sorry you feel hurt by the discussion but it’s a showing of wounds. If we are all feeling our own wounds we can’t always communicate and see others clearly. I hope one day you will be able to heal the past. You might still need to feel it but you won’t forever.

Remember the part in the Lord’s Prayer

Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those that trespass against us.

It’s not just a supposed Christian idea it’s very much a LOO and occult ideal.
At some point we have to forgive those who hurt us and ourselves for those we have hurt. Hurts are just ego anyways so at some point on this journey we let go of them one by one as we heal.

If you aren’t ready, you aren’t ready. Talking about it shows you are circling the issue so at some point you will be there. If anyone judges you for it, it’s clearly an issue they need to heal too so don’t worry. Everyone deals with what they have to when they are ready.

Sometime stepping back away for your ego can let the hurt slip far enough so you can access your souls perspective. The soul always wants to forgive, this is where the magic of meditation is.
If you can’t access it in daily life, meditation can take us right to that soul connection that can shake loose the judgment of self and others.

I sure hope that didn’t hurt you further. I just know you are close.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Right, I'm sorry.

You're absolutely right.

It's where I'm at but there's still many things, especially from the harm of jealousy and humiliation for me to work through.  I'm just glad I don't see everyone in such ways, everyone's a beautiful person, I just don't want us to ignore when we hurt someone even if by accident.

I don't want to hold judgments, but there's a part of me that really really wants to know why certain things are the ways they are.  I can't find that without being honest, and honestly it hurts to be so easily swept aside in these things, like it's a trained response.

I forgive, I'm just embarrassed that I didn't handle it better.  But I do hope this shows people that I'm trying.  I'm not just forcing myself to be a certain way, I'm going with the flow, even if it gets intense.

I believe we here would call this, Catalyst.

You know, underneath the whole issue, I'm very sore with a lot of bruises to my ego, which I seem to wear as a protective shell, it's funny how easy it is to push people away, it's like there's no such thing as attraction.  There's just distance.

Like, Jade is more often than anything a thoughtful and sweet person, she's kind and encouraging and speaks with an earnest straightforward manner.  I see a lot of me in her, and for that one moment, I felt my own prejudice, and got swept up in how painful that was.

I would LOATH the feel of that daily, hourly.  On my mind all day, how people can be dismissed because of something, anything, how easily any of us can see someone's wounds and be unaffected.

But, it happens, and as they say, what's done is done, so now I'll have to move forward.  Just feels scary having to admit you're wrong when someone hurts you inadvertently.

I can forgive, I just hope the same can be said, but we'll see.  There's an interesting pattern here to me, I hope to have a better approach should it ever happen again...

I'll have to put a lot of thought into this to make up for it though, but I hope the other side of the coin becomes noticeable.  That even I can feel how others feel.  That I'm not the only one who should feel guilty, we all need to do better to each other.

You know Glow.
I want to immensely thank you for not judging me so much.  I am genuinely moved to know someone sees through even just a bit the reasons for my reactions.  I don't intend harm, I intend to display my harm, I need to address it.  When others don't judge that, it makes me feel understood.

Like, all I want when I pop off is for someone to just grab my shoulder and arm gently and tell me I'm getting really emotional and that I should take a moment to calm down, that its obvious I'm hurt and that I should take a moment to just sit with it.
To be a rock, and not to roll.

Well, I rolled, so I'll have to do better.

Thank you, your kindness eases me greatly.

[Glow]

Hey CA, I don't think you have anything to apologize for.
That's my belief so I cannot impose it on you but as my husband says, if you are going down the rabbit hole, you gotta go all the way.

I noticed tonight I apologized twice for how my posts might inadvertently be misinterpreted. I think that is habit but it isn't accurate so I should stop typing it. Truth is I would like people to trust my intent is good and know if they are being hurt they are not catching my meaning. Perhaps I can come up with a more accurate comment then sorry because truth is I'm not sorry, for anything. Maybe for a moment at a time but the rabbit hole comes and I see it as foolish this regret, remorse. As a result of not judging myself I hold no judgement towards others. Except for maybe a moment when my ego gets me and I feel like an ass. It passes though.

Ok heres why, ready?

Here is the rabbit hole.

We planned all this s***. All these wounds, these catalyst, this is our plan. Not little "i" we think we are but big "I" we really are.
We asked for this, we decided we would hurt one another and try to become our best selves through it, be hurt and either use it to explore the dark edges of "I" or the light. No one ever has to be sorry ever.

Regret and remorse while learning ARE the catalyst. Holding on to regret or remorse is poor use of catalyst. Again the rabbit hole. Maybe you are supposed to poorly use it so you can explore parts yet unknown. There are no mistakes, just things that appear as mistakes, its all part of the plan and it is going beautifully.

Anyways we could go on and on and on with this rabbit hole but my point is you are choosing to hold on to your regret and shame and choosing to hold on to your hurt. You may be supposed to in accordance with big "I" at this time. Just like others are. Big "I"'s plan and little "i" you is just acting out the process. That's totally the rabbit hole and A OK. You just basically never have to apologize to me again for anything, nor do you have to worry about being judged by me. If others need your apology or judge you well I guess its the rabbit hole again. No harm no foul its exactly where and how they are supposed to be. You can change, they can change, i can change but we will when its time.

Im just showing you the rabbit hole like my husband showed me a few times when I slipped into ego.
Hope it helps not hurts, rabbit hole though. It will all play out as we/I/i(s) intend it to.

Sleep well

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I think sorrow has its places but I see your point.  I say sorry to convey care.

It's confusing when people say to let go of something that you've no idea that you're clinging to.  I don't know how to put down hurt.

But I will try my best.

I honestly just want to be cared about.  And work through my feelings to provide care to others in return.  I need to work on accepting myself.

[Glow]

I think sorrow has its places but I see your point.  I say sorry to convey care.

It's confusing when people say to let go of something that you've no idea that you're clinging to.  I don't know how to put down hurt.

But I will try my best.

I honestly just want to be cared about.  And work through my feelings to provide care to others in return.  I need to work on accepting myself.

I think thats what I do too, in a way. thanks for articulating that. What would be the proper phrase. I dislike that you were hurt?
Im not sure that works but worth exploring.

I did recapitulation like I've said. Stranger has another method he has typed out in another thread.
I will go find the link. Basically though once you have learned what you need to from a situation its time to let it go. Unless rabbit hole you are not.

There are ways to erase the trigger, a trigger is just a way of re-injuring an old wound so it gets bigger and bigger and bigger. You either eventually give up and learn from the pain then release it or you go further into the wound and darkness. You are not your pain or your wounds. They belong to ego, and were there only to teach you.

Ok going to go see if I can find the post Stranger made about his method. Its to late ... at nigh now morning for me to attempt an explanation.

[Glow]

Credit goes to Stranger.
I am cutting and pasting his post from discipline of the mind going into 4d
https://www.bring4th.org/forums/showthre...#pid235937

On a separate note, it is exceedingly easy to heal our triggers.  This is all it would take for your friend to fully heal the pattern you describe:

1. Close eyes, recall to mind your words that triggered him, and allow the feeling associated with it to arise without judging or trying to suppress or change it.  Simply be present with that feeling for a few moments, noticing and observing it.
(Optional: If the feeling is very intense of unpleasant, imagine a strong box with no openings and put the feeling inside.  Everyone can do this.  Notice how the intensity of the feeling instantly drops.)

2. Let go of any negative feelings toward the feeling; if not sure how to do it, just ask those feelings to step back and they will.  Now focus on the target feeling with caring & kindness (i.e., Love).    I often use the image of holding a tiny puppy.  Hold that feeling in your arms like a puppy and love it.  Over the period of just a few minutes, it will dissolve partially or completely.  Continue until it's completely gone (but don't try to force it to dissolve or change - that's incompatible with love.  Just love it and it will dissolve by itself.)

Now, recall to mind the incident that had initially triggered you, and notice the change in your automatic emotional response.