What is it with me?

[AnthroHeart]

I don't know.

My first book editor, and my illustrator, both when they finished the project for my book they never spoke to me again.
My best friend thinks I'm irrational.
My mom thinks I'm incompetent.

Maybe I'm irrational because I want to believe that dreams are real and that anthros can be real too.
I've cried because others get their Christmas wish but I cannot.

I love others, but they don't seem to love me back.

My dog is all I have, and even he doesn't always like my attention.
I tend to smother my dog with affection.

I have a past that I'm afraid will get out if my book takes off.

I'm writing a 2nd book where I'm more vulnerable. It will definitely tell some of my secrets, but nothing bad.
But still, it may ruin my writing career. Do readers like honesty?

The publisher I'm using does not allow anything sexual in their books, so I'm not including that.

It's hard to feel aroused by another human. Only anthros really do anything for me. And they aren't physical in this dimension.

Am I a complicated person, or am I easy to understand?

When I see my therapist monthly, I do not usually remember what was said.
He pays attention because I pay him.
But he helps me out when I need his professionalism. Perhaps the most professional person I know who helps me.
My psychiatrist is cool too, but she doesn't spend much time with me. Definitely not an hour like my therapist.

At any moment I am about to break down psychologically. I probably won't do anything but well up inside and sob.

I feel like an overexposed photo.

Too much light and not enough love. Like my brain has been bleached.
When I wake up sometimes my back hurts.

I feel so alone here. My mom isn't much support. Everything she talks about is wrong to her. I can never do anything right.
I buy her food and she still gripes.

I know I'm not alone. But surprisingly I'm not depressed.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I think you and I are just strange to others.  Socializing might be hard to do in a way that doesn't leave others a bit tired from the experience.

I've noticed I very commonly seem to make people sweat or weary after talking to me.

Gemini, you are schizophrenic, that is going to make you come off to others as a bit irrational at least, I'd say be happy he only see's you irrationally, a lot of people treat mentally ill people with much less respect.

And I'm willing to bet your mom('s soul) is doing the best it can with what it was given.  My mom is cruel to me too, I just have to try my best to be forgiving and discrete about my great despise of that cruely.  She's just angry, much like I am, abd she takes it out on whoever she's closest to, which is me.

So, that means something if I'm trying to be positive.

I think you're complicated but in simple ways, kind of like me actually, surrounding the core of some simple aspect of you is a lot of barriers for your own safety that make you seem more complicated than you might be.

If by past you mean when you hurt your dog, I think if a reader takes the time to learn about you because they liked your book that much, they'll learn you're schizophrenic, they'll know anything bad you did might not have been in the right mindset.  They'll probably be somewhat forgiving.  It's scary thinking of how we'll be judged by our past.

My cat is tired of my affection lol. I has no one else to pet and pet and pet affectionately lol

I think you do what I do, think too much.  Well man, you're doing something you know?  You're doing something you want to do.  You're handling it.  You're doing the best you can and that's good enough for me.

I'd say, hey, have a pat on the back and some cham'pagen (futurama brannigan joke), and maybe take some time to enjoy the realization that you're taking action, and really really try not to let any fear deter you from action like I have.  I'm overly paranoid about catalyst, you're already a good way through your incarnation, you've done extremely good managing so far.

I wouldn't hold it against your therapist, he's probably burned out from his several dozen other patients, doing the best he can.

And I'd say don't be afraid to cry when you feel lonely.  Loneliness is one of the hardest things to live with as any kind of animal, human, anthro, or 2D.

You're doing great man, just remember that

[AnthroHeart]

Thank you, CA. I do tend to overthink sometimes.
I'm a little frustrated at all the work it's going to take to write my next book. I'm going to write like 95% of it, and then collaborate with someone else to help with content editing to restructure it for the best. That is if that person still talks to me since I finished the first book.

One thing that's weird that happened is when I hallucinated Ra. I wasn't wearing my glasses, and Ra looked very blurry. I would have thought that hallucinations would be sharp in your vision.

Unless he was really there.

[AnthroHeart]

My best friend tells me to stop thinking of those damn characters so much. He is a skeptic and only believes in what is proven.
I've shown him a video of a person who can light paper on fire with his chi, and he disregarded it saying it was fake.
So if it's outside his belief system, he'll never believe in it.

I could turn into an anthro right in front of him and he'd say that was fake. Probably would tell me to turn back, but still not believe it.

I guess save my dream for the afterlife. I don't know how it's going to be. I don't know how I will be greeted there.

[GentleReckoning]

Learn of the collective subconscious. And how you literally share distortions with those closest to you. Do the people in your life want to live in an imaginary lala-land (the very definition of being ungrounded) or do they want to succeed in love, life and health....

[Infinite Unity]

My best friend tells me to stop thinking of those damn characters so much. He is a skeptic and only believes in what is proven.
I've shown him a video of a person who can light paper on fire with his chi, and he disregarded it saying it was fake.
So if it's outside his belief system, he'll never believe in it.

I could turn into an anthro right in front of him and he'd say that was fake. Probably would tell me to turn back, but still not believe it.

I guess save my dream for the afterlife. I don't know how it's going to be. I don't know how I will be greeted there.

I love you indie, let the anthro go. In my opinion alot of your distortions that are unhealthy lie within who you see/know/believe yourself to be. In the LOO were co creators. Powerful, vibrant, co creators. Rise up brother grasp the rod of power:vibration. Look within past all thoughts(light and love) to the true self. Then rejoice and carry on within the light and love knowing you chose it, and that is the only truth. You and your thoughts, were are you going to go?

[AnthroHeart]

Thanks for the feedback. I will do my best to not talk about them so much. I'm writing a book where I am one, and am pouring my heart out there through my creativity.
It seems I have a lot to say on the subject.

[GentleReckoning]

Good luck. Personal ambitions are always beneficial.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I'd say the judgments against you were revealed.  I personally like your desire to find a place you feel you belong.  Other's can write that off as wanting a lala fantasy land, but man people get their lala fantasy lands all the time in writing, gaming, art, even erotica and scientific exploration have some weird lala lands.  Look at quantum mechanics, that's pretty lala landish to people 100 years ago.

It's not toxic, if anything its the judgment of it being toxic that is toxic, toxic to you.

So keep at it, these 'ways' you are, they're leading you down this road and it's up to you to stay on it or take a turn onto a different road.  Some people escape into Star Wars, some into Star Trek, some escape into MLP, others into cute anime, and some escape into Aliens and Anthros.

What's wrong with that?  Some fantasy is very healthy for a stressed m/b/s complex, POW's relied on their imaginations and fantasies to withstand their torture and present life.  If a schizophrenic person is made happier with anthros and the Light of Love, how could it be wrong to enjoy those things?

You're doing good as I said before, I see little wrong, in all of your catalyst you're still trying to do something, trying to be better, get a message out, you're trying and that's the most I will ever want from anyone.

You care about something, you haven't forgotten or just stopped caring.  Even if that care isn't typical, it's something, and it's a start.

And that's all this world needs, is a start.

[Aion]

People are generally overwhelmed by any kind of intense focus. It's not what you're focusing on, it's the intensity and dominance of the notion that people respond to. Unfortunately that is just how passions work. Unless you're ready to kill your passions, you just gotta accept that they may be misunderstood.

[MangusKhan]

I think that if you spread your energy out more, into more foci, then you would have more opportunities to connect with others. At present, you seem to have an intense and narrow focus on something which very few people can relate to, and which offers very little potential for polarised work within this world of human beings. You don't have to give up the anthro, but it seems like you do have to respect the human form in which you've chosen to incarnate.

My worry with you is that the love of furries is accompanied by a subtle rejection of human beings, your self included. I find it difficult to believe that pre-incarnation your desire was to share furrydom with this world, or to become an "anthro shaman". More likely, you wanted to share love with this world, and become an adept through this pure sharing. Somewhere along the line you have confused sharing love, with sharing the forms and concepts which you associate with love. That is to say, you now propagate furrydom instead of propagating love. Most people in this world will love you if you love them, but they will likely not love you if you impose distorted energy on them, which is essentially what you do when you propagate furrydom instead of propagating love. The great love within the furrydom is very apparent to me, but distortion is the key word here. Furrydom is not the universal love, it is a distortion and cannot replace it. Indeed, it is impossible to interact in this world without distortion. This post contains distortion as do all others in the thread, but that's part of life here. The key is discerning which distortions are useful and will yield reactions in consciousness when applied to others.

It is always somewhat a guessing game, but I'm confident to say that your particular distortion is one which is hindering your potential for service, as it simply does not serve the grand majority of people. The creator only wants to give others what they want. The creator is infinitely adaptable. To have an intense focus as you do is to distort the light of the creator, and disable your ability to give to others what they want and what they need, as you would if you embodied the creator more truly. The people of this world need love and they need wisdom, but you give them furries. The people of this world love to be understood and their feelings accommodated, but you only have a spare room for fantastical anthropomorphic beings.

A potential for great work in your life that I see, is in connecting more fully with the "real world" and the human beings in it. You will find many people within the furrydom who are in need of undistorted love and wisdom, who feel alienated from this world, and I'm sure they will listen to a fellow furry far more readily than they would listen to a plain old human. In this case, your distortions become an asset rather than a hindrance. That's very powerful, to realise that your distortions are there for a reason, and that they are actually affording you possibilities for service which you wouldn't have otherwise. Working with these distortions is often a way to heal them, because then they are blessed distortions, and therefore distortions no more in the sense of blocking your light. Now they simply flavour the light in a way that certain people will prefer. These are your people, should you accept the responsibility of being a beacon for them. Consider that.

I wish you well and ask that you disregard any part of this post that you feel has not hit the mark.

[AnthroHeart]

Thank you, Mangus.

As for now, I'm leaving my furry side to fictional writing and creating a world/universe there in that medium.
I do have that fursuit which I can use to relate to other furries.

Other than these, I do see a therapist, and he hasn't yet said my furry side is unhealthy. I do want to help others.
I have no idea if I put anthros in my path as a person (before this life), or if I discovered it along the way.

I know I can't relate to many people this way, and it may even drive some away.

But finding those who are spiritual and furry both is very difficult. Both of these seem to balance equally in my life.

Thing is, those that stopped talking to me I had not talked about furry with them.
Some I have, but it's like 50/50. Some leave discussions for other reasons.

At least I'm not suicidal anymore.

Maybe I just shouldn't care what other people think.

And I might possibly need to repeat 3D in order to learn what I was supposed to.

[Aion]

You definitely shouldn't care what other people think of you. You're only here to be yourself, not to be who anybody else expects you to be.

[Glow]

I don't know.

My first book editor, and my illustrator, both when they finished the project for my book they never spoke to me again.
My best friend thinks I'm irrational.
My mom thinks I'm incompetent.

Maybe I'm irrational because I want to believe that dreams are real and that anthros can be real too.
I've cried because others get their Christmas wish but I cannot.

I love others, but they don't seem to love me back.

My dog is all I have, and even he doesn't always like my attention.
I tend to smother my dog with affection.

I have a past that I'm afraid will get out if my book takes off.

I'm writing a 2nd book where I'm more vulnerable. It will definitely tell some of my secrets, but nothing bad.
But still, it may ruin my writing career. Do readers like honesty?

The publisher I'm using does not allow anything sexual in their books, so I'm not including that.

It's hard to feel aroused by another human. Only anthros really do anything for me. And they aren't physical in this dimension.

Am I a complicated person, or am I easy to understand?

When I see my therapist monthly, I do not usually remember what was said.
He pays attention because I pay him.
But he helps me out when I need his professionalism. Perhaps the most professional person I know who helps me.
My psychiatrist is cool too, but she doesn't spend much time with me. Definitely not an hour like my therapist.

At any moment I am about to break down psychologically. I probably won't do anything but well up inside and sob.

I feel like an overexposed photo.

Too much light and not enough love. Like my brain has been bleached.
When I wake up sometimes my back hurts.

I feel so alone here. My mom isn't much support. Everything she talks about is wrong to her. I can never do anything right.
I buy her food and she still gripes.

I know I'm not alone. But surprisingly I'm not depressed.

Hey I didn’t read this till now and I’m sorry you are struggling and feel alone.
As a friend I’m going to say, leaving here where we do care about you might not be in your best interest. It’s your choice always but we understand you here.

I relate to what you say about your affection level... I can relate.
I would be to much for any one person. I swear it goes back to being part of the social memory complex. Single separateness existence is just not natural for some of us. I’d rather be semi permeable and others be able to share my energy/space. So in this body I just like to be close but most other people aren’t like that so I have 2 dogs a husband friends that get mauled and I regularly hug clients and strangers.
As a woman I can get away with it. It must be harder as a man so I totally feel for you.

I don’t know if you are gone already or still here but I will put this out there.
I don’t understand the anthro thing but I admit I have told A LOT of people I think the world of humans could use more human puppy piles. I have that instinct it’s not sexual or anthro but who knows where it came from. Maybe I have spent time where you picked up your anthro connection.

Ever see puppies in a pile? So safe warm connected so much trust intimacy sharing and closeness. I know we aren’t “animals” but I think we’d be happier as a species if we had human puppypiles. Touch is so healing and spiritually/physically/emotionally nurturing and as modern humans touch is in such short supply...especially for men. Which is counter intuitive as how do you open a heart closed by centuries of needing to suppress emotion due to the needs of war but with gentle care and nurturing. Puppypiles would be great for that.

Anyways that likely reads like nonsense but I wanted to share since you’ve been so open.

Know we care. Physically you may be alone like many of us here but spiritually we are with you. Come back or stay if you feel inclined. We can manage this together

[AnthroHeart]

Yes, Glow. Furries like me have done furpiles, where we all snuggle together.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

It's not nonsense Glow.  All I ever wanted was the warmth and security of the touch of another.  I had girlfriends whom couldn't even hold my hand because it was weird for them, but all I wanted was to feel that connection.

Having never known that sensation except briefly, it is hard being expected to not want to hug people or hold someone's hand. It's not acceptable as a guy but it's what I usually want to do. Hugs for everyone! The world needs more hugs.

But I am admittedly a touchy person.  I would've been a masseuse but a few too many gay jokes later deterred that...

Touch is very important for me, often I miss more than anything the sensations of touch.  Even just having someone hold my hand for a second is an intimate sensation for me now... And the most longing sensation I miss of my son was holding him as a baby...

It cannot be understated how important touch is...  You can't convey the loving feeling of care as deeply with words as one strong hug can provide. You can get close, but that hug provides the kind of warmth that fuels us, love/light.

It's so weird, how important touch is to me.  To have another to  get cozy with before sleeping, someone to just hold your hand to calm you down, a hug to comfort a tired soul.

It's not nonsense...

[Aion]

I have a hard time with close contact with others because through touch my empathy amplifies massively. For a long time I actually avoided any physical contact. It's easier to snuggle animals than humans, their emotions are simpler. That being said, I do like affection, but I have to be in the mood for it. I get bored just laying around and cuddling. Like, I guess it's nice, but I don't really get it a lot of the time.

I think that it is a pretty normal human necessity though. I still do need contact too, just when I'm ready for it.

[Glow]

I had a friend hold my hand today.
They were on the phone and pretty sure it was partially a gesture to get me to wait to talk till they were finished on the phone but it’s fascinating to me what a compliment a hand hold is.

Sex is without anything else physically pleasurable, Hugs feel nice from even strangers, but for a hand hold to be worth the effort you both just really need to want that closeness.

It’s intimacy without any payoff but the intimacy itself. It seems the connection shared really makes the hand hold too. Not to deep a connection, not much to say about the handhold. Deep connection, so much comes through those hands. Amazing how little touch can mean so much.

CA I wonder if it just felt to intimate to them. I swear to me it’s more intimate than sex. Sex you are doing and feeling physical sensations to go with any emotional. Hand holding is having to go out on that limb and find pleasure in not the doing or the physical but the intimacy. I guess that could really freak some people out.

Note to self do not maul Aion if we meet.
Note to self CA is maul-able if we meet.

[Aion]

Actually, funny enough, I am typically a hugger with everyone. I don't mind it so much now since I've had years of practice and after learning Reiki I got pretty used to energy transfers but it still puts me on edge if someone is too touchy. I guess I like to be the hugger more than I like being hugged, lol.

Just don't startle me or catch me too off-guard or I might have wing chun response. Pretty rare that anything throws me off though. I do act and dramatize for hilarity though. I'm not one to get huffy about things, if I'm uncomfortable I just withdraw but I have put my foot down in the past when certain individuals would not respect my personal space.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I am happy to be on your maul list haha!

I don't know what it is but intimacy is very hard for me to come by.

It's probably my face.  Yeah, probably the face. And my voice. Actually honestly I should give one person way more credit. Thanks you, you know who you are lol

[Jade]

You have to learn how to be intimate with and love yourself, before others can learn how to be intimate with you.

[Diana]

Actually, funny enough, I am typically a hugger with everyone. I don't mind it so much now since I've had years of practice and after learning Reiki I got pretty used to energy transfers but it still puts me on edge if someone is too touchy. I guess I like to be the hugger more than I like being hugged, lol.

Has Reiki given you a way to channel energies from others? 

[Minyatur]

Unless I feel intimate with a person, physical touch will just leave me feeling a bit awkward. Like if someone needed a hug, well I don't really and would just wait for the other person to be done with their need.

I think there is a certain deepness within me that others naturally don't want to touch also, and which has a bit of a repelling effect. A bit ago I went to a new age shop to buy some rocks and ended up chatting with the lady there and asked her things about her services and healing, and she was saying she learned over the years to let her intuition guide her over fix methods and she gave example of that if her intuitions tell her to touch someone then she does and as she said that she raised her hand to grab my arm but stopped mid-way and retreated. Kinda just made me smile mentally, like I guess your intuition told you to not touch me.

The body has clear in-built programmed instincts toward physical touch but in my experience it's nothing that mental play cannot satisfy. The mind can connect to others beyond physical touch and while physical touch allows to release energies that build up in one's body, to touch others without the physical can allow to more deeply touch another's spirit. Physical release then can be achiveved through other means also. I guess as Gemini I am more of a mental sign and so with how I am can just be "my way". A good example is that in school I've had a crush on a girl for 3-4 years and more than going out to talk with her I'd just always picture her at my side, I'd go to bed and think of her being with me for hours straight, feeling filled with love and light and completely energized.

The body is technically a layer of abstraction between spirit to separate them and so I think the physical allows more an exchange of what energies were absorbed from the environnement, which allows them to more easily be balanced through the synergy of being many to process it, but a spirit to spirit connection goes beyond the physical although it is still filtered through the body. Obviously I'm not saying that spirit-to-spirit cannot be reached in a physical play, as it is always at play, but ut what drives the contact is focused on the physical then it is unlikely to go beyond it. While, to find to feel whole through the mental already let goes somewhat of the separative illusion to an extent (works with seeking wholeness).

---

What I said about myself somewhat only applies to human contact, because of the extent which human are distorted and how energy is often made stagnant, with animals I really got no hold back unless the animal itself feels a resistance like fear or worry. Otherwise I just love to go on the ground playing with dogs and such. I think like Aion said, it is because their emotions are more simple, and I'd add it makes them purer.

I think we already are semi-permeable with one another on the emotional level. It can be conscious or not, but it is there. Yet, while the energy is shared it doesn't mean it is filtered the same and so what makes one feel a way doesn't necessarily make you feel that way through the lenses of your own distortions. But the energy is shared and it is a transparent and balanced personality that will be able to truly see how an energy is filtered in another, as it is not distorted in the self.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

You have to learn how to be intimate with and love yourself, before others can learn how to be intimate with you.

That's exceptionally hard to do when you're abusive to yourself by default.
Duly noted, Ms. Jade.

Hopefully one day I will have such back again.

[Infinite Unity]

Unless I feel intimate with a person, physical touch will just leave me feeling a bit awkward. Like if someone needed a hug, well I don't really and would just wait for the other person to be done with their need.

I think there is a certain deepness within me that others naturally don't want to touch also, and which has a bit of a repelling effect. A bit ago I went to a new age shop to buy some rocks and ended up chatting with the lady there and asked her things about her services and healing, and she was saying she learned over the years to let her intuition guide her over fix methods and she gave example of that if her intuitions tell her to touch someone then she does and as she said that she raised her hand to grab my arm but stopped mid-way and retreated. Kinda just made me smile mentally, like I guess your intuition told you to not touch me.

The body has clear in-built programmed instincts toward physical touch but in my experience it's nothing that mental play cannot satisfy. The mind can connect to others beyond physical touch and while physical touch allows to release energies that build up in one's body, to touch others without the physical can allow to more deeply touch another's spirit. Physical release then can be achiveved through other means also. I guess as Gemini I am more of a mental sign and so with how I am can just be "my way". A good example is that in school I've had a crush on a girl for 3-4 years and more than going out to talk with her I'd just always picture her at my side, I'd go to bed and think of her being with me for hours straight, feeling filled with love and light and completely energized.

The body is technically a layer of abstraction between spirit to separate them and so I think the physical allows more an exchange of what energies were absorbed from the environnement, which allows them to more easily be balanced through the synergy of being many to process it, but a spirit to spirit connection goes beyond the physical although it is still filtered through the body. Obviously I'm not saying that spirit-to-spirit cannot be reached in a physical play, but if what drives the contact is focused on the physical than it is unlikely to go beyond it while to find to feel whole through the mental already let goes somewhat of the separative illusion to an extent (works with seeking wholeness).

---

What I said about myself somewhat only applies to human contact, because of the extent which human are distorted and how energy is often made stagnant, with animals I really got no hold back unless the animal itself feels a resistance like fear or worry. Otherwise I just love to go on the ground playing with dogs and such. I think like Aion said, it is because their emotions are more simple, and I'd add it makes them purer.

I think we already are semi-permeable with one another on the emotional level. It can be conscious or not, but it is there. Yet, while the energy is shared it doesn't mean it is filtered the same and what makes one feel a way doesn't necessarily make you feel that way through the lenses of your distortions. But the energy is shared and it's a transparent and balanced personality that will be able to truly see how an energy is filtered in another, because it is not distorted in the self.

Nicely put brother, I see your still laying it down around these waters. I'm glad.

I consort to the idea that there is a semi-permeable connectedness on the emotional level, However I think its like that on every level. How it manifests or is, is obviously different as well, and the distortions or lenses your viewing through or from will obviously effect the experience. Like there is less "space" in-between these bodies then we could quite imagine. How other-selves thoughts flow into "our" minds. I also believe we are 'fully connected', and that it is only 'seemingly' semi. due to the veil/distortion.

It is good to see you still around Min. I love you brother.

[Infinite Unity]

You have to learn how to be intimate with and love yourself, before others can learn how to be intimate with you.

That's exceptionally hard to do when you're abusive to yourself by default.
Duly noted, Ms. Jade.

Hopefully one day I will have such back again.

Thought is flexible.

Stop allowing the surface to dictate the internal eternal.

One of the main points of silence is to find the self that generates and is beyond circumstance.(The One is the only thing that is not a Thoughtform, even love is the great original 'THOUGHT'.)

The people that take aim at you, the things they are aiming at, are generated from within themselves. They are aiming at themselves regardless of seemingly aiming at anyone, as we are always and ever the only One.

You are worthy and Loved, you are not odd, you are unique as everyone else is. Other-selves here clamour to "normal" due to fear.

[Jade]

You have to learn how to be intimate with and love yourself, before others can learn how to be intimate with you.

That's exceptionally hard to do when you're abusive to yourself by default.
Duly noted, Ms. Jade.

Hopefully one day I will have such back again.

Society trains us all to self flagellate, and to compete with each other. It really takes a lot of dedicated re-training to correct that.

My trick is: Find that thing I love the absolute most and unconditionally, and remind myself that we are one and I deserve the same love that I give to them, and then give that love to myself in kind. We all deserve the same unconditional love as everyone else.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Okay Jade, well, not to be pretentious or shocking, but I'd say I love my son more than anything else in the world.  In my ideal scenario, I'd at least be around because I love him, but I dealt myself a different kind of hand.  Still, I shall persist, the few times I got to hold my son felt like my heart was going to burst, like Grinch status, grew a few sizes too big.  Getting to sleep with him on my chest one night was all I needed to know I wanted to do just about anything to make his life better.  I initially found self love through that great big love of my son, through the very realizations you have offered.

And while I may not hold the same level of intensity, I do love everyone here too.  You're all sort of like my impromptu distant family.  Like you Jade, have some love, thank you for your patience and attention and effort.

It's not unnoticed~

Just realize that initial source of discovering unconditional love was also the source that brought me to feel great frustration even after coming to terms with the loss of my son from my life, I find I must come to those terms over and over, and sometimes I'm just unable to handle doing that, because a part of me feels like things didn't need to end up the ways they did, but that's life I suppose our culture would say in response.

I like to think I have some level of self love, intimacy, and respect.  I also like to think I also have some level of self degradation, self abuse, and self destruction.  Seems to be the baggage that comes with wanting to write about the only thing that holds people's attention, darkness.

Our cosmic fascination with the darkness is an interesting topic for me.  When I'm not trying to reconcile it with the unconditional love that spawned it.  Of course it's all unconditional love behind the scenes, and it's all just smoke and mirrors and rays of light.  Just seems harder to view that with darkness right in fine focus.

---

It is so weird seeing' Gemini's account closed...  It's surreal.  Like what happens now?  Who makes the cute remarks and breaks the ice?  Makes us remember we're all bozos doing the best we can with what we have?  Or posts cute animal videos or provides highly unique insights?  Talk about one of a kind.  So weird...Being gone.

It's like, I'm proud though, because maybe he left to focus on his book, on his life, and maybe he felt self conscious about his indicated activity level.  It's weird how he's 6 likes away from 1111 likes given.

So weird...

It renews my motivation to pick up my zombie book (once I get back my little laptop), and continue it.  I put it down because it makes me have to confront the dark things possible of people, and to actually put characters through that is actually somewhat traumatic for myself as I don't particularly enjoy it but without those catalyst, the books wouldn't be interesting.  As well as the issue that is my desire to go on an exploration with a book, and not just pump out a generic story, but one that takes you for spins, twists, leaps, and falls.  If I can't get tears out of a reader, I didn't do good enough.  If I can't make them laugh, or hate me for murdering their favorite character, then what's the point of writing?

It makes me wonder if the creator is TRYING to provoke itself, and it's not about JUST experiencing the self, but about understanding the self.

I feel somewhat blessed, to have the opportunity to feel the madnesses that I do for that creator, even if it puts me through hell, I can at least say I believe in a reason why, a reason to persist, a reason that is Love, a love for myself, my godly self, my other self.  It's confusing why the suffering must persist, but it is as it is by a being vastly more knowledgeable than even our higher density mentors.

I think I could even brave the zombie apocalypse (in fictional experience) to find new gems of wisdom.  My writing in particular has always been a passive form of channeling higher concepts into creative scenarios.  I remember when I came up with 'The Obliteration', big multiverse encompassing void of white.  I had already imagined Intelligent Infinity in physical format, I had concepts of polarity, the struggle to produce love in a world filled with darkness.  The struggle to just be.  So, I hope Gemini has great success in his fictional journeys, and I hope I have a similar success.

I mean, who doesn't like the

anyway? I'd read a zombie novel.

[Jade]

I'm not surprised at all that your son is the one you love the most intensely and purely. You created that, even if you are being withheld from it. You deserve love. Things could have turned out different, but every time you punish or hate yourself, you punish and hate him - you two are going to be energetically linked forever. Maybe start loving yourself for him?

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

I do love myself, if you mean to wholly and completely love myself, I am trying.  I tell myself, it's done, it's happened, I 'failed' (I believe I 'collapsed' the timeline where I married my ex and made a family with her) my first plan, then 'failed' ('collapsed' another life of professionalism and academic study) my second plan, and now I'm on my last resort, I found the Law of One, I GOT the answers I sought, and now I am tasked with the greatest responsibility that I still struggle to fathom and enact.

The empowerment from that knowledge that I have a choice.  It is simplified to being STO or STS, I am stuck aiming for STO, but I can't shake this deep sensation that there's some STS needed in STO, to love the self and be selfish to further be selfless.  To say no.  To lie to not hurt feelings, and sure that manipulates people, and maybe it's bad for polarizing, but I'd rather save someone the pain and give it to them in a soft blanket of caution for their feelings.

And I'm just left TRYING to say I collapsed those plans because I was selfish and greedy and childish and spoiled, but that they happened for an important reason, when the only reason I can see is I screwed it up myself, and I am to blame, and I was the one who failed, and hurt everyone, and messed up.  You could imagine that, couldn't you Jade?  You've seen how I can pop off, how I lose it to myself, how I can be so seemingly determined, but have no motivation, and the frustration that follows.

Did you know I lack a Midheaven placement in my Astrology Chart?  I have no direction as such, I swing towards writing, I write, then the needle swings around, suddenly I'm exercising but not writing, then the needle swings, I'm at job interviews trying to make a life, then it swings, I'm thinking about the creator with all my time, an it swings, I'm writing again.

I could list my talents, portray a life path, make a 'plan' to follow, a job route, a career path, or at least a hobby or business route.  Instead I'm all over the place.  One month I'm meditating, suddenly I can't seem to bring myself to do so.  One week I'm working on a chakra guide for divination, only to suddenly feel myself moving away from it.

Like, RIGHT NOW, this particular moment, my needle is swung towards writing, and it's highly motivated and focused, but I know I'm just 'in the zone' so to speak, and eventually the needle will swing, and maybe I'll go back to learning programming, then it'll swing, and I'll lose interest in programming to begin illustrating and making digital art.  Then it swings and I'm interested in gardening.  Then it swings and I want to know the truth and the creator.  Then it swings and all I can focus on is finding a girlfriend, then it swings and I'm back to catching up on Dragon Ball, then it swings and I'm back to playing video games, then it swings and I'm back to writing my zombie novel.

In all of that, one of those swings is to seek out that depth of self love, but it is ephemeral.  I have no focus, no direction, no motivation, basically no structure.

I...Believe that I NEED someone else to provide that structure, I'm the paint, but without a paint can I'm just a mess.  Get it?

So, I try to love myself, I see I'm this and that, and all of this self judgment comes up, I say this is all good and well, because it is!  Because the damned straightforward truth is everybody is not being raped and tortured and murdered (they're just being brainwashed daily by society and indoctrinated into mass psychological sociological manipulation operations by very smart intelligence agencies.), they're all mostly just sad as I am at the state of everything, but beyond that, most people are good...  But like right now, all I can think of while saying that is the homeless people tonight.  It's windy out, very windy, and cold.  There's some cold people out there tonight, I worry about them, they're not well, they're cold.

But alas, the MAJORITY is well...  I am asked to focus on that good, so I try.

But underneath it all, I seem to love everything else more than myself, I do have this weird habit of self destruction, and for someone who's never self harmed, cut or taken pills or anything, with only a few attempts to gas myself to death, I have to say I find I am all good and well enough, there are others who need attention more than me, and I focus on them a lot.

I don't really focus on myself, I want to be organic, if suddenly I feel a desire to meditate, I do so, I don't plan it out even though I REALLY REALLY should.  I don't want to take my spirituality and put it into a schedule, but ironically that seems to be an important part to being spiritual.

Whatever rationalizations, excuses, and whatever's I come up with, you're not wrong that I could do well to love myself more.

Just realize that the reason I don't is because of a massive internal struggle with myself to just believe in all of the s*** put into my head over my life of being useless and living a pointless life that only serves to hurt others, and believing in myself.

Isn't it a beautiful thing?  I love Creator, I love you, I love the darkness even.  But I don't love myself.  I mean, I do, but when I look at how others treat me, how they treat themselves.  I can't help but to share that experience.

I will love myself, when others begin loving themselves, that seems to be my default status, the misery and pain of feeling something was wrong with the world my entire life...  It's because I take on everything.

Maybe this is inflation on my part, but ever since joining B4, the internal catalyst for me has become immensely enormous, yes, immensely, enormous.  There's a bunch of energies floating around here and I've taken many of the darker ones and voiced them.  The unspoken anger, such as at Monica back when, or the unspoken issues of the Ra Material, such as the cult like identity that is denied, or the myriad nuances of understanding and reconciling racism and sexism.  The incredible amount of manipulation that is subtly going on, the dogma of this philosophy.  There's a lot of things that I hadn't ever had to deal with until I came here and integrated with these energies.  Why Jade, you yourself manifest these energies in your exaggerations at times.  Aion manifests these energies at times, as does the more sensitive members of B4 such as Mahakali, Cainite, even Gemini at times seemed to mirror a subconscious facet of B4.

I am a recollective reflection, I hate talking about it because unless I'm being humble, I sound arrogant as f***, but basically put I can read between the lines, but I'm biased so I only look for certain things, but I can't ignore it all.  Emotions are signals that we all radiate, I am perpetually stuck on RECEIVE.  I remember as a child, being in large groups was literally numbing, I couldn't process or think much, and truthfully most of my life I didn't have to think because my feelings seemed to be enough for me to go off of, which is why I was the guy in The Phoenician (super high class expensive as f*** hotel) walking around in torn up bleach-spot-covered sweat pants.  I didn't have any awareness of my self image until after I met the girl I ended up having a son with, at like 19.
It's why I could walk outside in sweat pants and a tshirt, in an old jacket, looking like a homeless guy, a hobo, and I couldn't even notice the looks people gave me.
My self awareness has always been more focused on awareness of others.  I'm a great observer, listener, great notice of fine details, you see how I nitpick the Law of One, I could pull one nitpick out of my butt right now, let's see, ah yes, Ra says Wanderers spend a great amount of time preparing to be a Wanderer, but then says that a freshly harvested 3D being into 4D can nearly immediately return to 3D as a 4D Wanderer.
I'm great at it, I was able to turn an image of heaven and twist it into hell, all without even meaning to!

Perhaps it's in all of this intellectual potential, this latent ability to so finely scrutinize things, that I can say I lose the ability to consider myself for the big picture.

I'm always thinking about Love, the Big Picture of Unconditional Love, I'm always thinking about it, about why.  I'm obsessed with Creator and The Truth, with Spirituality and Creation.  I am OBSESSED, I am High Functioning Autistic, a part of autism is obsession, my autistic friends' obsessions' are Flying and Video Games, mine is Spirituality.  It's like I was born to claw at the veil trying to see through it.  Born to chase the place I just came from.

I don't know.  Why don't I love myself more for my son?  Because I honestly believe I'll never see him again, that the most that'll happen is he'll appear out of the blue ten or twenty years from now and he'll see I'm pretty much a loser, and that'll be that and I'll try to be a good 'Dad' despite having never been there for him, and I'll probably screw things up, because I'm exceptionally well at screwing up the most important things in my life.  I screwed up my relationship with his mother, I screwed up my relationship with him, I screwed up my relationship with my family on the east coast, I screwed up my job situation, I screwed up my Law of One spirituality.

That is my catalyst, I'm paint, and without a paint can, I'm a mess.  I keep thinking, I'll find my wife out of the blue, and she'll whip my ass into shape with love.  Point me like Zeus aims a lightning bolt.  Then I remember I look and act the ways I do and laugh at my fantasy of ever having a wife.  I mean, even if I did, let's face it.  Looking at my cycles, my themes, abuse and loss are cyclical themes.  My father, married six times, divorced 4 (one of his wives died of a heart attack) and on his way towards another divorce, my mother, married four times, divorced four times, and is perpetually single and isn't even trying to find anyone anymore.

I get what I want, then I lose it.

So, why don't I love myself?

I believe if I do, it'll hurt me.  That it'll spawn more catalyst of a focused nature, I'll get somewhere, then I'll lose it all.  I'll maybe even worse follow in my father's footsteps, four kids, know's partly only one of them, his last one.  Like I already have a son whom I failed like my father failed his first kids, I can see it vividly that I find another girl, start a family, then it falls apart, the alimony, the divorce, the continuation of the themes of loss and abuse.  I'll be the abused and the abuser most likely.

I could go on and on.  I'm scared to love myself, don't you know I'm a monster as much as a creator?

I could have probably just said that last part, but I want you to see me...  I'm ugly, I'm not pleasant to interact with.  I'm disturbing.  Hell, I'm obnoxious.  I love myself but I hate myself.  Whom even am I?  I felt empty in the green ray for the longest time, what's more I felt deeply empty and in many ways felt the potential draw to a more...Violent self.  As someone who identified personally with of all characters, Dexter the serial killer, I can say I've met that self inside of me, and I am scared of myself.  I'm scared.

I'm just scared, Jade.  I have faith but do I have the courage?

When we think of the three big factors, Power, Love, Wisdom, I think of the Legend of Zelda Triforce, the Love becomes Courage and is held by Link.

I lack Courage/Love.

You are asking me to love the most darkest thing I know of.  You provide great reasons to.  But I'm mentally ill.  I lose control and no amount of conscious effort will change that, the best I can do is work with it, I can't control it.  I look at myself in the mirror, I see God, I see Creator, I see Devil, I see Demiurge.  I love, I hate.

Can you love the worst parts of myself?  I struggle to and I'm me, for real.

And I want to talk further, and spill out my heart and tell you I'm all these bad things in some kind of way that'll touch your heart and make you realize I'm just holding myself back because I have chosen to out of fear, but nothing I will ever say will ever reach you the ways I try to reach you.

If I love myself, I become active, if I'm active, I'm processing catalyst, I'm increasing the need for catalyst.  As I love myself and thus others, I set myself up to get hurt.

I'm...Already mad at my soul for the pain I've felt and I've never even broken a bone.  I can't realistically handle anymore of the pain, I almost killed myself over losing one family, then I lost another, and now I'm here, possibly pushing away all of you with my complaining.  I just want to finish my life with relative calmness.

But I know it won't go that way, if my soul is as I think it is, I don't even know what suffering is yet...

So, now you know.

I'm just scared.  I call it being weak.

Love myself for my son...  I've done that.  Back in 2014.

...And...I don't want to talk about it anymore.  Sorry for all I've already said. I'm just wasting your time now, sorry.