Damaged and Contrast

[AnthroHeart]

I feel my spiritual experiences have damaged me. That coming into this incarnation was probably an error, perhaps a grievous one. I have asked my social memory complex for help in repairing the damage that I've caused myself karmically. It's not just the things I've done to others. It's the freaky initiations and simulations I've been through. I feel I may have set myself back some subdensities when I return home. It probably won't be to as high a subdensity. But I'll probably still go home.

There is a part of me that didn't want to post this, as I thought it a private matter. But I feel better getting it out. I didn't want to sound too repetitive either.

Honestly when I feel the littlest bit of true love, it is too much for me to take. I don't know how I am going to be able to sustain the impact of Creator's Love and Light at the steps of Light.

Thank you for listening.

[anagogy]

"We accept the love we think we deserve."

[reeay]

Big hugs, GW, keep talking it out. Get it out!

[Ankh]

Well, maybe you are a 6D wanderer from Sirius, as you've mentioned in another thread, Wolf? And that's why you don't get the Archetypes of this solar system, cause you come from another set of them. And maybe that is why you are slightly malfunctioning (can we put it in this way?) here, cause there is a slight incompability between "your" Archetypical system and this one? Who knows? But keep breathing, brother, and keep talking, and keep trying to love.

I think that you will go home too, when it's time. Don't worry about those steps of light! And until then, thank you for being here, brother, and thank you for your vibration and service at this time!

[AnthroHeart]

I have a good life, a good job, though I don't like having to work. Still I feel restless inside.

I could be from Sirius. I don't know. But I do like the star.

People would say "What do you have to complain about? you have a home, and a job, and no family to worry about."

Part of me feels missing or broken inside. But that could just be because my mom causes me grief.
She lives with me and I can't just kick her out.

And I have really bizarre fetishes. Though I don't think I would do them in real life.

You could be right Ankh about another set of archetypes. These seem to increase my sensitivity and freak me out
over little things. I can't stand dubstep music. It's too harsh.

Why did I volunteer to come here? It was to serve in the most difficult school/theater.
If we are actors in a play, it seems like a very real play. I'll be glad when it's eventually over.
Then I hope to never have to repeat 3D. But there is resistance at the edge of 4D,
and I am afraid of not making it. It's hard to consistently love when you're hurting inside.

I only have dreams, my dogs, anthros and cartoons to keep me happy.

The weekends go by too fast, and the weekdays go by too slow.
I'm upset that after 2012, time did not disappear like they said it would.

I'm probably going to collapse at the end of my life from wearyness.

I know I'm going to fight hard at the steps of light, so I don't think I'm too worried about them. But I do think about them at times.

[Jeremy]

But what if your plan coming in to this incarnation is precisely what you're going through? Having such self deluding thoughts of unworthiness and ineptitude is clearly counterproductive so what's the point of them in the first place? Why do you think you contiually have these thoughts if there wasn't a reason for them or more specifically a lesson within them? You clearly have them all the time thus there is a clear pattern to this which should throw up all kinds of signals that your aren't acknowledging. Catalysts will become more and more intense until one recognizes them and learns it's lesson.

So you can either find the solution or continue to spiral down this self deluding hole of not feeling worthy. It's up to you brother.

[AnthroHeart]

I feel better now. I had an afternoon nap (like 3 hours). It sort of reset my system. Needed the extra sleep. Inside I feel still and not restless.
Not sure how long it will last.
In it I dreamed there was a man whom I had fondness for whose body was sort of magnetically sticking to mine, and
I found it fascinating. I was moving around and he was following, sort of stuck to me.

I dreamed we were at a convention with 1000's of people and I was outside of the stadium and could barely hear what was going on. I heard they were going to give free food away to everyone, but I didn't want to wait, so I bought a burger while the event was still going on. I'm curious now as to what was the topic.

I just had a synchronicity of seeing 3:33 on the clock.

[reeay]

But what if your plan coming in to this incarnation is precisely what you're going through? Having such self deluding thoughts of unworthiness and ineptitude is clearly counterproductive so what's the point of them in the first place? Why do you think you contiually have these thoughts if there wasn't a reason for them or more specifically a lesson within them? You clearly have them all the time thus there is a clear pattern to this which should throw up all kinds of signals that your aren't acknowledging. Catalysts will become more and more intense until one recognizes them and learns it's lesson.

So you can either find the solution or continue to spiral down this self deluding hole of not feeling worthy. It's up to you brother.

You speak like a man Jeremy And not saying this to be negative at all, I'm just highlighting something that I see happen among men (from experience doing couples therapy) that is also documented by researchers who study human relationships. Men tend to focus on solving problems while women tend to focus on having their emotional needs met by being understood by their partners. When the one partner starts complaining about a relationship or life circumstance, the other partner attempts problem-solution, which then merely escalates the partner's emotional charge. She say, 'You don't understand!' And then the guy goes, gee women are so emotional lol. Maybe it's problem-solution oriented male socialization & emotionally-based female socialization (but this does not apply all the time of course, it can differ according to person).

There is mucho value in understanding problems (bc acceptance of catalyst does imply understanding catalyst too). When a partner begins to learn emotional vocabulary (like identify their partner's emotions & emotional needs via empathy) and be able to simply reflect the others' experience, you will see the emotionally-charged or problem-oriented partner calm down. In a calm state more work can be done.

I think understanding the problem is something we can do to move forward with our life. Like sharing thoughts about experience even if it's repetitive. Understanding problems can mean learning more about self (self-discovery), which could mean learning about possible strengths we may use to resolve problems creatively - strengths we were not aware we had or solutions we never even thought about before.

[AnthroHeart]

Thank you reeay for explaining that so thoughtfully.

I love life, but it's like every time I feel a pain in my heart, I get excited about it.
It could just be my meds.

I'm also not thinking much about anthros right now.

I think the rest took me away from my responsibilities enough to give me a chance to heal. I also don't have to work tomorrow, which is great. Not looking forward to what I'll have to do.

It feels like there's a loving white light protecting me right now. Possibly protecting me from myself. Could be my higher self trying to reach me.

It's amazing that when I feel damaged, I know that everything is still ok.

[Regulus]

But what if your plan coming in to this incarnation is precisely what you're going through? Having such self deluding thoughts of unworthiness and ineptitude is clearly counterproductive so what's the point of them in the first place? Why do you think you contiually have these thoughts if there wasn't a reason for them or more specifically a lesson within them? You clearly have them all the time thus there is a clear pattern to this which should throw up all kinds of signals that your aren't acknowledging. Catalysts will become more and more intense until one recognizes them and learns it's lesson.

So you can either find the solution or continue to spiral down this self deluding hole of not feeling worthy. It's up to you brother.

You speak like a man Jeremy And not saying this to be negative at all, I'm just highlighting something that I see happen among men (from experience doing couples therapy) that is also documented by researchers who study human relationships. Men tend to focus on solving problems while women tend to focus on having their emotional needs met by being understood by their partners. When the one partner starts complaining about a relationship or life circumstance, the other partner attempts problem-solution, which then merely escalates the partner's emotional charge. She say, 'You don't understand!' And then the guy goes, gee women are so emotional lol. Maybe it's problem-solution oriented male socialization & emotionally-based female socialization (but this does not apply all the time of course, it can differ according to person).

There is mucho value in understanding problems (bc acceptance of catalyst does imply understanding catalyst too). When a partner begins to learn emotional vocabulary (like identify their partner's emotions & emotional needs via empathy) and be able to simply reflect the others' experience, you will see the emotionally-charged or problem-oriented partner calm down. In a calm state more work can be done.

I think understanding the problem is something we can do to move forward with our life. Like sharing thoughts about experience even if it's repetitive. Understanding problems can mean learning more about self (self-discovery), which could mean learning about possible strengths we may use to resolve problems creatively - strengths we were not aware we had or solutions we never even thought about before.

—

Thinks: reeay makes for better Marriage Conseiller than Forum Authoritah

[AnthroHeart]

I feel much about 3D as when Morpheus says that the Matrix is a Prison for your Mind.
Though the freedom we do have here is simply illusion.
It is a prison with the veil, compared to other densities.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O4zICmyuNvs

[AnthroHeart]

I've had a lot of contrast in my life.

There was a week when I felt like a child again.
A couple of days where I felt like I was in heaven.
Like I had died and was sitting on my neighbor's porch,
and that we had all ascended to heaven.
It was my manic episode, and it was good.

I loved it when I saw the grass morphing into animals,
or shadows on the wall being animated animals
or when I saw the subconscious mind on a television
and projected on a wall.
When I saw cute cartoon characters on a wall,
animated, that were just too adorable,
so I had to ask Ra to turn them down.
Back when I worked with Ra it was beautiful.
Sometimes scary, but mostly beautiful.

And I'll never forget the unconditional love I felt
once in my heart that made me cry.
I simply felt unworthy.
And once I merged partly with God in a dream.
That was blissful.

When I had experience of going up through the 8th subdensity with Ra,
it rocked my world. But there was a stillness of the One Original Thought at the top. Coming back down was easier. When I peeked into the previous octave it shaked my world.

I once asked Ra to please kill me, bring me back home. And they showed me the sun. It was beautiful. I felt like I was inside it in 6th density. I could feel my distortions there, or so I think they were distortions.
I've also asked my higher self to kill me numerous times. But life is precious, and I have reason for being here.

[reeay]

How may we anchor that love here on 3D?

[AnthroHeart]

How may we anchor that love here on 3D?

Maybe by not pondering death so much.
And remembering our blessings.
And being thankful.
The usual stuff.

[reeay]

I've thought of death often in my lifetime, but often due to misery and just wanting to escape it... and then it hit me that it can be a symbolic need to die - like a need for resurrection or transformation.

[AnthroHeart]

Yeah, I don't think of death because I'm miserable. I think of it as the next stage of spiritual evolution.
Like many gurus who choose their time of passing.
Except I won't disappear in a flash of light like they do.
I leave my spiritual progress to my higher self.
I don't think it's a desire to escape. At least I'm fine with life.
It's that I don't think I can do much more here in 3D.
But I still have at least another 30 years to do stuff, if I live that long.

I could definitely use a transformation.
I don't feel magically adept
or really able to invoke the magical personality.
Or else I probably would have passed onto greater life.

Funny thing, when I look at my avatar, I still feel so innocent.

[Horuseus]

Don't take this the wrong way GW but are you in a relationship currently? Perhaps the inner fulfilment, focus and love that you seek is the female kind.

Unfortunately this forum, like many similar venues, enable unhealthy escapism through indulging in fantasies. This is due to various reasons, one of which is commonly to avoid coming to terms with ones emotions. While talk of higher densities, harvest and what-not can seem compelling, it is all ultimately 'out there' and has little to no bearing on ones 3D experience from a practical standpoint. There's much the Earth can offer you. Perhaps taking a break and exploring the world and it's beauty would help see things from a different perspective. At the moment I see anxiousness, a lack of fulfilment and unhappiness with current circumstances, which is somehow being reinforced by the Ra Material to justify the seeming inadequacy.

That being said, you can pretty much take any 'feel good' belief system and apply it here, so the tenets of the Ra Material bear little weighting here for what seems to be frustration that is being repressed. I would ask yourself why you feel the way you do and make a conscious practical attempt to change it, without appealing to fantastical texts which is simply aiding in anaesthetising the inner pain.

[AnthroHeart]

I think you're right Horuseus. I'm going to see about getting in touch with my friend and hanging out more.
He's an atheist, so I won't need to discuss spirituality with him.

The Ra material could be just putting a bandaid over the real issues.
This forum does offer some escapism from my troubles, because
I find most people here understanding.

I probably could use a break from Ra.

[Horuseus]

I think you're right Horuseus. I'm going to see about getting in touch with my friend and hanging out more.
He's an atheist, so I won't need to discuss spirituality with him.

That sounds awesome, it would do you good. I'm sure there are local meetups in your area for other aspects that may also interest you such as hiking. Even if it doesn't particularly seem compelling at first sight, try it out and you may come to love it. Honestly, practising 'spirituality' is less about discussing higher planes and more about actively partaking and enjoying in the 3D experience in a conscious manner. It is about 'grounding' higher principles in your life and viewing a seemingly mundane experience with the majesty that underpins it.

The Ra material could be just putting a bandaid over the real issues.

From what I read, and as an 'external' observer and a brother, this certainly seems to be the case. It also appears as though you know this already.

We've all done it, and it's a phase we go through, however the time comes where it has to stop prior to going out of control and losing touch with reality. Almost always the genesis is the lack of satisfaction as mentioned earlier, and perhaps you fear moving forward and making practical changes, however it's also the first step to truly moving forward. You will come out of it as a better person, and will ultimately be fulfilled.

This forum does offer some escapism from my troubles, because
I find most people here understanding.

Do you think this 'understanding' is perhaps because people here are not likely to criticize you for your beliefs?

While folk here mean well, that's not really understanding. True service comes from offering what that person needs, and not what they want. In this case I feel as though there's a disconnect between your needs and wants. Your wants are to cover the fear through all this higher density love and light talk, whereas your needs require you to face the dissatisfaction with honesty and work though it.

Doesn't have to be anything big. Small changes such as hanging out with friends more, taking Loki out for a walk in a nature park, taking a holiday from work and going on vacation if you're able to work around that. Taking up painting, music, or whatever floats your boat really. The key is to allow yourself to open the door to the possibility there is 'more' for you here, rather than indulging in these feel good belief systems such as the Ra Material.

I probably could use a break from Ra.

Probably . It's not 'Ra' specific either, as this can apply to any belief system or framework which enables bypassing (Pretty much everything out there). So, the key is to avoid the initial behaviour of retreating to ones shell of beliefs to numb that pain, which will only and ever become louder as I'm sure you're aware of.

If there's anything specific you're frustrated about in your life, make a thread here and list it all. I'm sure folk here can show alternate ways of looking at those situations and propose solutions that you may earnestly take on board.

[AnthroHeart]

I have two furry friends. I think I'll start with hanging out with them. Gotsta work on my people skills.

[Horuseus]

I have two furry friends. I think I'll start with hanging out with them. Gotsta work on my people skills.

Sounds great. Let us know how it works out for you man.

[AnthroHeart]

I have two furry friends. I think I'll start with hanging out with them. Gotsta work on my people skills.

Sounds great. Let us know how it works out for you man.

I'd like to pursue a relationship with one of them. Either one, I haven't decided yet. And whether they will reciprocate, I don't know. But I've known them both for years. And yes, I am gay. But if I found a woman, I wouldn't mind a platonic relationship.