Desire and Polarity

[Brittany]

I felt the desire to share my heart with you all today. I wasn't sure whether to put this here or in the "Strictly Law of One" sub-forum, so I ask the mods to feel free to move it if you feel it belongs there instead.

For a while now I've been re-reading book III of the Ra Material, and I found (or re-found) a few things that culminated in a groundbreaking realization earlier today. It was this passage that really struck me:

Thus those whose desires are shallow or transitory experience only ephemeral configurations of what might be called the magical circumstance. There is a turning point, a fulcrum which swings as the mind/body/spirit complex tunes its will to service. If this will and desire is for service-to-others the corresponding polarity will be activated.
-Book III, Session 72 (Forgive me for not digging up the actual quote.)

It sort of hit me all in an instant...why do I define myself as service-to-others? Is it because I like the Ra Material? Because I identify as being a wanderer? Because I do my best to not be a douche to other people, even when I feel like it? Is it because I believe in aliens and/or conspiracy theories or have had experiences that can't be explained in a conventional way? Is it because I advocate love as a good thing to feel, or service-to-others as a good thing to be? All of that usually comes with the brand, but none of these things make me service-to-others. They make me a seeker, but not a polarized seeker.

Yeah, I'm generally a nice person, I'll hold a door open for someone once in a while and I avoid the type of controlling, manipulative behavior that defines service-to-self. I think about love a lot, and I love a lot of people. Sometimes I feel like I love the whole universe so much that it hurts, but still, does any of that really make me service-to-others? There are plenty of people wallowing in the "sea of indifference" who could be defined as good, nice, loving people without making the slightest effort to polarize.

And effort is the key word here. At least as far as I understand it, polarizing is something that requires effort. Being a friendly person is great, but it's far from the singular focus and dedication of the will that leads one to a truly polarized and "magical" state. When one genuinely pursues a polarity, every action within their life is based upon their perception of that polarity. The entire incarnation becomes a tool of the will to reach that which is most fervently desired. That's not to say there won't be bad days and slip ups, but even those become a conscious means of reflecting, balancing, improving and climbing one step higher on the path toward the light.

I think there is a certain threshold on "the stairs" that marks a turning toward the positive polarity. There is the realization of a world of love, and the promise of all-encompassing acceptance, and that feels warm and good, and it's so easy to just stand on that threshold and bask in that love, and convince oneself that being aware of it is enough to make the grade. However, this is only the gateway to a polarized path. It's true that within this dimension our ability to reach some of the higher and more spectacular levels of knowledge and existence is limited, but there is always room to climb higher, even if only incrementally. Polarization is a state of constant movement. If one stops walking, sliding back is inevitable.

I say these things because I realized today the state of complacency I've fallen into. I've defined myself as service-to-others and allowed myself to be satisfied with that. I often go on an ego trip over how "awakened" I am compared to those who seem to enjoy being completely ignorant of what's happening in the world around them, but just because I've gained the wisdom to perceive a higher reality doesn't grant me entrance through its gates.

For most of my life I have been rather self-absorbed. In a way this is a good thing, because I spend a lot of time trying to figure myself out-to find the roots of my own desires and motivations. In the "Know the self, accept the self, become the Creator" formula, I've dedicated a great deal of time to knowing/understanding myself. However, I often become so caught up in the subtle nuances of my own thoughts that I'm completely distracted from offering service to anyone. I reflect on myself plenty, but I realize now that that reflection has long ceased to be framed with the desire for service, dissolving into irritable nitpicking. I find myself apathetic and bored, and constantly feeling as if something is missing in my life, and I realize now that what is missing is the uncompromising, fervent desire to walk the path I have chosen.

Yes, there are plenty of things I do that could be counted as service-to-others, but usually only when the opportunity falls into my lap and I'm feeling good, and even there's no guarantee my heart is in it. Quite often I've found myself feeling very grudging when giving readings or counseling, or even just doing basic things for other people, because it infringes on my own comfort somehow. I go through the motions because I feel like serving is something I'm "supposed" to do, but I lack the desire, and I'm not fully, consciously aware of what I am doing and why, what does it count for? Even those on the negative path will do things for others if it benefits them in some way. The action itself does not define the service, but the intent behind the action.

I've been tired these past few years, and generally melancholic in disposition. At some point my fire went out and I didn't realize it. That isn't to say I've made no progress at all. Compared to where I was just a year ago I feel like I've taken huge steps in getting to the bottom of some of my more prevalent and stubborn distortions, and in balancing my overall state. I'm actually quite proud of myself in how many personal mountains I've managed to move in such a short span of time. Yet from this new viewpoint, all of that was only ground work. Saying "I've improved" does not make me harvestable. I prefer to not judge harvestabiity by percentages, but in this case I'd say one could go from 49% STO to 50% STO- a notable improvement- and still fall short of the 51% mark. And even if 51 is reached, why not more? Is thinking "I'm serving just enough to make it" really the type of thought held by a polarized individual?

I'm not trying to deprecate myself. If anything, a lack of self-trust and self-acceptance has been the prime contributor to nearly every other stumbling block I've encountered. Having this realization has brought me great joy, because it offers me the chance to move farther after feeling stagnant for some time. I don't want to spend a bunch of time downing myself for not being father up the stairs, as I've already climbed quite a distance.

What I do want to do is to redouble my will and turn all that attention I give myself towards wholeheartedly following the path that I have chosen- to use my perception of my own being to dedicate myself to something greater. I want to be a transparent lens for that light to shine through- an extension of the will of the purest white light that is the Creator's love. I want that love to shine through my eyes onto everyone I meet, and to make my very presence a service because I lighten the vibration of my environment. I want every moment, and every thought, word and action to reflect my choice to represent the Light.

I realize that I will likely fall short of this goal time and again, but I will still pursue it as my highest desire. With every mistake, I want my will to only get stronger and brighter as I learn more and more ways to make myself less and less distorted. I want even my bad days and my mistakes to reflect the Creator's love and acceptance, by accepting and loving myself enough to joyfully learn from them and move on. I realize I can't do everything. I can't help everyone in the way I would like to help them, but I want to do my very best- to do what I can with what I have, 100%. If I'm positive, I want to get more positive. I want to climb higher and higher still. I want my service to be pure and genuine, not something I do out of a sense of obligation.

Simply realizing this- simply having this window into myself open up from re-reading something I've read tons of times before- I am so thankful for that. I feel like for the first time in ages my fire is going again, and being service-to-others actually means something to me.

I feel like the sharing of our inner-most selves with each other is an integral part of the forming of a memory complex, and so I just wanted to share this bit of my insides today.

[Spaced]

Thanks for posting this Lynn! I have been thinking a lot about this subject so it's nice to see someone else put it into words

[Brittany]

That's the Storyteller's job, no?

[BrownEye]

Your writings are a huge service although you might not know it. I have seen a lot of my personal growth mirror the experiences that you have written. That can be validation of a sort for many. Validations allow us to move past doubts and into new questions. Helping people move forwards in other words.

While you might think that you are not "out doing service" I can assure you that you have done service, and as long as your words remain you continue to do service. Your polarity is measurable as well, and though you may not be aware of it now, you are exactly where you want to be. Takes a while for the physical grey matter to catch up i'm sure you know.

[Spaced]

That's the Storyteller's job, no?

Aye. I think I'm in the process of becoming a storyteller myself, I just need to figure out how to tame the words floating around in my dome

[Brittany]

These words followed shortly after making this post:

There is no way you can be undeserving or unworthy of the Light. You are *made* of the Light. It is your original and true form. All other things are mere crystallizations of this Light. Reach deep into your core, to the true state of your being, and you will find that you are always free, capable and worthy.

And Spaced, I find the words come easiest when I just let them flow out, without really thinking about what I'm saying.

[Lorna]

What a beautiful post Lynn, so powerful it prompted me to visit here to post after seeing it on Facebook. I love the reply you received and I would concur with it.

You are perfect already, your default position is sto already, you give service without being aware of it already, and you used my favourite word - transparent.

You came here to share your light and your unique energy and you touch other entities in ways you cannot possibly know.

All that you can ever do here is to be yourself completely and truthfully. 'trying' to be 'more' service orientated is a move away from being 100% yourself, imo. Being aware of your light, your energy, your power and how it impacts on other entities around you will naturally lead to polarisation. Know thyself, accept thyself - these are the most difficult things that any entity can do in this 3d experience - striving for honesty with self, acceptance of self and then offering transparency of self in interactions with other entities - that is sto, what more could you possibly offer to anyone than your whole, transparent, vulnerable, perfect self?

Your words are very clearly a service, you have a uniquely insightful, honest and and thoughtful writing style that is humbling to read. I would urge you to consider gathering your writings relating to your spiritual searching and collating it into a book. I'm sure that many, many people would find your journey thought provoking and inspiring.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. Be gentle with yourself x

[AnthroHeart]

Brittany, I appreciate your heartfelt post. I can understand how it feels, as that's how I feel too, not knowing if I'm serving or how I'm serving by being here. Not having desire to go out and physically serve. I'm out on disability from work, and all I've been motivated to do is sit around and not do much of anything. I don't even meditate. When I was meditating, I wasn't getting too much out of it, but there were times when I felt more at peace. Now I have a restless heart that wants to do right. I've done wrong in the past, and now I just want to do right. Not be punished for what I did wrong and have learned from. But polarity is always something that's on my mind. I don't want to get to the end of this life and find out I didn't make the grade. That would royally blow. But I also don't want to be selfish about why I want to polarize and make the grade. I hope it's not selfish to want to make 4D.

[Brittany]

I suppose endless discussion could be had on the "being vs. doing" conundrum. On one hand, I can't imagine a complete lack of discipline and focus leading to anything but stagnation. The lack of movement and progress due to complacency is supposedly why free will was granted in the first place. On the other hand, stifling any portion of the self in an attempt to "be something better" does not seem to be a productive way to do, well...anything positive. The free expression of the self and the crystallization of the will continually interplay with one another, and finding the balance is a real adventure to say the least.

Based on what I've learned so far, I think the most appropriate course of action is to constantly be aware of the motives behind one's desires and behaviors, continually discerning which thoughts and actions are aligned with one's highest ideal, and shedding old habits and thought patterns as they outgrow their use. The problem seems to come not with the act of change itself (I don't think it's even possible to perpetually stay the same), but in the guilt felt over past behaviors, coupled with a present sense of inadequacy, as if the current self just isn't good enough. We look toward some imagined "perfect" future self we want to become instead of embracing all the opportunity we face in this exact moment of our existence.

Errors are, in fact, worth rejoicing over, because they reflect opportunities to grow and mature that may have gone unnoticed otherwise, yet so often my pride causes me to become consumed with shame every time I fail to live up to my own unreasonably high standards, and I find myself wallowing instead of applying what I've learned. I think this is one of the most important facets of self acceptance- accepting the self even in the realization that an error has been made, and that a change of behavior is necessary. Accepting the parts that are flawed and distorted and cloaked in shadow is the key in repairing the cracks and smoothing the distortion.

So basically, the song gradually changes, and perhaps gets smoother and more complex as the sonata progresses, yet the notes at the beginning of the song aren't seen as worthless just because they aren't the same notes at the end. It's all music, and with the right ears, it's all beautiful. I want those ears.

---

I'm still having trouble getting out what I really want to say. It feels like for the first time in ages I can stand here as myself, and be aware of myself, and instead of trying to add new things onto that self, I can just let more and more of what was always inside shine through. I can look at the future and see not a far-distant goal of perfection, but a path that glows beautifully all the way upward; a path I can't wait to enjoy every step of, recording every moment in my spiritual sketch book as the beautiful, crystallized thing it is. The joy is in walking the path, and finally the path doesn't seem like a burden, but a wonder. A dozen gateways just opened in front of me because I'm finally ready to let go of my security blanket, and I actually *want* to walk through them.

[Lycen]

Ravel - Daphnis et Chloé, Suite n°2 (Seiji Ozawa)

[Ruth]

Brittany Lynn - I'm so pleased and happy for you!

[native]

Thanks for sharing your insides. I've come to a lot of the same conclusions, and I've found that the resistance of the edge is related to service itself and being comfortable.

"If the entity is polarized towards service to others, analysis properly proceeds along the lines of consideration of which path offers the most opportunity for service to others.

For the negatively polarized entity the antithesis is the case.

For the unpolarized entity the considerations are random and most likely in the direction of the distortion towards comfort."

The world is quite hopeless, and it will never change in any significant way unless people change themselves, which isn't happening anytime soon. Ra even seems to have gone through that lesson, where they're now in a position to realize that illuminating three or four is an "extremely ample reward." So I think the biggest question we face is how to serve and in what capacity. I think if we set our intentions on service, the opportunities will come to us. It's the easiest way to serve, and the balancing work we've done up to this point is for the purpose of being reliable in such a situation. Then further balancing is related to whether or not a certain service is appropriate in relation to over-extending the self, or non-acceptance of limits.

Recently I was given an opportunity, and I found myself attempting to guide this person on how they should have done this or that, and this is what they need to do now etc. But what this person simply needs is help, not guidance. I resisted and also validated my thoughts because I wanted to remain comfortable. I think the important part to realize is that these feelings of wanting to be comfortable come from the idea that we're not getting anything out of the situation. The mind is telling itself "By moving outside of my comfort zone, this doesn't benefit me."..it's an expectation of return, a resistance towards giving. So I'm going to sacrifice my comfort and try a certain approach even if it may seem foolish, but that is the choice I've decided to make. I'll elaborate by saying that there is foolishness involved because certain things could complicate the situation, but I have faith that that won't happen. A lot of my justifications for not getting involved had to do with worrying about the future, but I realized the folly of the absence of will, and so I've chosen to serve in the present.

All acts of service can be viewed sacramentally, and in that light are great deeds because of their symbolic giving nature.

[Brittany]

Great replies, everyone. Thanks for your thoughts.

[abstrktion]

It is easy for people to simply spend all their time thinking about and analyzing themselves and not doing anything for others. Ego fear and laziness can keep us from moving outside ourselves; we make up excuses and come up with rationales. On the other hand, Ra does point out that fragile entities may achieve greater balance in 43.8. ( sorry, couldn't get the copy-paste to function ).

[Oldern]

What a wonderful post. It is going to sound egoistic, hah, but I needed this! Thank you

[Phoenix]

It is lucky I didn't check this the first time I saw it, because I had a realisation yesterday that allowed this to really fit in.

I realised that all the work I had been doing had been getting rid of negative things. Sugary foods, caffeine, alcohol etc. But now I need to motivate forward to the positive. And use my strength of will to do what I want to do. (And not stress the occasional lapse.)

This really fits in. Although I'm going to temper my increases in polarity so as not to overload myself as my last post on my blog talked about. There is a saying I once heard probably from a film that I think applies: 'To know the face of god is to know madness.'