my awakening

[space cat]

hello everyone.

first, I'd like you to excuse my errors on language as I am not a native English speaker.

I come from a muslim society but I do not own any religion. I was an atheist for a long time even though I have always been thinking about existence and it's reasons. I still don't own any religion but now I believe in, maybe beyond that, know the Creator, The One, The All. I am aware that I do not belong to this planet for almost 2 years. a chain of incidents made me "learn" and then "understand" about it. and now I know that I am a "wanderer" as I found this website and started reading Law of One. sigh. this is gonna be a long one.

I read some of wanderer stories on this web site (and I aim to read all of them) and noticed that there are so many common things in between them, including mine. I always felt different too. however, I have never been a shy and introvert person. on the contrary I have always been pretty social, loving and considered as joyful and happy by others.

though I have a charming character and I can entertain and make people around me laugh easily, since my teenager years, (I am 32 now) I have always been suffering inside at my alone times. later I would call that feeling "weltschmerz" as I could observe and define. I always had and still have friends (life checked some of them tho) but there has been this feeling of loneliness and depression going inside of me that I could never get rid of. I withdrawned from everybody from time to time, and got back when I 'temporarily' felt healed. and luckily I got accepted back every time by my loved ones.

I must say that I am very lucky about having a good number of loved ones, however, I was, and am still constantly dissappointed by people, friends, lovers,family members.. now I am thinking that it's because I am an alien to this worlds understandings and I don't fit in. I mostly live in the fantasy world because it is much more beautiful and I am never fully here. I try to learn from life lessons, but I am still very naive most of the times, thus, also very vulnerable. (but if you knew me you could have the illusion of I am the strongest!)

I had 3 big serious depressions. but my weltschmerz has been always with me in different levels all the time. I will not enter the details of first two. they happened because of mostly personal reasons.(feeling of alienation and not fitting this world accompanied of course). but the last one happened in 2012 summer, was the enlightening one. I could never describe the reason of that depression that time, but the strongest feelings and thoughts I've had were "I don't belong here", "I am not with the people I should be with", "I am not interested in anything that this world offers me", "I don't know what would make me happy", "I don't know where I want to be","I don't want anything" etc. and this strong feeling of loneliness and emptiness no one in my life could ever fill.. I seriously wished to go insane and to have an imaginary friend who would totally understand me. in my mind, I was in peaceful places, with beautiful people (who I don't know in real life) but present world was full of agony for me because there was NOTHING for me here. and I couldn't share this pain to anybody because I believed nobody would understand. suffering like this a for few months, I finally got relief because I decided to leave this world. far from usual, I always appreciated death, and the idea of all this going to come to an end one day. death always comforted me, and dying always seemed like going to a vacation to a very far place with one way ticket by myself. so I embraced the idea of killing myself and planned everything. I was going to swallow some cyanide and it was going to be quick, clean, and definite. I started to search some pesticide shops online to find the right substance. but before, I was going to get all my saving from the bank and put it in my sister's drawer or give them to my mom. but something, I don't know what, made me tell what I plan to do to my mom. and she got devastated of course. she is a very witty person, and found out that I can't be helped by conventional therapies or healing ways, so she asked for help to my aunt, who has a bio-healer- psychic friend. (I must tell that my mom considers herself as a very rational person and finds these kind of spiritual stuff ridiculous) I accepted to have a session with her, not that I believed she could save me, but because I always have been curious and interested in these kind of spiritual and mystical things. we talked about my depression, she scanned me and gave me some energy and told me that I am not from this planet and that's where that feeling of not belonging here comes from. she told me that I am a very old soul, but got stuck and lost in this world. I am not sure if she read Law of One but she is from Sai Baba community in Istanbul. we had a long chat. she has an amazing life story and what she told me about everything, how aliens visited her, how there are different lives in other planets, how she begged god to give her a gift so she can take some burden from god and then she became a healer.. WOW. I was skeptical of course, when I first heard about the things she told me. because what she was telling me was very new for me, stranger than fiction, but on the other hand I was amazed, and believed her with my mystical and spiritual side. she was my first eye opener. we had few energy sessions. it really worked. and she also told me that to suicide is forbidden and causes bad karma and I really changed my mind after her.

I did not immediately become a believer but this is how incidents started. I started to become more spiritual and started to develop a curiosity about existence philosophies, esoteric beliefs. I started yoga, and some beginner level meditation. but those things were not the center of my life. until I met a person, a colleague where I started working since August. (I am from Istanbul and found an architecture job in Moscow and moved here a few months ago. now I know the reason I am here is to meet her!) she is a very different, cynical, sarcastic person but also has this attractive personality. one of our conversations we started to talk about our past lives and she told me she is from another planet too! and now I know that she is my catalyst. after having some chats with her I got back to 'these' issues. and when I was reading about hermeticisism on the internet, I came across llresearch web site and Law of One book. I still haven't finish it, but I am almost sure that I am a wanderer from 5th density. I learned and discovered about myself for the past 1 week more than I have ever learned about in my whole life.That book is one of the biggest services for humanity and I can't believe it is so unheard. I really appreciate llresearch and all contributors. I will write here again as I discover more and learn more about myself and universe. It feels so good to know that I am not alone. I am full of life than ever, and can't wait to see what is next.


by the way, I also want to share something happened to me at my early twenties (I really can't remember what year was it but app. in 2003). I was sleeping at night, and woke up with a buzzing sound in my ears, almost in my brain. that buzzing sound was very much like the beginning of Nirvana's song, Breed. ridiculous but I even started to play guitars and drums from my mind, as I wanted to continue the song. but that buzzing sound was not so short. it lasted a lot of seconds then I realized I am not remembering a song in my sleep, something is literally happening to me. couldn't understand what, and as I panicked, something worse started happening. I started to shake with my bed and thought we are having an earthquake. I was so very scared, couldn't move, and both buzzing sound and shaking faded away and stopped after like 30 seconds or so. then I saw a presence in my room, looked like an old lady. and then she disappeared too, without doing or saying anything to me. a few days ago when I was scrolling down the wanderer stories in this website, I found out that it happened to another person too. and I shared this to my catalyst colleague here in Moscow. she told me that same thing happened to her psychic friend and it is an 'upgrade'. and she congratulated me :D

Thank you very much for reading my story. It's so good to know that I am not alone and I am understood. I am in peace since I discovered all about these. and hopefully, I will continue to learn and discover more.

Love and peace.

[Plenum]

thanks for sharing your story space cat!

it was very heartfelt and genuine.

I came across llresearch web site and Law of One book. I still haven't finish it, but I am almost sure that I am a wanderer from 5th density. I learned and discovered about myself for the past 1 week more than I have ever learned about in my whole life.That book is one of the biggest services for humanity and I can't believe it is so unheard. I really appreciate llresearch and all contributors. I will write here again as I discover more and learn more about myself and universe. It feels so good to know that I am not alone. I am full of life than ever, and can't wait to see what is next.

I think everyone on these forums has been in that place. When we first come across a distilled and pure truth, something that we recognise to be very accurate in describing the Illusion within which we in, and that we are attempting to learn from and be of service to.

until I met a person, a colleague where I started working since August. (I am from Istanbul and found an architecture job in Moscow and moved here a few months ago. now I know the reason I am here was to meet her!) she is a very different, cynical, sarcastic person but also has this attractive personality. one of our conversations we started to talk about our past lives and she told me she is from another planet too! and now I know that she is my catalyst. after having some chats with her I got back to 'these' issues

that's really beautiful. Just another confirmation that we come across the right people at the right time, and that we are able to offer 'triggers' or catalyst to each other.

I've had a few encounters like this in my life, and each of them is very special, and so deeply appreciated.

- -

thanks again for sharing your story. It was a delight to read

Plenum

[space cat]

Thank you very much for reading my story, and thanks for the love and sympathy. it feels really good to be understood and to know that there are people out there who I can share :)

[sunnysideup]

Welcome space cat, and thank you for sharing your heartfelt story.
I recognize the feelings of emptiness and sorrow, for these emotions have clouded my mind far to many times in my life.

It's so good to know that I am not alone and I am understood. I am in peace since I discovered all about these

It sounds like you have been in a dark place and I'm glad to hear you have found light and a peaceful state of mind.
1Love

[space cat]

Thank you very much sunnysideup, I feel really welcome. being a wanderer has been both like a gift and a curse at the same time. but yes, I am on the brighter side since my awakening has started. just like your nick name, sunny side up! :)

[Spaced]

Thanks for sharing your story space cat, and welcome!

[isis]

THX FOR SHARING, ZIGGY STARDUST!!!!!!! (i still think u're steve, no matter what u say...haha, jk)

i had a shaking thing happen to me once when i was in my early twenties too. i was in bed when it happened to me too but my bed didn't shake. & i didn't hear any buzzing i don't think. for me it felt like an EMS device was on my entire body. i tried to get the shaking to stop then i heard "we're trying to help u" so i let it continue until i passed out - or either just fell back to sleep

[space cat]

Thank you Spaced :)
Thank you isis :)

isis, if we are All and All is One, therefore I am Steve haha :D
wow I have so many questions about your shaking experience! were you already "awakened" when you had that shaking? or was it something like a trigger for you? did you freak out? what kind of a voice was it? like an inner voice in your head or a physical one?

---

because when I had that experience I had no idea what it was.. I thought about it a lot, but just found out it is a message and it is something that happens to wanderers...

[isis]

Thank you Spaced
Thank you isis

isis, if we are All and All is One, therefore I am Steve haha
wow I have so many questions about your shaking experience! were you already "awakened" when you had that shaking? or was it something like a trigger for you? did you freak out? what kind of a voice was it? like an inner voice in your head or a physical one?

---

because when I had that experience I had no idea what it was.. I thought about it a lot, but just found out it is a message and it is something that happens to wanderers...

the shaking woke me up shortly after i had fallen asleep & it freaked me out bc i thought i was having a weird kind of seizure

the message came as if it was just a thought of mine (but i knew it wasn't) & so it was voiceless...so i didn't exactly hear the message - i just received it. u kno what i mean?

[AnthroHeart]

I've never had shaking, but once I heard footsteps like they were on hard ground, when we have carpet. It sounded like high heels walking towards my room.

[space cat]

I've never had shaking, but once I heard footsteps like they were on hard ground, when we have carpet. It sounded like high heels walking towards my room.

Gemini Wolf,
thanks for your comment. I've had countless experiences like feeling presences in my room, mostly when I was awake but just before fall I sleep, or during the times I woke up in the middle of my sleep. footsteps, a dropping coin, rustling of a plastic bag etc... and heard gibberish talks from time to time, but that happened when I was half asleep. I really freaked out every time, and turned on the lights and couldn't go back sleeping for some time. but I could never decide if I was having a paranormal experience or they were just my imagination or games of my tired brain. I am still not sure what they were, real or imaginary things. but maybe I should review those experiences again.

[Fastidious Emanations]

thanks for posting brother

[space cat]

thanks for posting brother

thanks for reading.
sister by the way :)

[Fastidious Emanations]

ahaha that is a matter of interpretation we suppose

[third-density-being]

Hello Space cat

Thank You for Sharing your story. What You wrote about your Aunt touched me deeply. How She must Love Creator to "(..)how she begged god to give her a gift so she can take some burden from god(..)".
As my approach is strongly intelectual I keep realising lately that I lack greatly Love to Creator himself. I think its because I cannot "imagine" him as One. I uderstand Creator as evertying I see/experience and I'm not sure how to Love All, yet.

It was a Pleasure to read your Story. When I read what You felt when You met "The Law of One" and its Teachings, it was as if You were describing mine feelings; I saw myslef in your Words. Amazing feeling.

---

and she also told me that to suicide is forbidden and causes bad karma and I really changed my mind after her.

- and of course this part. I hate to admit, that I had moments in my past, when I was close to do such monstrous thing. "Suicide is Forbidden" is knowledge that should be known to All. When all fails, and even if You waste all of your catalysts (at least in your opinion/understanding) and You cannot see any Hope or even tinies chances for it - your BASIC Honor/Duty is to BE. Be HERE and NOW. What You are experiencing is what You need to progress.

RA said, that in case of suicide Being after physical death must first heal, than Understand and after that prepare set of new catalysts to be able to undergo this Lesson again.
I think it's most likely, that if You are seriously thinking of suicide and You are REALLY prepare to do that - that this is Your next/one-of-many Lesson/Life in which You are experiences planned catalyst of resolving such configurations of experiences/feelings which does not lead to removing your Self from this reality/density.

Once again Thank You for Sharing.

Take Care

[Nicholas]

Hi space cat.

I shed tears 3 times while reading your story. When I was suicidal it came about because I was in such inner pain at the harm I felt I had created. I did not know what 'peace' felt like until my thoughts of walking into the ocean and breathing in the water gave me a great calming effect. All of the tension left me at the idea of this way out and I discovered 'peace' for the first time!

I understand the depression you have shared here and send a loving hug.

Your joyful personality resonates with me as well

It the context of Wanderers though I feel I am a puppy here amongst 5th and 6th density brothers and sisters. (I believe I am 4th, nearing 5th)

Thank you for sharing your story brother!

Peace and Love,

nio (nick)

[isis]

Thank you for sharing your story brother!

sister by the way

[Nicholas]

Thank you for sharing your story brother!

sister by the way

Oh dear how do I crawl out of this hole?
I know!

"The simplest example of this is the understanding that each biological male is female; each biological female is male." - Ra (session 5, Question 2)

My apologies sister

[space cat]

dear everyone, apologies for the late reply, I was on vacation and didn't really spend a lot of time on the internet. thank you very much for reading my story and sharing my feeings and thoughts.

Thank You for Sharing your story. What You wrote about your Aunt touched me deeply. How She must Love Creator to "(..)how she begged god to give her a gift so she can take some burden from god(..)".
As my approach is strongly intelectual I keep realising lately that I lack greatly Love to Creator himself. I think its because I cannot "imagine" him as One. I uderstand Creator as evertying I see/experience and I'm not sure how to Love All, yet.

third-density-being,
I know very well what you mean, I feel the same way with you. when I was little, I assumed God as not like The All, on the contrary, as seperate being. I was told and "thought" to love him but I really didn't know how to do that. and when I tried to love god, I used to think "but I love mom more than you" haha. and I became atheist when I was a teenager. but now, as I wrote in my story

I still don't own any religion but now I believe in, maybe beyond that, know the Creator, The One, The All.

I recognize the creator as the All now, however I am not able to love all and don't know how to do that either, (yet). but this is the very beginning of this journey and I am hoping to achieve that state one day (btw she is my aunt's friend but this is a very insignificant detail)

Thank you for sharing your story brother!

sister by the way

Oh dear how do I crawl out of this hole?
I know!

"The simplest example of this is the understanding that each biological male is female; each biological female is male." - Ra (session 5, Question 2)

My apologies sister

nio!
hahah no worries about bro/sister thing! thank you for your loving hug, you made me very sentimental with your message and I really felt your hug by heart. I am happy that you considered me as a joyful person and it also made me happy to read that you think my personality resonates with yours I am here to give and share, and always open for friendships. I find so many common things between me and people here-as I have never found with someone else before. I feel very blessed and lucky

once again, I thank all of you.
love & peace & big warm hug

[BlatzAdict]

Your lonely demeanor is just like me. I want to say that i am filled once again with even more love inside my heart finding and seeing another like me. I am 31. I finished Law of One quite some time ago. Ra says most of us are from sixth. I would imagine you also to be so. I tend to ponder the intricacies and equalities of the light and dark to see how they are equal and how they are one.

I would say you are also sixth. I once went to a meet up for the seth material. Ra says seth is fifth and these guys are just talking about sychronicity not understanding the sixth that it is the higher self or future you. I would say ay fifth someone hasnt balanced enough wisdom to have the knowing of worthiness despite the hardships of life and opinions of the self in relation to others

---

Also i want to add i think we are all in training to be spirit guides of a sort because one does not incarnate into a life of hardship other than to gain the wisdom from such a life. From which when one has been through the worst one is able to teach or heal or whatever duty they feel called to

---

I still don't own any religion but now I believe in, maybe beyond that, know the Creator, The One, The All.

I recognize the creator as the All now, however I am not able to love all and don't know how to do that either, (yet). but this is the very beginning of this journey and I am hoping to achieve that state one day (By the way she is my aunt's friend but this is a very insignificant detail)

No it is not insignificant!


Nothing is, everything is creator everything is nothing but love.

10.14 Questioner: For general development [of the] reader of this book, could you state some of the practices or exercises to perform to produce an acceleration toward the Law of One?
Ra: I am Ra.

Exercise One. This is the most nearly centered and usable within your illusion complex. The moment contains love. That is the lesson/goal of this illusion or density. The exercise is to consciously seek that love in awareness and understanding distortions. The first attempt is the cornerstone. Upon this choosing rests the remainder of the life-experience of an entity. The second seeking of love within the moment begins the addition. The third seeking powers the second, the fourth powering or doubling the third. As with the previous type of empowerment, there will be some loss of power due to flaws within the seeking in the distortion of insincerity. However, the conscious statement of self to self of the desire to seek love is so central an act of will that, as before, the loss of power due to this friction is inconsequential.

Exercise Two. The universe is one being. When a mind/body/spirit complex views another mind/body/spirit complex, see the Creator. This is an helpful exercise.

Exercise Three. Gaze within a mirror. See the Creator.

Exercise Four. Gaze at the creation which lies about the mind/body/spirit complex of each entity. See the Creator.

The foundation or prerequisite of these exercises is a predilection towards what may be called meditation, contemplation, or prayer. With this attitude, these exercises can be processed. Without it, the data will not sink down into the roots of the tree of mind, thus enabling and ennobling the body and touching the spirit.

[space cat]

Your lonely demeanor is just like me. I want to say that i am filled once again with even more love inside my heart finding and seeing another like me. I am 31. I finished Law of One quite some time ago. Ra says most of us are from sixth. I would imagine you also to be so. I tend to ponder the intricacies and equalities of the light and dark to see how they are equal and how they are one.

I would say you are also sixth. I once went to a meet up for the seth material. Ra says seth is fifth and these guys are just talking about sychronicity not understanding the sixth that it is the higher self or future you. I would say ay fifth someone hasnt balanced enough wisdom to have the knowing of worthiness despite the hardships of life and opinions of the self in relation to others

---

BlatzAdict,
Thanks for your comments. I am still on the 3rd book and reading the Turkish translation. There are many things that I am not familiar in the book and I am reading it with google- searching and trying to have an idea about almost everything I read. that makes me a slow reader and I bear in mind that some things might have been lost in the translation or might have not been translated correctly. That's why I will also read the original one after I finish Turkish version. and then I will read the Turkish one again :) however, as I understood from the book, Ra says wanderers from sixth are mostly aloof, almost asocial, and mostly asexual. and I imagine sixth density wanderers look very "alien". I might be wrong of course, I am very new to the material. I am sure that I am not from 4th so that's how I decided I must be from 5th. I am still discovering the material and myself. maybe you are right, I can't disagree with you with my poor knowledge.

[BlatzAdict]

Your lonely demeanor is just like me. I want to say that i am filled once again with even more love inside my heart finding and seeing another like me. I am 31. I finished Law of One quite some time ago. Ra says most of us are from sixth. I would imagine you also to be so. I tend to ponder the intricacies and equalities of the light and dark to see how they are equal and how they are one.

I would say you are also sixth. I once went to a meet up for the seth material. Ra says seth is fifth and these guys are just talking about sychronicity not understanding the sixth that it is the higher self or future you. I would say ay fifth someone hasnt balanced enough wisdom to have the knowing of worthiness despite the hardships of life and opinions of the self in relation to others

---

BlatzAdict,
Thanks for your comments. I am still on the 3rd book and reading the Turkish translation. There are many things that I am not familiar in the book and I am reading it with google- searching and trying to have an idea about almost everything I read. that makes me a slow reader and I bear in mind that some things might have been lost in the translation or might have not been translated correctly. That's why I will also read the original one after I finish Turkish version. and then I will read the Turkish one again however, as I understood from the book, Ra says wanderers from sixth are mostly aloof, almost asocial, and mostly asexual. and I imagine sixth density wanderers look very "alien". I might be wrong of course, I am very new to the material. I am sure that I am not from 4th so that's how I decided I must be from 5th. I am still discovering the material and myself. maybe you are right, I can't disagree with you with my poor knowledge.

last time i checked i looked human.

but our souls are alien yes.