My struggle with the Choice, 2nd guessing.

[Brandon Gwinn]

For all my life  I've fervently and  passionately dedicated my life and soul to the highest divine truth, God if you will. At first it started with spiritual struggle, then devout Christian following, then  a eureka and some years  of searching that  led me to the Law of One and the Confederation message which has now been  my reality for over two years as an ardent student. I would say that I'm definitely service-to-others polarized - I walk in the  open heart every moment that I can, Light and Love delight me, it fulfills me to bless others and radiate the Creator's Love. I feel that I  am well balanced in Love/Wisdom and have a good deal of spiritual, inner power, and that my  chakras are for the most part well balanced as well. I know that I don't like pain, fear, or suffering- either with myself or others- which are par for the course with the negative path. The problem though is  that  even though  I know these things, part of me  is still lured by the darkness of STS, it's promise of power, the experience of greatness, looking at painful, negative karma as sweet fuel to feed the fire of hatred  and anger to burn  away  all who oppose you or stand in your way. Part  of me wants to embrace  the  Lucifer  archetype- coming so close to God and the Light, knowing Him, being one with deity, only to turn your back on it all and use  what you've gained to become  a ruler of the darkness.  Part of me wants to believe that  I  could excel in this path, just as I have in  the positive, and end my evolutionary journey through 7th density having fully experienced both paths, not just one. I don't know if I could  take the heat, but part of me wants it.

I know this is a heavy topic, and I'm in no way trying  to tempt anyone else or put a stumbling block in  anyone's path, but  this is my reality, this is honesty, this is what I'm  wrestling with right now. I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through  this or if anyone has any thoughts.

[Patrick]

If you're like me, then what you feel is the part of you that already walked the negative path to its fullest up to mid 6D where you released negative polarity in order to continue evolving.

So it's a bit of nostalgia that you are feeling. You know you would be good at it because you have already done it all.

It is common enough for those that switched in 6D to become wanderers in 3D so that they can work on some aspects of positive polarity that they just embraced.

[Ohr Ein Sof]

For all my life  I've fervently and  passionately dedicated my life and soul to the highest divine truth, God if you will. At first it started with spiritual struggle, then devout Christian following, then  a eureka and some years  of searching that  led me to the Law of One and the Confederation message which has now been  my reality for over two years as an ardent student. I would say that I'm definitely service-to-others polarized - I walk in the  open heart every moment that I can, Light and Love delight me, it fulfills me to bless others and radiate the Creator's Love. I feel that I  am well balanced in Love/Wisdom and have a good deal of spiritual, inner power, and that my  chakras are for the most part well balanced as well. I know that I don't like pain, fear, or suffering- either with myself or others- which are par for the course with the negative path. The problem though is  that  even though  I know these things, part of me  is still lured by the darkness of STS, it's promise of power, the experience of greatness, looking at painful, negative karma as sweet fuel to feed the fire of hatred  and anger to burn  away  all who oppose you or stand in your way. Part  of me wants to embrace  the  Lucifer  archetype- coming so close to God and the Light, knowing Him, being one with deity, only to turn your back on it all and use  what you've gained to become  a ruler of the darkness.  Part of me wants to believe that  I  could excel in this path, just as I have in  the positive, and end my evolutionary journey through 7th density having fully experienced both paths, not just one. I don't know if I could  take the heat, but part of me wants it.

I know this is a heavy topic, and I'm in no way trying  to tempt anyone else or put a stumbling block in  anyone's path, but  this is my reality, this is honesty, this is what I'm  wrestling with right now. I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through  this or if anyone has any thoughts.

Well, the first question that comes to me is, "why do you want or need the power that is ego fueled?"
When we look at the LHP, we are looking to obtain power supported by the illusion that one can be greater than all others (there are nuances to this but I won't get into them).
The LHP truly needs the illusion even though this path is based on it's own truth and contains truth within it but, nonetheless, it needs and depends on the illusion.
So again, why are you feeling you need power and in what areas do you feel powerless? You do not have to answer here as it can be a private conversation with yourself.

There is a time, when we know there is a power within that one could use to get anything it needs or desires and/or knock it's enemies to the ground. We are tempted to use this power in a negative way at some point in our journey. One that polarizes positively has access to the same powers as the one that is polarizes negative.
It helps to know why you are here and what you are here to do. Likewise, it is very helpful to know your desires, where it is you wish to point and concentrate the will, and who you truly are.
This is NOT uncommon for you to feel this way. It is what I would consider a temptation. Others may consider it to be something else.

[Ohr Ein Sof]

Oh, and hello Brandon!

[Brandon Gwinn]

I don't think I need the power and so far it's not really a desire I believe I have yet, just a temptation. But I can see the rationale behind the LHP. The RHP is one of innocence, and Love and Light are the default conditions of the universe and could be perceived as weakness where one's power comes from the all and is not accrued within the self directed over others. Seeing yourself as the one God who all others are to serve and living within, ordering, and increasing the illusion could be seen as rising above the boring, love-drunk norm and creating a real, unique experience. The LHP would rather see the self as all rather than the all as self, giving away "itself" to others. There's a sense of power that I believe the LHP tastes from this and that is the temptation.

[Patrick]

I remember well the pleasures of power over others and how it feels to control all aspects.

But now I figured that I am no longer willing to suffer being the victim just so I can have the pleasures of being the controller. Because that is the caveat. Since there is no one else, YOU have to play the role of the victims as well.

Of course, I did not care about that while I was walking the LHP.

But now I also remember what it is like to be the victim and I can see that the pleasures of negativity does not balance the suffering caused.

So the net outcome is suffering of the self. Since the suffering created is greater than the created pleasures.

[Diana]

I don't think there is anything uncommon about this sort of struggle. Living here in this reality is not an easy thing. Here is an excerpt from an article with some food for thought:

UNRAVELING THE VEIL
There is another approach to unraveling the mystery of who you are, where you come from, and why you are here. This approach changes the perspective from one of knowing/remembering to one of acknowledging/claiming.

Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Who do I want to be (or see myself as)?
   
2. Is the person I am (how I act in this world) the same as the person I want to be (or see myself as)?
   
3. What do I most want to do, or accomplish, in this life? How does what I most want to do in this life line up with what I am doing?
   
4. If all of my survival needs were met, and I had $10 million in the bank, how would I live my life? (In reading this question try to discard any judgments you may have regarding materialism, rich people, or mind-training such as, money is evil or doesn’t matter. The point is to rise above survival concerns which influence much of what we do in this world.)
   

Asking yourself these questions puts the responsibility squarely on you to define your life. It does not need to be validated by anything outside of you, here, now. You do not have to be told, or remember, who or what you might be beyond this existence. You can decide now, in this place of choice, what you choose to be and do here.

By choosing who you are rather than seeking remembrance or validation, you create energetic pathways for others to access, who are caught up in survival and the 3D melodrama. It is similar to synapses in the brain. If you think of this existence and mass consciousness as a giant brain, when a new synapse (a structure that permits a neuron to pass an electrical or chemical signal to another neuron) is created, it then becomes easier to travel between those two neurons again. So, another portion of that giant brain (another being here on 3D Earth) can now access that electrical path (which you forged) much more easily as it has been established.

[Dtris]

For all my life  I've fervently and  passionately dedicated my life and soul to the highest divine truth, God if you will. At first it started with spiritual struggle, then devout Christian following, then  a eureka and some years  of searching that  led me to the Law of One and the Confederation message which has now been  my reality for over two years as an ardent student. I would say that I'm definitely service-to-others polarized - I walk in the  open heart every moment that I can, Light and Love delight me, it fulfills me to bless others and radiate the Creator's Love. I feel that I  am well balanced in Love/Wisdom and have a good deal of spiritual, inner power, and that my  chakras are for the most part well balanced as well. I know that I don't like pain, fear, or suffering- either with myself or others- which are par for the course with the negative path. The problem though is  that  even though  I know these things, part of me  is still lured by the darkness of STS, it's promise of power, the experience of greatness, looking at painful, negative karma as sweet fuel to feed the fire of hatred  and anger to burn  away  all who oppose you or stand in your way. Part  of me wants to embrace  the  Lucifer  archetype- coming so close to God and the Light, knowing Him, being one with deity, only to turn your back on it all and use  what you've gained to become  a ruler of the darkness.  Part of me wants to believe that  I  could excel in this path, just as I have in  the positive, and end my evolutionary journey through 7th density having fully experienced both paths, not just one. I don't know if I could  take the heat, but part of me wants it.

I know this is a heavy topic, and I'm in no way trying  to tempt anyone else or put a stumbling block in  anyone's path, but  this is my reality, this is honesty, this is what I'm  wrestling with right now. I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through  this or if anyone has any thoughts.

Usually when we think we are alone in an experience, the opposite is true. Everyone struggles with what you described. That is the choice in a nutshell. While we can consciously attempt to make the choice one way or another, the choice is always up until the final bell, able to be changed. Not only is this the density to make the choice the first time, but it is the easiest to change your mind as well since there is a mixture of polarities naturally in 3D.

[Minyatur]

So it's a bit of nostalgia that you are feeling.

Not very long ago I had a very strong experience of living the choice so to say. I felt deeply what was forsaken if I chose the Light and it made me feel a great struggle within. I felt the potentials of experience that could be had if I chose otherwise and I quite literally just felt that I wanted to be on both ends of this duality. In the end, I still chose the Light but part of myself was quite joyful to know that the Universe is not limited to this finite self in its experience.

Like you said, I think what I experienced touched nostalgia of already knowing that path, but it did not feel in alignment with the direction I am headed as of now as a self. Then again, if I really want on a deep level to explore more deeply the STS path, this switch is always doable from higher positive densities as, like Ra said, the further an entity has polarized the more easily it may change polarity.

Somewhat reminds me of when I quit cigarettes because I became utterly dissonant with them. I felt sorrowful in my heart like I was parting with a good friend and thought to myself that maybe they'll play a similar role in another lifetime, but for now this role is over for this one incarnation.

[flofrog]

Hello Brandon, welcome here..

Ohr, that was beautiful, thank you.

I think definitely when you polarize RHP for a while, it feels always fun to envision one negative action because there is a feeling of playing a role not really yours, and I think it feels intensely creative suddenly because it is so different. As Ohr said so well, it needs and depends on the illusion.

[Black Dragon]

Who's to say you already haven't walked the negative path to completion already? All the way to 6d STS, and became basically a "Satan", a high level adversary of the light and dark master? That path is walked either by those who's circumstances lead them to believe they have no choice, or those who see the choice and enjoy the dark desires more. Neither of those sound like you. It sounds like you not only fully see and understand the choice, know you have a choice, but that you also intrinsically prefer the light more, having sampled both darkness and light and the consequences in your current incarnation. Being STO does not mean disowning your shadow at all, because that's not the STO path. the STO path is integrating it. You are already off to a good start just by acknowledging and expressing those darker attractions.

I agree with Patrick in that the net result of the STS path is more misery, both for yourself and others...who are ultimately yourself. You seem like a non-conformist type who likes a challenge. There is plenty of that for you on the positive path. Plenty of self-mastery, and more than enough "heat". It is anything but soft and boring, and the STS path isn't really all that liberating or empowering as its proponents might suggest. Trust me on that one.

[Ming the Merciful]

For all my life  I've fervently and  passionately dedicated my life and soul to the highest divine truth, God if you will. At first it started with spiritual struggle, then devout Christian following, then  a eureka and some years  of searching that  led me to the Law of One and the Confederation message which has now been  my reality for over two years as an ardent student. I would say that I'm definitely service-to-others polarized - I walk in the  open heart every moment that I can, Light and Love delight me, it fulfills me to bless others and radiate the Creator's Love. I feel that I  am well balanced in Love/Wisdom and have a good deal of spiritual, inner power, and that my  chakras are for the most part well balanced as well. I know that I don't like pain, fear, or suffering- either with myself or others- which are par for the course with the negative path. The problem though is  that  even though  I know these things, part of me  is still lured by the darkness of STS, it's promise of power, the experience of greatness, looking at painful, negative karma as sweet fuel to feed the fire of hatred  and anger to burn  away  all who oppose you or stand in your way. Part  of me wants to embrace  the  Lucifer  archetype- coming so close to God and the Light, knowing Him, being one with deity, only to turn your back on it all and use  what you've gained to become  a ruler of the darkness.  Part of me wants to believe that  I  could excel in this path, just as I have in  the positive, and end my evolutionary journey through 7th density having fully experienced both paths, not just one. I don't know if I could  take the heat, but part of me wants it.

I know this is a heavy topic, and I'm in no way trying  to tempt anyone else or put a stumbling block in  anyone's path, but  this is my reality, this is honesty, this is what I'm  wrestling with right now. I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through  this or if anyone has any thoughts.

Brandon, when I read your statement I saw myself in a mirror. I too sought the Ultimate Truth and the answer to Reality. It reflects the metaphor spoken by the Buddha. The man traveled the Earth looking for Enlightenment. Only to discover that he found it when he returned home. You will never find it by, (endlessly), searching, because the Truth is within yourself. The fact is, you already know the answer within yourself. When you stop looking, you will find it. To quote the Buddha. Stop worrying about Karma and good deeds, allow for a natural balance in every action. When you can be at peace within yourself and stop worrying about things out of your control, the Balance develops in its natural form. I have been where you are. Or in ISKCON, AS IT IS.