Rate my writing.

[Adonai One]

Be honest. Is this entertaining? Could you imagine this being a part of a decent novel? Or is it too sci-fiy? What does my writing lack? What does it need?

Much obliged.

"Of what relevance is this?" the young man hollered, slamming a stack of documents upon his desk, both echoing in unison across his vast office. The white glossy floors harshly reflected the light and the structures of the metropolis that surrounded him through his large windows, as if it were goading his purported importance and power.

"Sir, as you will see, R&D lab 17 has achieved some surprising results in their metaphysical studies. There appears to be a notable anomaly in our experimentation and..."

The young man abruptly jumped from his chair and walked around his overtly-large, neo-traditionalist desk with a ghastly stare in his eyes, nearly lunging towards the standing worker before him. Contempt and rage rose within him. He stared the technician down from his wrinkled complexion, well-groomed sideburns to the stark utilitarian white garb considered the company uniform. He glanced at his nametag:

"Hammond, it's been made clear that I don't want to hear about this religious s***! It stays in your department and goes to only those who need to know! I don't want anything to do with it."

"Mr. Gregor, we are aware of your sensibilities but this time it's different. Dianne, please bring in the prototype."

Gregor stumbled: "Whoa whoa, wait a minute. What the f*** are you bringing in my office!? Stop, please, stop!"

"Sir, she is only going to show our work. We need your recognition for next month's asset report. It's not like the high-black magic we were dealing with in last quarter. We have already quarantined and terminated that part of the building, as requested. This is merely technology. Metaphysical but technology, not demons. Dianne, please come in. Don't be concerned. Mr. Gregor is just nervous, understandably so."

A frail old woman in dated cat-eye glasses continued pushing a large steel cart into the office, with an object draped in a white heavy plastic covering on top.

Gregor began to sweat and tremble, his hands spasming: "Hammond, I can't take anymore of the shenanigans. We are supposed to be a technology company, not Hogwarts. I still have nightmares about that thing... that crawled in here."

"Sir, that was merely an artificial mass. It could never..."

"I do not give a damn! Artificial mass, free-floating dark matter, whatever. I am sick of it leaking all over the building. You said your department and projects would be properly kept in place! It's beyond me how higher-up keeps you funded! If the government recognized this religious s***, this would be considered a hostile work environment. Turn-over is currently abysmal because of you and we already have nearly over 10% of this campus in the psychiatric ward. OSHA is up our asses and we can't explain a goddamn thing!"

"Sir, just bear with me. We are improving as we go. We'll discuss this later. Dianne, please show Mr. Gregor what we have been working on."

The old woman struggled to pull down the heavy sheet while it dragged and pulled across the object underneath. A white glistening aura was gradually unveiled...

Gregor's large blue eyes suddenly became larger. His pupils dilated: "My god, Hammond, it's beautiful."

[GentleReckoning]

On a scale from 1 to intense, I'd give it a 9.

[Adonai One]

On a scale from 1 to intense, I'd give it a 9.

So boring? Heh.

[ChickenInSpace]

It's well written but it takes more than about a page to rate if this will be an interesting novella, tbh. Is a good start at least ^^.

I have a work on google docs but it's around 13-ish pages and I don't know if it'll fit here sizewise; is there a good way to share it?

[Brittany]

Rather convoluted. Too much detail can be distracting instead of informing. Most readers can easily create the scenes in their mind with only a skeleton of an environmental description. Just IMO.

[Adonai One]

Rather convoluted. Too much detail can be distracting instead of informing. Most readers can easily create the scenes in their mind with only a skeleton of an environmental description. Just IMO.

Thank you for the honesty. This will be considered in the future.

[Monica]

Rather convoluted. Too much detail can be distracting instead of informing. Most readers can easily create the scenes in their mind with only a skeleton of an environmental description. Just IMO.

I read the comments before reading the piece, and almost didn't read it, because I strongly dislike ornate details of scenery. I'm much more interested in the characters than in the scenery.

But, then I read it, and was surprised to find a lot less detail about the environment than I expected. It was only in the first few sentences. So, I'd have to respectfully disagree on this point. (Just IMO. )

I do agree, though, that it's easy to clutter a Sci-Fi novel. A good example is Connie Willis' The Doomsday Book - one of my fav books of all time, because of the last chapter; yet I almost didn't make it that far because the book was incredibly tedious...too many characters, yet none with any depth...until the end which somehow made up for it.

I found your piece intriguing enough to continue reading, were it the opening pages of a book. I have no critique of what's written; I think it's well done! I would add only the suggestion to be sure to include some insights into the characters' thoughts and emotions, as the story progresses. Strong, memorable characters are what make a good book, imo.

For example, if I think back to the books I read as a child, I still remember, quite clearly, Meg, Jo, Beth and Amy of Little Women - such strong characters that I still remember them 45 years later. Whereas, I remember enjoying A Wrinkle in Time because of the concepts presented - mind-blowing stuff for a child! - but don't remember the characters at all.

I hope you get it finished and published! I yearn for a really good metaphysical novel. Most I've read were disappointing.

[ChickenInSpace]

I'll post the first page of my writing then:

“And as such, this concludes our study on the short cultural history of the ‘alvh’ kind.” Professor Zallénen closed his book. Half full of text but a long way from finished. Of course, his was the original. Many copies had already been made, though. Some of the students, priests and magisters sitting in this very room had their own re-edited versions as studies went along. Starting out as generous, but expensive copies, these works were added to by their respective scholar or pupils. Notes correcting statements or for the next exam.
However his own book, being spread as much as is, was a far throw from finished.
“Revered professor, a question please?” a young priest from Panor, it seem. Dark, almost black in hue. Somewhat but not stark contrast to the very mixed colours of AN Arum, kingdom of AN among the Eight Kingdoms.
“Yes, go right ahead, reverend...?”
“M’remel of Plainscrossing, professor. The question I have is; if what you say is true, about how elves will partake and share knowledge...”
“Alvh, reverend M’remel.” Zallénen broke in, rather sternly.
“... I’m sorry. Yes. About how the... Alvh kind and how they acknowledge or share knowledge. This must mean that the only way to truly know how they think, feel and actually learn from them, is to live like one?”
“In essence, you are correct. However, this will not simply be a question of parading south, into the engulfing South Forest and set up camp next to the closest ‘elf’ you can see.” Zallénen rolled the display and lecturing map over their Eight Kingdoms out into focus from the side of his stage. The dragon sized map itself was oil painted canvas mounted firmly in a massive and ornate frame made out of Baram trees; huge firs towering in the northern borderlands between Kiran and Inland. It stood perhaps two man heights and had a length of four men, laying down.
“We have a rough estimate of how vast the forest is to the river thanks to our elven friends who travel the trade route downstream of the enormous South Forest River. You will note I have added the elven name to the forest, Sanath Indar, at the behest of Sisil’dath e’Romveh here. Its meaning would be ‘Forest Home’, an explanatory title but also a name for them. As Flying Axe, male of the Romveh family here would also like, in his own words, ‘to be able to understand my meaning and identity in your language as well’”.
To the left an elf held up his hand in recognition, smiling wildly. Feathers tied into his hair and a full clothing made up from practically fitted leather pieces, stringed together smartly. A clearly random applause for the far travelled alvh erupted and he stood to face it smiling.
“I can tell the rest, Professor Zallénen An’Ishdar.” the way Sisil’dath said this introduced the idea that ‘professor’ was part of his name. “To know our kind you must know yourself and be with us. That is the Natural Way. Any of you who will take the challenge of life and seek the natural way can come. I tell this because to this day, none of you has yet to come and succeed.” he turned his odd posture onto the crowd while painting with his hands to the words. “The Natural Way demands total obedience or you will die. None of us will seek harm but such is the daily trivia for us that you have yet not to survive. We, however, will still seek into your lands because you lived where we could not and look!” he threw a few leaves from somewhere on his body towards the window. “You make life where there was war from magic. Our kind is in awe.”
“It is the might of AN, dear Sisil’dath, and ANs power flows through our ruling monarchs and makes our Eight Kingdoms united by his radiance.” M’remel spoke softly and fiercly. “Some day, we hope elves will see his will too”.
Sisil’dath leapt up on a chair and turned his attention to the young priest. “I do.” he simply said.
“Ambassadorial issues aside, I think I will chose to exit my lecture hall now. I hope my recent finds have been of interest and that I live long enough to come back from my upcoming expedition to mentioned forest. However long it may take”
“An honor to have you here, sir.” a noted magister said, rising. “Well wishes and AN be with you on your journey”
The rest of the crowd rose and expressed their thanks, wishes and tokens of appreciation. Some could well come in handy for professor Zallénens journey with his funder, Lord Ehvin Ryde, all the way from the Kingdom of Kiran.

And sorry about the text looking wallish. I didn't reformat it in any way from the document >.>
Also, alpha version ^^.

[Monica]

Wow, B4 has some talent here! Two aspiring writers already, both of them quite good! Are either of you already published?

ChickenInSpace, yours too was intriguing enough to continue reading, and that is the test.

I noticed a number of typos, but that's to be expected. Here

smiling wildly

did you mean to say widely?

Your story has an unusual twist. This sentence here

“You make life where there was war from magic.

was surprising to me. I usually think of elves as the peaceful ones, living in harmony with Nature, and can no longer coexist with humans because humans have destroyed the magic, while humans are the violent ones, who create war where once there was magic. So that statement seemed odd to me, and if I were reading the book, I would hope to get clarification on that point sometime soon, for it to hold my interest.

[ChickenInSpace]

I have an enormous backstory and running story. I cannot make everything known in even a short novella but I do go throught why humans are called humans, elves are called elves and the connection to magic in general.

I meant to say the smile was a wild type of smile. I may rephrase it.

PM me with an e-mail capable of google docs if you want access to the live document which I work on when creativity calls =)

Edit: While you may recognize the nature of elves more in the continuation, they are not the masters of magic in this realm. Many races are closely tied to magic but mostly so the precursory race called Codoc by humans, Eng'hel (Skylord) by dwarves and 'the great ancestor' by elves.