04-13-2012, 05:04 AM
Hey everyone. I have only discovered the Ra material a few days ago, and now I feel compelled to share my story of awakening.
I have always known I was different. From a young age I was always very eccentric, creative, and compassionate. I have always concerned myself with the well-being and happiness of others, sometimes at my own detriment. I was virtually always smiling and had an innate ability to make people laugh in a unique way, so much so that even my very earliest teachers talked and reminisced about me for many years after I left.
One thing I have been grappling with my whole life is a deep sense of loneliness and isolation, for most people, while appreciating my spirited nature, do not understand me and often ridicule me for my wacky disposition and 'crazy' ideas. I remember in high school having a philosophical conversation with my friends regarding judgement of others. I posited that one could not judge another as being 'wrong' based on their ideas or actions, as such a judgement is based on our own ideas of right and wrong, which one has no right to impose on another (perhaps my first attempt at verbalising the Law of Free Will). I was shot down in an eruption of discontent upon saying that this extended to all people, actions and ideas (including drug users). I found this chasm between myself and others widening the more I would use philosophical inquiry as a means of satisfying my deep desire to find out 'what it's all about'. I began using philosophy as my basis for this search as I strongly associated myself with my mind, as I considered my above-average intellect my primary attribute in life.
My feelings of isolation and loneliness were perhaps mainly informed by how I fit in with my family. When I was still very young, my father became an alcoholic and was often violent and abusive, and made my upbringing very confusing and painful. There are memories that are burnt into my mind and often still haunt me. One that stands out is when I was 7/8 my father walked in the door one night, I excitedly greeted him with open arms to hug him. He then picked me up by my hair, very angrily (almost evilly) ordered me to go to bed, before throwing my head into the fridge. This made me feel as if I was unloved or unlovable, if the man who was supposed to love and protect me was the one who hurt me and berated me constantly. I first attempted suicide when I was 9 years old by jumping out my bedroom window, only to discover you probably won't die when you're only falling one story. As my mother was also subject to this abuse (perhaps to a greater extent than I) she could not handle talking with me about these experiences or offer me any support. She also had great difficulty expressing any kind of love for me. I found I could not talk to most of my friends about it, as they made it clear when I did feel safe enough to talk that they had no desire to talk of depressing things. Thus, this was a pain I endured silently and alone, and to this day I have great difficulty verbalising or letting out any kind of pain I experience, and I have extreme fear of intimacy and vulnerability. This is something I am working on, and I am very slowly in baby steps making progress.
None-the-less, during this very painful time in my life, I considered myself mostly happy. As this situation became 'normal' for me, when not at home I (to a large extent) forget about my troubles and bathed myself in the joy of the presence of others.
My first encounter with conscious spirituality was through a program my Jesuit school offered called 'Kairos'. It was here that I discovered, in a Christian context, that Love is the binding force of the cosmos, and that it was my calling to be an instrument of that Love in the world. This was also the first time I shared my painful experiences of my childhood with a small group. To my amazement I found people actually did care, and I was surprised when they told me how amazed and admiring they were of my strength, wisdom and maturity to deal with such hardship and still continue to laugh and smile. I would not call this my awakening, but that was my first taste of feeling connected in a meaningful way to the rest of existence.
This feeling of course faded over time and soon after I began searching again for answers. At university I began studying philosophy intensively under the impression that rational thought and inquiry would help me find out my place in the universe. Of course, as is the nature of thought, I slowly began finding myself trapped in an ideological web.
In 2009 I began experimenting with LSD, having researched those who talked of the spiritual and intellectual insights they had gained from it (esp. Richard Alpert, Tim Leary, Terrence McKenna). My first trip was very beneficial, and I learnt and experienced a great deal. As soon as it was finished I sat down and diligently wrote down all the insights I had that night in a short thesis I titled 'the fifth dimension'. In retrospect now, some things I wrote parallel greatly with some things mentioned in the Ra material, specifically higher dimensions, entities existing within them and a bit about time/space. I'll try attaching the document if you want to check it out.
For that year I continued taking LSD with like-minded people (mostly) with the primary purpose being discovery of self and other. Over that year I had a great many revelations about the universe and how I fit in it, about frequencies and rhythms, positive and negative as one, and I became aware of some of the paradoxes that exist.
Late that year is when the awakening happened. I took a particularly heavy dose with a very close friend of mine who at the time I trusted more than anyone, especially as he was a fellow seeker of Truth. I was going through the usual joyful 'unsane' kind of behaviour/impulses. Then, seemingly out of the blue, my friend exclaimed to me (in a bantering kind of way) "You are a drain on my existence!" At this time I was unemployed and had absolutely no income or welfare, so I relied to a great extent the kindness of others, especially hand-outs from my parents. As being a 'financial drain' was one of the main things my father berated me for, hearing this from my friend sent me into a spiral of immense shame, fear and pain. The feeling that I was unworthy of the air I breathed and the space I occupied. This continued for what seemed like an eternity, and at that point I had never longed for death more. But slowly, without my noticing it, the feeling began to drop away. My psyche could not bear the burden of all these things weighing me down. Then in an instant, some unspoken, unformed thought entered me. Then, all I knew was One. I knew that I was the One Infinite Creator, and I could feel everything around me, and it was pure bliss. Everything I had ever experienced, thought, felt and perceived all made perfect sense. I could see the pure madness that we live in on this planet all based on the idea of separation. As I understood it then, I had experienced Satori and knew I had the same understanding of Christ and Buddha, and I was free of ego and all that was left was pure clarity. And I knew in that instant moment that my divine duty was to give this to anyone and everyone I could. As an artist of many disciplines, I knew that the reason I had studied them was to use them as a powerful vehicle of this message. I also had inexplicable knowledge of the coming Harvest (although I didn't know it as 'Harvest' at this time) and that I had an important role to play in it.
I was in this state for approximately 24 hours. During this time I shared everything I could with those who were around me, but with very little success. After this, my ego came back into play and the Veil had returned, although now, while not perfect, I could articulate many principles I had learned of the nature of existence, and I knew of the many paradoxes and could solve them. After this I began studying the lectures of Alan Watts, and the Satsangs of Masters such as Osho, Mooji and Isira, and things became clearer and clearer, and I became more and more harmonious. My friends told me they felt very calm and happy around me, although they weren't quite sure why. I found it impossible to do or say anything hurtful to anyone. Even some very few people who, truth be told, annoyed me greatly (to others these people were intolerable) I still acted towards them with perfect calm and love, and even still went out of my way to do them favours. I found that I could dissolve hot conflict with just a few sentences, smiles and loving gazes.
But the best feeling for me, at this point, was that I now accepted myself for who I am and loved myself, despite my now even more pronounced chasm between myself and others in regards to vibrational frequency, and ideas on what 'the real world' is. This does still make me feel like an outsider, but this is something I now embrace. While my friends often chatter about things of no consequence, I find I can only speak if it is something that will instigate and/or contribute to other's personal/spiritual/intellectual growth. Otherwise, I only sit and listen.
In my continuing practice and search in truth, I came across the Ra material a few days ago. At first I was sceptical of the content as it was so specific, and I had not considered the existence of heavenly entities other than the One Infinite Creator; but I was compelled to continue reading as much of it resonated with me, especially talk of densities, catalyst and harvest. I came across the section on Wanderers, and I knew immediately that this described me. This gave me great joy to know that I am one of many who are here to help make this world a better place by supporting the evolution of the entities here. And I feel amazing that even passively that I am making a difference.
I have very little idea what density or Logos I originate from - but I would hazard a guess at 5th or 6th, based on my resonance with Ra's explanations of each density. I feel like my indigo energy centre is quite strong, and when I meditate that is where I feel most of the energy. I think my orange centre is somewhat blocked, but as I said I am slowly working on it.
In regards to my family, I believe this could be a (my) catalyst. Since I was young, while my father is no longer physically abusive, he remains verbally abusive to others whenever he feels any kind of frustration. I still live with them, but the entire enterprise has broken down. Not just dysfunctional, but non-functional. We are in a state where no member will talk to one another, simply stay in their rooms and keep to themselves, and everyone is very quick to anger. My father lost his job, we have no money in reserve whatsoever, the house is about to literally fall apart and it will not be long before we lose it completely when we are unable to pay the mortgage. Everyone here is extremely hurt from years of abuse and hardship, and now the only thing we know as 'family' is about to finally be destroyed. My mother invested her entire life to this family, only to now be towards the end of her life in quite ill health after a lifetime of hurt and disappointment. I feel her pain and I admire her greatly for her everlasting and perfect dedication to others, especially me and my sisters.
I know now my father has only been projecting his own pain that he cannot resolve due to his own upbringing onto the rest of us. In the depths of my heart I love him and want to help him, but because of my instinctive fear of him I find myself unable to speak any more than pleasantries.
My predicament I find myself in, in regards to catalyst is this: it is inevitable that soon in the coming weeks/months I will have to leave my family not only to allow my wounds to heal, but out of necessity to survive. I have not been able to find gainful employment other than having a handful of guitar students which doesn't give me much money. This is probably because my vibrational resonance is simply incompatible with what my father would call 'the real world'. I am unsure of what action I should take, and I am very nervous and afraid that I will not be able to survive, or more importantly that I will be unable to help with the harvest to my fullest capacity.
Even though in the scheme of things this is trivial and an illusion, I feel I need support, and perhaps you are some of the few who can understand and help me be the fullest I can be.
Thank you, if you have read this far.
My purest love to all of you.
I have always known I was different. From a young age I was always very eccentric, creative, and compassionate. I have always concerned myself with the well-being and happiness of others, sometimes at my own detriment. I was virtually always smiling and had an innate ability to make people laugh in a unique way, so much so that even my very earliest teachers talked and reminisced about me for many years after I left.
One thing I have been grappling with my whole life is a deep sense of loneliness and isolation, for most people, while appreciating my spirited nature, do not understand me and often ridicule me for my wacky disposition and 'crazy' ideas. I remember in high school having a philosophical conversation with my friends regarding judgement of others. I posited that one could not judge another as being 'wrong' based on their ideas or actions, as such a judgement is based on our own ideas of right and wrong, which one has no right to impose on another (perhaps my first attempt at verbalising the Law of Free Will). I was shot down in an eruption of discontent upon saying that this extended to all people, actions and ideas (including drug users). I found this chasm between myself and others widening the more I would use philosophical inquiry as a means of satisfying my deep desire to find out 'what it's all about'. I began using philosophy as my basis for this search as I strongly associated myself with my mind, as I considered my above-average intellect my primary attribute in life.
My feelings of isolation and loneliness were perhaps mainly informed by how I fit in with my family. When I was still very young, my father became an alcoholic and was often violent and abusive, and made my upbringing very confusing and painful. There are memories that are burnt into my mind and often still haunt me. One that stands out is when I was 7/8 my father walked in the door one night, I excitedly greeted him with open arms to hug him. He then picked me up by my hair, very angrily (almost evilly) ordered me to go to bed, before throwing my head into the fridge. This made me feel as if I was unloved or unlovable, if the man who was supposed to love and protect me was the one who hurt me and berated me constantly. I first attempted suicide when I was 9 years old by jumping out my bedroom window, only to discover you probably won't die when you're only falling one story. As my mother was also subject to this abuse (perhaps to a greater extent than I) she could not handle talking with me about these experiences or offer me any support. She also had great difficulty expressing any kind of love for me. I found I could not talk to most of my friends about it, as they made it clear when I did feel safe enough to talk that they had no desire to talk of depressing things. Thus, this was a pain I endured silently and alone, and to this day I have great difficulty verbalising or letting out any kind of pain I experience, and I have extreme fear of intimacy and vulnerability. This is something I am working on, and I am very slowly in baby steps making progress.
None-the-less, during this very painful time in my life, I considered myself mostly happy. As this situation became 'normal' for me, when not at home I (to a large extent) forget about my troubles and bathed myself in the joy of the presence of others.
My first encounter with conscious spirituality was through a program my Jesuit school offered called 'Kairos'. It was here that I discovered, in a Christian context, that Love is the binding force of the cosmos, and that it was my calling to be an instrument of that Love in the world. This was also the first time I shared my painful experiences of my childhood with a small group. To my amazement I found people actually did care, and I was surprised when they told me how amazed and admiring they were of my strength, wisdom and maturity to deal with such hardship and still continue to laugh and smile. I would not call this my awakening, but that was my first taste of feeling connected in a meaningful way to the rest of existence.
This feeling of course faded over time and soon after I began searching again for answers. At university I began studying philosophy intensively under the impression that rational thought and inquiry would help me find out my place in the universe. Of course, as is the nature of thought, I slowly began finding myself trapped in an ideological web.
In 2009 I began experimenting with LSD, having researched those who talked of the spiritual and intellectual insights they had gained from it (esp. Richard Alpert, Tim Leary, Terrence McKenna). My first trip was very beneficial, and I learnt and experienced a great deal. As soon as it was finished I sat down and diligently wrote down all the insights I had that night in a short thesis I titled 'the fifth dimension'. In retrospect now, some things I wrote parallel greatly with some things mentioned in the Ra material, specifically higher dimensions, entities existing within them and a bit about time/space. I'll try attaching the document if you want to check it out.
For that year I continued taking LSD with like-minded people (mostly) with the primary purpose being discovery of self and other. Over that year I had a great many revelations about the universe and how I fit in it, about frequencies and rhythms, positive and negative as one, and I became aware of some of the paradoxes that exist.
Late that year is when the awakening happened. I took a particularly heavy dose with a very close friend of mine who at the time I trusted more than anyone, especially as he was a fellow seeker of Truth. I was going through the usual joyful 'unsane' kind of behaviour/impulses. Then, seemingly out of the blue, my friend exclaimed to me (in a bantering kind of way) "You are a drain on my existence!" At this time I was unemployed and had absolutely no income or welfare, so I relied to a great extent the kindness of others, especially hand-outs from my parents. As being a 'financial drain' was one of the main things my father berated me for, hearing this from my friend sent me into a spiral of immense shame, fear and pain. The feeling that I was unworthy of the air I breathed and the space I occupied. This continued for what seemed like an eternity, and at that point I had never longed for death more. But slowly, without my noticing it, the feeling began to drop away. My psyche could not bear the burden of all these things weighing me down. Then in an instant, some unspoken, unformed thought entered me. Then, all I knew was One. I knew that I was the One Infinite Creator, and I could feel everything around me, and it was pure bliss. Everything I had ever experienced, thought, felt and perceived all made perfect sense. I could see the pure madness that we live in on this planet all based on the idea of separation. As I understood it then, I had experienced Satori and knew I had the same understanding of Christ and Buddha, and I was free of ego and all that was left was pure clarity. And I knew in that instant moment that my divine duty was to give this to anyone and everyone I could. As an artist of many disciplines, I knew that the reason I had studied them was to use them as a powerful vehicle of this message. I also had inexplicable knowledge of the coming Harvest (although I didn't know it as 'Harvest' at this time) and that I had an important role to play in it.
I was in this state for approximately 24 hours. During this time I shared everything I could with those who were around me, but with very little success. After this, my ego came back into play and the Veil had returned, although now, while not perfect, I could articulate many principles I had learned of the nature of existence, and I knew of the many paradoxes and could solve them. After this I began studying the lectures of Alan Watts, and the Satsangs of Masters such as Osho, Mooji and Isira, and things became clearer and clearer, and I became more and more harmonious. My friends told me they felt very calm and happy around me, although they weren't quite sure why. I found it impossible to do or say anything hurtful to anyone. Even some very few people who, truth be told, annoyed me greatly (to others these people were intolerable) I still acted towards them with perfect calm and love, and even still went out of my way to do them favours. I found that I could dissolve hot conflict with just a few sentences, smiles and loving gazes.
But the best feeling for me, at this point, was that I now accepted myself for who I am and loved myself, despite my now even more pronounced chasm between myself and others in regards to vibrational frequency, and ideas on what 'the real world' is. This does still make me feel like an outsider, but this is something I now embrace. While my friends often chatter about things of no consequence, I find I can only speak if it is something that will instigate and/or contribute to other's personal/spiritual/intellectual growth. Otherwise, I only sit and listen.
In my continuing practice and search in truth, I came across the Ra material a few days ago. At first I was sceptical of the content as it was so specific, and I had not considered the existence of heavenly entities other than the One Infinite Creator; but I was compelled to continue reading as much of it resonated with me, especially talk of densities, catalyst and harvest. I came across the section on Wanderers, and I knew immediately that this described me. This gave me great joy to know that I am one of many who are here to help make this world a better place by supporting the evolution of the entities here. And I feel amazing that even passively that I am making a difference.
I have very little idea what density or Logos I originate from - but I would hazard a guess at 5th or 6th, based on my resonance with Ra's explanations of each density. I feel like my indigo energy centre is quite strong, and when I meditate that is where I feel most of the energy. I think my orange centre is somewhat blocked, but as I said I am slowly working on it.
In regards to my family, I believe this could be a (my) catalyst. Since I was young, while my father is no longer physically abusive, he remains verbally abusive to others whenever he feels any kind of frustration. I still live with them, but the entire enterprise has broken down. Not just dysfunctional, but non-functional. We are in a state where no member will talk to one another, simply stay in their rooms and keep to themselves, and everyone is very quick to anger. My father lost his job, we have no money in reserve whatsoever, the house is about to literally fall apart and it will not be long before we lose it completely when we are unable to pay the mortgage. Everyone here is extremely hurt from years of abuse and hardship, and now the only thing we know as 'family' is about to finally be destroyed. My mother invested her entire life to this family, only to now be towards the end of her life in quite ill health after a lifetime of hurt and disappointment. I feel her pain and I admire her greatly for her everlasting and perfect dedication to others, especially me and my sisters.
I know now my father has only been projecting his own pain that he cannot resolve due to his own upbringing onto the rest of us. In the depths of my heart I love him and want to help him, but because of my instinctive fear of him I find myself unable to speak any more than pleasantries.
My predicament I find myself in, in regards to catalyst is this: it is inevitable that soon in the coming weeks/months I will have to leave my family not only to allow my wounds to heal, but out of necessity to survive. I have not been able to find gainful employment other than having a handful of guitar students which doesn't give me much money. This is probably because my vibrational resonance is simply incompatible with what my father would call 'the real world'. I am unsure of what action I should take, and I am very nervous and afraid that I will not be able to survive, or more importantly that I will be unable to help with the harvest to my fullest capacity.
Even though in the scheme of things this is trivial and an illusion, I feel I need support, and perhaps you are some of the few who can understand and help me be the fullest I can be.
Thank you, if you have read this far.
My purest love to all of you.
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