The creative process has become painful -seeking advice

[sillypumpkins]

For about 4.5 years I have enjoyed writing songs. Tbh, for a lot of that I have been sort of unambitious. That is, if it doesn't come easy to me, I sort of just forget about it. Looking back, every song that I have ever made has always involved very little willpower on my end. Any time things have felt difficult, I have simply stopped playing/writing/working altogether. 

I was talking with my friend the other day, who described her creative process to be quite the opposite, that is, all of her work involved blood, sweat, and tears. Nothing seems to come easy. It made me realize that I might be missing out on a whole different dimension of creative work.

Anyways, I have been playing a lot of other people's songs for the majority of this year. I've been busking on the street (playing covers,) which is quite easy and effortless for me. I think that's why I've stuck to that and haven't been writing or exploring new sounds on my guitar or piano. 

Here's my problem: In the past couple days, I've made a point to focus more on "working at" my guitar playing and songwriting. And honestly..... it feels horribly excruciating, painful, and quite honestly I experience thoughts of suicide in the midst of playing, and especially afterwards too. 

I feel extremely upset during and after playing. I mean..... this is something I find magical in a lot of ways, writing a song, and yet I can't help but feel so much pain during the process. I think this is perhaps where the suicidal thoughts come in, if I can't play music without feeling this way, then what's the point? Why continue living if I can't even feel joy within the creative process? That's the conclusion I come to at least.

If anyone needs more clarity in what I'm experiencing, I am happy to provide. I feel sort of muddy about the whole thing


thanks all

[IndigoSalvia]

What do you think might be at the heart of these experiences? any blockages? Is there anything there for you to further explore?

Just based on what I read, I understand creativity can come quite easily and effortlessly for you. And on the other end of the spectrum, at times, it can be difficult and laborious for you. When you experience this end of the spectrum, it leaves you feeling very sad to the point of thinking of not living.

From outside and not knowing you, I'm wondering if there's anything that might be triggering this profound sadness. What's underneath it?

As the Confederation members are fond of saying, you can take it into meditation or journaling, explore those energies - the ease and the hardship - and whatever else is discovered there that may be attached to these experiences.

sending L/L to you tonight.

[Sacred Fool]

I see it similarly to InSa.  It reads to me as if by concentrating on your own process you are first picking up on all the accumulated garbage, but, if you can clean that up, you'll find more rewarding things beneath that.  Maybe you're like an archeologist digging through an ancient latrine, searching for discarded treasures, except in your case the poop is not yet fully composted?  Maybe you've been avoiding digging through the stinkier stuff, but now is the time to do that so you can move through it to the more mentally/emotionally mature stuff?  Maybe you need to commit to the process for a time to see what emerges?  Rather than the Dark night of the Soul, maybe you're entering the Stinky Night of the Soul? (Humour intended.)

[Diana]

I, too, am a creative person. I will try and dig in here, because there is no one-size-fits-all approach.

I'll start with something Neil Young said, because it sprung to mind while reading the OP. He said his best songs took him only 5 minutes to write. He didn't say those were the only songs he finished and published however. 

I do agree with IndigoSalvia and Sacred Fool that exploration into why you have such extreme feelings rise up is worth looking into.

I get the idea that the things that flow easily have a sort of power and clarity. I think this manifests very clearly when a person is prompted to write a poem (or lyrics), and it "has to" come out—these writings seem to hit the mark in a way that goes straight to the underlying ineffable message. This doesn't necessarily make them better than the writings which challenge the writer to dig deeper, to reach in farther, to expose the aspects of self that aren't easy. Writing a novel comes to mind. There is no way that writing an entire novel will flow all the way through. There will be very difficult snags and bumps. For me that falls somewhere in the middle (the beginning is easy because I am inspired to write it; and the end is easy because it becomes like a train which has gained speed and a life of its own). But I have to work through the difficult parts to create the whole novel, which also includes a lot of left-brain editing to make the story the best it can be.

When I first started out as an illustrator, it was passion for creating super-realistic illustrations that catapulted me to success and joy in doing it. Love of it drove me and it didn't matter what challenges came up (there were many). Sometimes things flowed easily, and sometimes I had to work hard at something. One of the best projects I did was a menu, which was entirely illustrated (rather than photos). Although by that time I had become very accomplished at super-realism, that menu was a huge project—it pushed me to try harder and do better. It turned out to be one of the most beautiful things I did as an advertising illustrator and the hardest (food is not an easy thing to illustrate).

All of that said, I am not you. We all must follow our own paths and walk them the way we see fit. There is nothing wrong with an easy, flowing approach to songwriting and expressing your unique talent. I will only say that it is your unique talent and I think it is good to share it with the world while you are here. I will leave you with something Jim Morrison said:

Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.

[flofrog]

Much love to you Silly….  I am with Diana, that there’s nothing wrong at all with an easy flowing approach to songwriting. And definitely it’s good to address what is under that deep sadness. I hope there’s no negative feeling about yourself having a different approach than blood sweat and tears ?

I am really lucky as in painting or writing, I am never at a loss for new ideas or easy flow, I even dread a little the  fact that I shall not have enough physical time to couch down all of them    
There’s one interesting  thing I was told Silly in the one reading I had. My spiritual guides ( who were also making fun of me, the scamps) just said that all creativity runs on the energy of love.

It was so true, I wrote a short novel when I was younger on an old aging man, whom I named Abel, and I grew so much love for him, that sometimes seeing someone in real life I would tell myself, this is so much what Abel would do or say…. Lol

Do not over worry Silly, please…

[unity100]

You really sound like you are experiencing a burnout. It happens to a lot of people these days - especially to people who work in the creator economy. Look and see what you can do to address the burnout in your own creative area. (Ie what do songwriters do to disconnect, relax, recharge etc)

[IndigoSalvia]

https://www.llresearch.org/channeling/2006/1116

[Margan]

 

I was talking with my friend the other day, who described her creative process to be quite the opposite, that is, all of her work involved blood, sweat, and tears. Nothing seems to come easy. It made me realize that I might be missing out on a whole different dimension of creative work.

......

Here's my problem: In the past couple days, I've made a point to focus more on "working at" my guitar playing and songwriting. And honestly..... it feels horribly excruciating, painful, and quite honestly I experience thoughts of suicide in the midst of playing, and especially afterwards too. 

I feel extremely upset during and after playing. I mean..... this is something I find magical in a lot of ways, writing a song, and yet I can't help but feel so much pain during the process. I think this is perhaps where the suicidal thoughts come in, if I can't play music without feeling this way, then what's the point? Why continue living if I can't even feel joy within the creative process? That's the conclusion I come to at least.

To me, it is very interesting that you heard from how for your friend it is such hard work and you thought you might be missing out.... and then voilà all of a sudden - it turns out to be indeed hard, extremely hard and painful for you too! sounds a bit like "self-fulfilling prophecy "  - or something that your soul wants to experience, because it is exactly the opposite of how it used to be for you.
Maybe you can even use the pain and the suicidal thoughts creatively? I am thinking of so many artists who had such difficult lives and were so unhappy and created wonderful and sublime things out of that....
anyway, kudos to you for playing out there on street corners! that is very magical to me  when i think how horrible it was for me at school, in musics class, when we had to sing or play an instrument in front of everyone-
"hugs" I wish you well

[tadeus]

I feel extremely upset during and after playing. I mean..... this is something I find magical in a lot of ways, writing a song, and yet I can't help but feel so much pain during the process. I think this is perhaps where the suicidal thoughts come in, if I can't play music without feeling this way, then what's the point? Why continue living if I can't even feel joy within the creative process? That's the conclusion I come to at least.

If anyone needs more clarity in what I'm experiencing, I am happy to provide. I feel sort of muddy about the whole thing


thanks all

My talents does not express in music, but i feel the same pain in creative processes.

From my point of view the creativity is blocked by the things that are going on outside on this planet.
There is so much fear and pain outside that reach us within the group consciousness.
We can't ignore it when we have a certain  sensibility.

There are times when there are only horrible visions for the future left and fear comes up.
Then suicidal thoughts can come in or can take possess of us.
We must go into the Now und overcome it.

[flofrog]

You have a right to create Silly, no guilt about that right, instead do feel gratitude towards yourself for all you did already.

[sillypumpkins]

hey guys, sorry about the radio silence. i appreciate all your responses.

there appears to be an invisible, ongoing process that is unfolding..... struggling against it doesn't seem to help.

[flofrog]

best wishes Silly. Even erratic or complex, it's good, have faith