When does choosing love at every instant become easy and obvious?

[sjel]

When does it stop having to be conscious effort, like a chore. It's true that it is a rewarding chore, to seek the love, but I would rather just be able to let it flow through like an always open faucet. I don't need magic powers I just wanna love life unconditionally.

[Turtle]

When does it stop having to be conscious effort, like a chore. It's true that it is a rewarding chore, to seek the love, but I would rather just be able to let it flow through like an always open faucet. I don't need magic powers I just wanna love life unconditionally.

It only gets easy after you do it a lottttttttttt!

[GentleReckoning]

This requires a deep understanding of love, and wisdom. It's not a bad pursuit, but you might just want to focus on the aspect of your life that's causing you friction...

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

For me it took, I intellectually assumed, ~22 days of daily conditioning through consciously applied performance of emotional, mental, verbal, and physical reinforcements towards the choice of providing love that continually repeats over and over.

That also meant 22 days in a row I would have to meditate, but truthfully back then I still somehow managed with 2 or 3 meditations a week, I just don't recommend it after how things turned out for me...Do et daily.  A good 20+ minutes to an hour or more if you got the time and want to spend it towards yourself.

The results are exponential when consistency appears in your patterns though, so occasionally...Give yourself a juicy fresh meal that is totally not healthy.  Let your tastebuds thank me for you
Cause like sometimes saying no is the 'right' thing to do for yourself at times.  You just gotta discover when.

...Finally, some things might occur.

'Enlightenment', as I now call portions of the experience.
'Seeing With New Eyes', might result from this.
'Love in the Moment', might suddenly become physically perceived by the body.
'Bliss', might result.  Welcome to what it feels like to be 4D.

At least, from my experience that's how things sorta went in short.

I feel I should also point out. If you are of a mind like mine, you might find that the concern becomes how to constantly feel and apply love when you desire to do so without it being for the selfish reason of wanting to be harvested (to get out of 3D!)

To this I can only think to suggest that you focus on something you truly deeply love, for me it was my son...  And you can apply this conscientiously produced sensation to the current situation to help you be more passionate in your desire to be a healer.

But I also think the process and experiences are different and unique for everyone one, so be self observant, document the experience to relive as you read it over again one day in the maybe distant future.  I suggest writing, maybe with a pen and notebook

I personally suggest 5 star little fat notebooks (or however the thick but small ones are called...I'm left handed so I needed the surface area lol.)

And A Blue G2 Pilot Extra Fine Tip Pen

Writing never felt quite as satisfying as scribbling out my thoughts with one of those pen's.  Smoothest most effortless pen I've ever used.

-geeking out over a pen-

I should add, 21 days is what is considered to be the time it takes a person to BOTH make AND break habits.  The road goes both ways. Addictions and obsessions obviously require a longer time sometimes to break or make, so be patient.  You're building a foundation, not the whole structure, within yourself as you choose again and again to be loving.

You build the whole thing up over your life, but right now its just a need for a foundation and some cornerstones of reinforcing what polarity choice you desire to be, again, consistently to a point.  In this case, the foundation might be 'I choose to be of service to others', the cornerstones might be, 'because I want to genuinely make others happy', 'I need to be kind, without my kindness I'm nothing but a shallow shell of myself', 'I want to treat others the way I want to be treated', and on top of that is the distilled experiences and intuitions, learned lessons and wisdoms, the 'structure'.

Its okay to want to get away from suffering, we're designed to do so as humans, to seek the comfort of a choice, whether it is to be comfortably numb in selfishness, or blissfully joyous in love, is our eventual inevitabe outcome.

We literally live again and again, and again, trying to choose this choice over and over, and over, to become closer to something greater, almost royally grand in comparison to mundane life.

Weird how it all turned out, at least to me.  I think its a bit weird.

[Aion]

When you embrace the difficulties of life and cherish them.

[flofrog]

For me, i was lucky enough to have an exquisite mum, everyone loved her, she was often sick and would stay so kind despite, I thought it was unattainable and as a kid thought I would just be bland but never really kind. Then when I was 20 I read some lines from a buddhist book and Bam ! I was hooked, so then it was a constant trip how to feel really kind, and stay this way. then one day you realize it makes you so happy to just enjoy ups and downs . So yes

When you embrace the difficulties of life and cherish them.

so true, so true then, and then you can enjoy the free things like trees, sit in the sun and it feels so deep. the small things
I discovered Ra only like two months ago, and just fell for him and all of it.

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

When does it stop having to be conscious effort, like a chore. It's true that it is a rewarding chore, to seek the love, but I would rather just be able to let it flow through like an always open faucet. I don't need magic powers I just wanna love life unconditionally.

I think momentum is an easier and simpler visual aid for me to answer you with.

21 days of of pushing the vehicle into the downhill motion of positive polarity produces a momentum.  The push of choosing becomes effortless once the vehicle is in motion.
Maybe 21 days isn't proper to assume for most people, it's why I think around 22 days is a good beginning goal to strive towards rather than a strict guideline.  Just the most important thing is to continue daily meditations, especially in tandem with following the exercises given by Ra.

EDIT: ...I must have copied and pasted over the first quote, didn't realize 5.2 wasn't here, oops.

5.2 Questioner: We have decided to accept, if offered, the honor/duty of learning/teaching the healing process. I would ask as to the first step which we should accomplish in becoming effective healers.
Ra: I am Ra. We shall begin with the first of the three teachings/learnings.

We begin with the mental learn/teachings necessary for contact with intelligent infinity. The prerequisite of mental work is the ability to retain silence of self at a steady state when required by the self. The mind must be opened like a door. The key is silence.

Within the door lies an hierarchical construction you may liken unto geography and in some ways geometry, for the hierarchy is quite regular, bearing inner relationships.

To begin to master the concept of mental discipline it is necessary to examine the self. The polarity of your dimension must be internalized. Where you find patience within your mind you must consciously find the corresponding impatience and vice versa. Each thought that a being has, has in its turn an antithesis. The disciplines of the mind involve, first of all, identifying both those things of which you approve and those things of which you disapprove within yourself, and then balancing each and every positive and negative charge with its equal. The mind contains all things. Therefore, you must discover this completeness within yourself.

The second mental discipline is acceptance of the completeness within your consciousness. It is not for a being of polarity in the physical consciousness to pick and choose among attributes, thus building the roles that cause blockages and confusions in the already-distorted mind complex. Each acceptance smoothes part of the many distortions that the faculty you call judgment engenders.

The third discipline of the mind is a repetition of the first but with the gaze outward towards the fellow entities that it meets. In each entity there exists completeness. Thus, the ability to understand each balance is necessary. When you view patience, you are responsible for mirroring in your mental understanding, patience/impatience. When you view impatience, it is necessary for your mental configuration of understanding to be impatience/patience. We use this as a simple example. Most configurations of mind have many facets, and understanding of either self polarities, or what you would call other-self polarities, can and must be understood as subtle work.

The next step is the acceptance of the other-self polarities, which mirrors the second step.

These are the first four steps of learning mental discipline. The fifth step involves observing the geographical and geometrical relationships and ratios of the mind, the other mind, the mass mind, and the infinite mind.

The second area of learn/teaching is the study/understanding of the body complexes. It is necessary to know your body well. This is a matter of using the mind to examine how the feelings, the biases, what you would call the emotions, affect various portions of the body complex. It shall be necessary to both understand the bodily polarities and to accept them, repeating in a chemical/physical manifestation the work you have done upon the mind bethinking the consciousness.

The body is a creature of the mind’s creation. It has its biases. The biological bias must be first completely understood and then the opposite bias allowed to find full expression in understanding. Again, the process of acceptance of the body as a balanced, as well as polarized, individual may then be accomplished.

It is then the task to extend this understanding to the bodies of the other-selves whom you will meet. The simplest example of this is the understanding that each biological male is female; each biological female is male. This is a simple example. However, in almost every case wherein you are attempting the understanding of the body of self or other-self, you will again find that the most subtle discernment is necessary in order to fully grasp the polarity complexes involved.

At this time we would suggest closing the description until the next time of work so that we may devote time to the third area commensurate with its importance.

We can answer a query if it is a short one before we leave this instrument.

64.20 Questioner: In the healing exercises, when you say examine the sensations of the body, do you mean those sensations available to the body via the five senses or in relation to the natural functions of the body such as touching, loving, sexual sharing, and company, or are you speaking of something else altogether?
Ra: I am Ra. The questioner may perceive its body complex at this moment. It is experiencing sensations. Most of these sensations or in this case, nearly all of them, are transient and without interest. However, the body is the creature of the mind. Certain sensations carry importance due to the charge or power which is felt by the mind upon the experience of this sensation.

For instance, at this space/time nexus one sensation is carrying a powerful charge and may be examined. This is the sensation of what you call the distortion towards discomfort due to the cramped position of the body complex during this working. In balancing you would then explore this sensation. Why is this sensation powerful? Because it was chosen in order that the entity might be of service to others in energizing this contact.

Each sensation that leaves the aftertaste of meaning upon the mind, that leaves the taste within the memory shall be examined. These are the sensations of which we speak.

May we answer any brief queries before we leave this instrument?

And their subsequent information.

85.16 Questioner: I have a question here from Jim. It states: “I believe that one of my primary pre-incarnative choices was to open my green-ray energy center for healing purposes. As I see my compassion developing is it more appropriate to balance this compassion with wisdom in my healing exercises or to allow the compassion to develop as much as possible without being balanced?”
Ra: I am Ra. This query borders upon that type of question to which answers are unavailable due to the free-will prohibitions upon information from teach/learners.

To the student of the balancing process we may suggest that the most stringent honesty be applied. As compassion is perceived it is suggested that, in balancing, this perception be analyzed. It may take many, many essays into compassion before true universal love is the product of the attempted opening and crystallization of this all-important springboard energy center. Thus the student may discover many other components to what may seem to be all-embracing love. Each of these components may be balanced and accepted as part of the self and as transitional material as the entity’s seat of learn/teaching moves ever more fairly into the green ray.

When it is perceived that universal love has been achieved the next balancing may or may not be wisdom. If the adept is balancing manifestations it is indeed appropriate to balance universal love and wisdom. If the balancing is of mind or spirit there are many subtleties to which the adept may give careful consideration. Love and wisdom, like love and light, are not black and white, shall we say, but faces of the same coin, if you will. Therefore, it is not, in all cases, that balancing consists of a movement from compassion to wisdom.

We may suggest at all times the constant remembrance of the density from which each adept desires to move. This density learns the lessons of love. In the case of Wanderers there are half-forgotten overlays of other lessons and other densities. We shall leave these considerations with the questioner and invite observations which we shall then be most happy to respond to in what may seem to be a more effectual manner.

61.6 Questioner: I want to ask a few questions Jim had here about the healing exercises. The first is, in the healing exercise concerning the body, what do you mean by the disciplines of the body having to do with the balance between love and wisdom in the use of the body in its natural functions?
Ra: I am Ra. We shall speak more briefly than usual due to this instrument’s use of the transferred energy. We, therefore, request further queries if our reply is not sufficient.

The body complex has natural functions. Many of these have to do with the unmanifested self (( (as per 33.16 "[...]the unmanifested self; that is, the self which does not need other-self in order to manifest or act.) )) and are normally not subject to the need for balancing. There are natural functions which have to do with other-self. Among these are touching, loving, the sexual life, and those times when the company of another is craved to combat the type of loneliness which is the natural function of the body as opposed to those types of loneliness which are of the mind/emotion complex or of the spirit.

When these natural functions may be observed in the daily life they may be examined in order that the love of self and love of other-self versus the wisdom regarding the use of natural functions may be observed. There are many fantasies and stray thoughts which may be examined in most of your peoples in this balancing process.

Equally to be balanced is the withdrawal from the need for these natural functions with regard to other-self. On the one hand there is an excess of love. It must be determined whether this is love of self or other-self or both. On the other hand there is an over-balance towards wisdom.

It is well to know the body complex so that it is an ally, balanced and ready to be clearly used as a tool, for each bodily function may be used in higher and higher, if you will, complexes of energy with other-self. No matter what the behavior, the important balancing is the understanding of each interaction on this level with other-selves so that whether the balance may be love/wisdom or wisdom/love, the other-self is seen by the self in a balanced configuration and the self is thus freed for further work.

(I personally view the dichotomy of love/wisdom and wisdom/love to represent respectively positive (love/wisdom) orientation and negative (wisdom/love) orientation.)

42.13 Questioner: Can you mention some exercises for helping to increase the attention span?
Ra: I am Ra. Such exercises are common among the many mystical traditions of your entities. The visualization of a shape and color which is of personal inspirational quality to the meditator is the heart of what you would call the religious aspects of this sort of visualization.

The visualization of simple shapes and colors which have no innate inspirational quality to the entity form the basis for what you may call your magical traditions.

Whether you image the rose or the circle is not important. However, it is suggested that one or the other path towards visualization be chosen in order to exercise this faculty. This is due to the careful arrangement of shapes and colors which have been described as visualizations by those steeped in the magical tradition.

61.11 Questioner: It says here it would seem the proper balancing exercises for all the sensations of the body would be some form of inactivity such as meditation or contemplation. Is this correct?
Ra: I am Ra. This is largely incorrect. The balancing requires a meditative state in order for the work to be done. However, the balancing of sensation has to do with an analysis of the sensation with especial respect to any unbalanced leaning between the love and the wisdom or the positive and the negative. Then whatever is lacking in the balanced sensation is, as in all balancing, allowed to come into the being after the sensation is remembered and recalled in such detail as to overwhelm the senses.

This next quote is more than just supplementary, it's as important as the first ones offered above (64.20) I believe. (Edit: and 5.2)

10.14 Questioner: For general development [of the] reader of this book, could you state some of the practices or exercises to perform to produce an acceleration toward the Law of One?
Ra: I am Ra.

Exercise One. This is the most nearly centered and usable within your illusion complex. The moment contains love. That is the lesson/goal of this illusion or density. The exercise is to consciously seek that love in awareness and understanding distortions. The first attempt is the cornerstone. Upon this choosing rests the remainder of the life-experience of an entity. The second seeking of love within the moment begins the addition. The third seeking powers the second, the fourth powering or doubling the third. As with the previous type of empowerment, there will be some loss of power due to flaws within the seeking in the distortion of insincerity. However, the conscious statement of self to self of the desire to seek love is so central an act of will that, as before, the loss of power due to this friction is inconsequential.

Exercise Two. The universe is one being. When a mind/body/spirit complex views another mind/body/spirit complex, see the Creator. This is an helpful exercise.

Exercise Three. Gaze within a mirror. See the Creator.

Exercise Four. Gaze at the creation which lies about the mind/body/spirit complex of each entity. See the Creator.

The foundation or prerequisite of these exercises is a predilection towards what may be called meditation, contemplation, or prayer. With this attitude, these exercises can be processed. Without it, the data will not sink down into the roots of the tree of mind, thus enabling and ennobling the body and touching the spirit.

41.19 Questioner: Thank you. In yesterday’s, or the day before yesterday’s session, you mentioned variable speed of rotation or activity of energy centers. What did you mean by that, speed of rotation?
Ra: I am Ra. Each energy center has a wide range of rotational speed or as you may see it more clearly in relation to color, brilliance. The more strongly the will of the entity concentrates upon and refines or purifies each energy center, the more brilliant or rotationally active each energy center will be. It is not necessary for the energy centers to be activated in order in the case of the self-aware entity. Thusly entities may have extremely brilliant energy centers while being quite unbalanced in their violet-ray aspect due to lack of attention paid to the totality of experience of the entity.

The key to balance may then be seen in the unstudied, spontaneous, and honest response of entities toward experiences, thus using experience to the utmost, then applying the balancing exercises and achieving the proper attitude for the most purified spectrum of energy center manifestation in violet ray. This is why the brilliance or rotational speed of the energy centers is not considered above the balanced aspect or violet-ray manifestation of an entity in regarding harvestability; for those entities which are unbalanced, especially as to the primary rays, will not be capable of sustaining the impact of the love and light of intelligent infinity to the extent necessary for harvest.

I hope this helps you somewhat acquire an idea of a potential road you can take to achieve what you seem to desire here, the sensation of effortlessly giving love.

[Sacred Fool]

When does it stop having to be conscious effort, like a chore. It's true that it is a rewarding chore, to seek the love, but I would rather just be able to let it flow through like an always open faucet. I don't need magic powers I just wanna love life unconditionally?

What are the things which cause you to go off track instead of towards your goal?  Logically speaking, accepting and balancing and releasing these might help you answer your own query.

[Agua del Cielo]

I would like to add:

The choice will get easy and obvious in higher densities
In this density, it will remain difficult and un-obvious.
Once you mastered one challenge, the next , more difficult challenge will arise.
This will strengthen your choice-muscle very much and thats the exact reason a wanderer comes here
Imagine a plane full of love and light, everyone and everything is just love and light.
But still not quite "there", not yet "the creator".
How do you progress further in such a surrounding?
How do you strengthen your choice-for-light-muscle?
You would have much energy at your display, but a wek muscle.

How can you strengthen that muscle the best?
Imagine a density, where nothing is obvious, where nothing seems to be connected, where there is suffering, pain, difficulty and struggling.
Lets call this plane "third density".

Some might want to go there, some will try to make a choice for love and light in the face of darkness.
While suffering, while negative choice seems to be so justified and obvious, you try to choose love.
You will need a very strong choice-for-love muscle. You can exercise it intensively.

Now imagine being back at lets say 6D. With all that energy at your command.
And now you have a very strong choice-muscle.
You will be catapulted towards the creator!

[Nau7ik]

I'm not sure because I'm still working on it too. Lol. Don't look ahead, just keep finding the love and we can trust that eventually and certainly we shall open ourselves up to the light enough that we are transparent.

Upon further thought, it's our natural state of being. We are here to make that choice and to learn from the making of the choice of love. After third density after we've made the choice clearly, I think it will be significantly easier, natural and effortless.

But again we chose to come here to find the love when it's not at all obvious, in the darkness, of faith.

[Matt1]

For me its a fairly straight forward process, its mostly about awareness and power of will; if i catch a thought or an emotion before it becomes an action, i have the ability then to choose between a self serving action or one which is compassionate. This is a type of mindfulness in my experience. The cultivation of compassion has its difficulty in the overcoming or balancing of negative habits which often dictates daily interaction. Once polarity is reached i would assume that one doesn't need too cultivate compassion any longer but would rather go through a type of crystallization of the energy centers, starting from orange, yellow and into the green ray.

[Diana]

I am going to attempt to articulate my thoughts in this matter.

There are layers. It's not just a one-time decision to choose love, you practice, and then you've got it. That's only one level and it's an important one to consciously intend. There are many, many seemingly disparate yet connected things (experiences, revelations, feelings, stories, reactions, actions, and so on forever) that accumulate and coalesce, contributing to an upward expanding spiral of awareness and ability to hold more information (love, wisdom).

Even within experiences that highlight love in different situations, there are emotional reactions where real, deep, unconditional love is felt, and yet, emotional reactions are fleeting in nature. When—through experience, not just an intellectual decision (which is part of the process)—that feeling of unconditional love surfaces not as an emotional reaction, but as a deep welling up of what is, you have reached another layer.

At some point, there are no "this or that" choices necessary, because you will have become the thing you are choosing to be. You still make choices, but that deep welling up of what is, is you, and this awareness has reached your consciousness. At this nexus point there is no going back to unconsciousness. 

There are so many influences at play here in 3D; it's a rich soup of infinite experience along a great spectrum of awareness. Ultimately, you are who you are, and while we formulate intentions and envision where we want to go spiritually, I do think being in the now, the process itself, and holding the vision while accepting and finding joy now, is a key component of spiritual evolution.

One thing I would like to point out, regarding the ability to experience unconditional love, is that it doesn't mean there is no pain. Pain just shifts within one's self to a completely different place. Not a place of acceptance because you are victimized in a harsh world and you have to bear it or help others bear it out of compassion, much like Jesus suffered for the sins of others; rather, to a place where it feels like a sweet, extremely deep bruise and involves acceptance, but also unfathomable caring for all those involved with no thoughts or desires to control the situation. The feeling somehow precludes control, and inversely prevents it.

I find the paradox of letting go yet being connected interesting, and at times extremely elusive.

[sjel]

Thanks so much, Coordinate_Apotheosis. I've been mulling over everything you've said. The quotes helped ESPECIALLY.

A few questions:

1) Are you saying that for you, choosing love is at this point in your life/evolution easy for you?

2) Does desiring to give love propel me faster toward my goal? Maybe this is too tangential, but how does desire for giving love differ from desire for personal peace and inner joy?

3) I don't think I understand the significance of your 21 day suggestion. How does that differ from simply setting a goal for every day from now on, or waking up and saying "I'll do this today?"

4) There's absolutely no question that I am service-to-others, this body/mind/spirit complex I temporarily call "sjel." I feel like I have that foundation already. But where, then, does the reluctance come from? I have many experiences of giving love unconditionally to a point that I felt inner spiritually orgasmic joy. But they were all fleeting, short experiences that don't seem to be consciously repeatable. Instead, oftentimes afterwards I felt more stuck in my life, uncomfortable mentally, with a higher tendency to want to numb myself through mindless media consumption and/or alcohol/chemicals. Why the hell do I desire the lower vibration stuff immediately after high vibration experiences? This is something I do not understand at all.

5) I agree wholeheartedly that the pilot g2, extra fine point pen is far superior to all other writing instrument options. I will never again write my important thoughts and dreams with another pen. This instrument is a gift from the higher densities.

I have more questions, but I'm detoxing from fluoride (using a nascent iodine supplement) and am sleep deprived so my mind and spirit feel hazy and disconnected.

[Agua del Cielo]

Not sure if my thoughts are helpful for you or not, i'll share them anyway

I would liketo turn things around for a moment.
Please apologize, if i'm wrong, there is no offense intended!

To me it seems you do not know yourself very well, the depths of you i mean.
Your question seems to arise from that point.
You have an urge to serve.

If you investigate this, asking yourself "why do i want to serve?" Various answers might arise.
Many of these answers, if given honestly, might indicate a "hidden agenda", meaning, reason that would actually indicate you want to serve yourself.
For example " i must polarize positively in order to be harvestable"
You might want to "still" these urges first, before serving others.

"Am i in a position to give love, or am i in need?"
When you re "in need" it might be more loving to love yourself first, whatever that would mean in a situation. You might be honest about it, speaking about it openly.
That would be chosing love in my opinion.
Other selves could then give you what you need.
There would be much more love present, as opposed to you ignoring your inner needs, trying to "give love" when you just cant.
When you openly speak about what is inside of you, even ifits something like anger, youre offering the truth ofthe moment and thats where the love is.
You dont know what will happen, but most likely a process will start that can heal portions of yourself as well as others.

Is "love" only walking around with an overflowing heart and a holy smile in theface?
I think more often its honesty.
With honesty there comes openness and vulnerability. Are you ready to be vulnerable?

Creating space, where you and everyone else can justbethe way you orthey are atthe very moment, thatwould beloving for me.
Being willing to understand, your struggle and others' struggle, that would be love for me.

How could one possibly love another person if one doesnt love oneself?

What would be the "energy" you offer, when you act "lovingly" but suppress whats inside you?
Your energy offered would be "things have to be suppressed".

I think it starts with oneself. With knowing oneself. With being honest to oneself.
Love doesnt always look like love, sometimes its acceptance, sometimes its understanding, sometimes its just holding someone in ones arms, sometimes its honestly speaking out ones truth even if itsvery unpleasant.

Considering point 4) of your post, i could offer a lot regarding this, but i just realize i already did (as well as many others) in your other thread.
Probably it wasntreally usefulfor you, so i'll justphrase it very short:
The lowervibration desire wouldbe, in my opinion and frequent experience, a counterreaction of your system to your intensified practice and the higherstates you experienced.
These would be the portions of yourself you dont know yet.
I will gladly expand onthat, if your interested

[Agua del Cielo]

Considering point 4) of your post, i could offer a lot regarding this, but i just realize i already did (as well as many others) in your other thread.
Probably it wasntreally usefulfor you, so i'll justphrase it very short:
The lowervibration desire wouldbe, in my opinion and frequent experience, a counterreaction of your system to your intensified practice and the higherstates you experienced.
These would be the portions of yourself you dont know yet.
I will gladly expand onthat, if your interested

That would be a good example of how important it is to know oneself, to know about the "hidden agenda".

A while after i posted, i realized, that i was sad, a little frustrated and felt "irrelevant" because i tried to offer much help in a couple post as well as pms and you didnt respond or relate to it.
It came clearer when I realized you ask the same question I took a lot of time answering in the other thread.
whatever your reason were, the mentioned feelings arose in me and i didnt speak out honestly.

so, on one level I offered my "service" on a deeper level (at least that later portion of my post) it was actually a complaint.
This would then be the energy transferred basically.
You probably felt this.

Further, by not offering my "truth" you didnt have the opportunity to respond to my emotional reaction. If i had offered the truth of my feelings who knows what would have happened?
It would surely have been an opportunity to gain insight and to grow.
Since we probably share a an "emotional issue" here.

so here comes the more honest version:

I am a little bit sad, you didnt respond to my pm, where i offered a lot of information you asked for.
I understand to a degree, since you explained it, still there was some sadness.

i feel a bit "irrelevant" and my answer to that question in the other thread appears to be useless for you, since you asked the same question again.

these are clearly my issues and there is no more complaint attached, but I felt it would be good to share my feelings honestly, also in order to "give" an example for what i meant in the rest of my post above.
btw, i´m having this "issue" quite regularly on the forum (i guess most of us do), so, please dont take it personal

[Agua del Cielo]

To add further:

Now that i realized this, questions arise in me

Can i accept having been unconscious and unloving?
Can i forgive myself?
Can i love myself, being a flawed human being struggling on its path?
Can i respond in love now?
If not, what else is there?

I realize, when i come to a point of accepting myself as a normal human being that makes mistakes, i can open up to you also being the same.
And i can accept you just as you are at the very moment, i dont even have to understand your reasons.
I guess if i knew them i would understand.

And now i can allow the love in me to be present a little bit more easily.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to realize this!

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Thanks so much, Coordinate_Apotheosis. I've been mulling over everything you've said. The quotes helped ESPECIALLY.

A few questions:

1) Are you saying that for you, choosing love is at this point in your life/evolution easy for you?

2) Does desiring to give love propel me faster toward my goal? Maybe this is too tangential, but how does desire for giving love differ from desire for personal peace and inner joy?

3) I don't think I understand the significance of your 21 day suggestion. How does that differ from simply setting a goal for every day from now on, or waking up and saying "I'll do this today?"

4) There's absolutely no question that I am service-to-others, this body/mind/spirit complex I temporarily call "sjel." I feel like I have that foundation already. But where, then, does the reluctance come from? I have many experiences of giving love unconditionally to a point that I felt inner spiritually orgasmic joy. But they were all fleeting, short experiences that don't seem to be consciously repeatable. Instead, oftentimes afterwards I felt more stuck in my life, uncomfortable mentally, with a higher tendency to want to numb myself through mindless media consumption and/or alcohol/chemicals. Why the hell do I desire the lower vibration stuff immediately after high vibration experiences? This is something I do not understand at all.

5) I agree wholeheartedly that the pilot g2, extra fine point pen is far superior to all other writing instrument options. I will never again write my important thoughts and dreams with another pen. This instrument is a gift from the higher densities.

I have more questions, but I'm detoxing from fluoride (using a nascent iodine supplement) and am sleep deprived so my mind and spirit feel hazy and disconnected.

It's...So strange how I have no problem sharing when not asked to do so, but when asked I become nervous and anxious and worried.  I'm willing to bet myself this post is going to take me a couple of hours. (Looking back...It took me many hours, forgive it's length...)

I'm going to be mostly speaking of my memories and experiences back in 2014, but in the light of seeing myself as worthy, I will shake for a moment this feeling of unworthiness to discuss such things and try to be of service...

1.  At this exact moment, I am as the majority, I stumble inside the sinkhole of indifference often.  Yet, in some ways it is much easier to feel the swelling up inside when I witness a chance to provide love, without any background desire to polarize obscuring that spontaneous reaction because of my experiences in 2014.

Simply, my answer is a paradox, yes and no.  Yes because I find these are what I am drawn to, I WANT to give love, I WANT to be kind, I do not want to be these things so I may polarize and graduate, I want to be these things because it is who I find myself to be.  In this same light though...I WANT to be selfish sometimes, I WANT to manipulate others to get what I want sometimes.  I'm no saint, the choice to love for me was considered deeply to be towards STO with some...Intense bias towards STS energies.  Such as responding with spite out of anger, or sarcasm out of annoyance.  I'm as much a monster as a lover in my mind.  So...I think it's important, that in recognizing this completeness inside of myself, as all things, I have opportunities now to cultivate portions of this, to 'be' portions of this completeness.  I can be the dark lover of bondage and submission, or the cruel customer who makes life difficult for another, or the driver who cuts off another for whatever reason.  I can be all of these things, but what's important is that in knowing this, I still choose to be a lover and not a monster, even as a lover who sees myself as a monster, Frankenstein wasn't such a bad guy...  Not... All monsters are bad...

2.  Making the choice of love, as a waking conscious human being is...Understated.  Diana touched upon it well:

there are emotional reactions where real, deep, unconditional love is felt, and yet, emotional reactions are fleeting in nature. When—through experience, not just an intellectual decision (which is part of the process)—that feeling of unconditional love surfaces not as an emotional reaction, but as a deep welling up of what is

If you don't feel the deep spontaneous desire to do so, the polarization accrued from being so won't be as 'pure' or what I term 'intense' as if it was from a place beyond intellectual desire to polarize and graduate and leave 3D.

I strongly suggest the immediate contemplation deeply of why one wants to leave 3D and how they're possibly going to do that with such a desire.  It could be said, from the perspective of dichotomies, that the desire to leave is the desire to stay, this is a red ray condition.  Once one finds peace with their being in 3D, on Earth, they may find it much easier to react from the heart, rather than through the red ray desire to return to the heart.

I say that but the truth is, for so many people, the pain of 3D is like an iron wall...  It completely stops you, it completely wrecks you in the process to.  You're not walking up to this wall when you discover it is there, you're flying, and whatever your speed is, the moment you're aware of the wall is the moment you hit it.  I once had someone pm me on here that they wanted to kill themselves and make it all go away...  I couldn't...Articulate back then, what it was I felt in them, but now I can.  Thank God they're still with us today, thank god they let their light exist on Earth where he is desperately needed even in just presence.

The iron wall of wanting to graduate 3D-- of wanting to leave is the first major signpost, in my opinion, of a person that desires to be unconditionally loving.  They miss these energies and want them back, it might be a half-remembered sensation even...  It's a good way to gauge if you need to work on the red ray...

With all of these said, to whoever it needs to be read by, I'll now get on with my point.

2) Does desiring to give love propel me faster toward my goal? Maybe this is too tangential, but how does desire for giving love differ from desire for personal peace and inner joy?

With what Diana said in mind, I'll answer your questions directly.

Desiring to give love both can and can't propel you, balance exists, too much of anything exists, even love.  Imagine it this way, if you love so much that you injure yourself from giving love, how can you continue to give love?  You propelled yourself then twisted your ankle (metaphorically), how can you continue to propel forward now?
The desire itself to give love is no different from the action.  If you become obsessed with giving love, you'll distort yourself.  Best example I can think of.  Crazy obsessed girlfriend meme:

What distortion is this person experiencing from loving too much?  Could it be jealousy?  Irrationality?  Hatred?

You love someone so much you drive yourself crazy, probably not a good way of propelling yourself forward

Also I should mention why your goal is to 'propel' yourself, you make it sound like you desire to 'exponentially polarize'.  I felt very much the same way when I first began polarizing, but please heed my personal experience as a warning.  You might springboard up into dealing with catalyst beyond your ability, and if you just give up, you'll plummet back down in a contrast akin to heaven moving into hell.  Please don't do that to yourself, once you acquire the effortlessness of providing unconditional love, strongly consider taking up a few lessons in wisdom on when to apply that love for your own personal sake, and when to say no.

Saying no is revolutionary.  Imagine how it could transform yourself when you say no to certain situations.

I...Have to now divulge into the fact sts and sto are the same side of the coin up until the finer details are concerned.  An entity of wisdom/love is offering the wisdom of not choosing to give love to them when they 'greet' you or in the sense of a manifested incarnatee, when they 'wrong' you in some way.  This is a chance to polarize positively by responding with love.  In the exact same way, when a sto entity incarnated offers to a sts the chance of love, it is a disservice to the sts being and is not actually a 'service to another'.

Ra comes upon this issue specifically with Don's trying to be of service to their 5D entity, Ra literally calls this 'humorous':

67.26 ▶ Questioner: Then there is no other service that we can at this time offer that fifth-density entity of the Orion group who is so constantly with us. As I see it now there is nothing that we can do for him from your point of view? Is this correct?
Ra: I am Ra. This is correct. There is great humor in your attempt to be of polarized service to the opposite polarity. There is a natural difficulty in doing so since what you consider service is considered by this entity non-service. As you send this entity love and light and wish it well it loses its polarity and needs to regroup.

Thus it would not consider your service as such. On the other hand, if you allowed it to be of service by removing this instrument from your midst you might perhaps perceive this as not being of service. You have here a balanced and polarized view of the Creator; two services offered, mutually rejected, and in a state of equilibrium in which free will is preserved and each allowed to go upon its own path of experiencing the One Infinite Creator.

67.27 ▶ Questioner: Thank you. In closing that part of the discussion I would just say that if there is anything that we can do that is within our ability— and I understand that there are many things such as the ones that you just mentioned that are not within our ability— that we could do for this particular entity, if you would in the future communicate its requests to us we will at least consider them because we would like to serve in every respect. Is this agreeable to you?
Ra: I am Ra. We perceive that we have not been able to clarify your service versus its desire for service. You need, in our humble opinion, to look at the humor of the situation and relinquish your desire to serve where no service is requested. The magnet will attract or repel. Glory in the strength of your polarization and allow others of opposite polarity to similarly do so, seeing the great humor of this polarity and its complications in view of the unification in sixth density of these two paths.

So in light of trying to be sto, we very well can seem sts to sts entities, in this similar way, in light of trying to be sts, we very well can seem sto to sto entities.

The sinkhole rests where we view sts actions as sts actions rather than the sto aspect they can be to us (to not see the love in their actions towards/against us).  We can have wisdom in not meeting the want to be killed with allowing ourselves to not be killed.  Or we can have love in allowing ourselves to be killed, the issue there however is if this gain in polarity would outweigh if you didn't polarize but remained alive, almost universally (I think), it is not.

This however is considered 'subtle' work, as suddenly we have the fusion of polar opposites into the same thing, and must discern the little bits about that same thing in it's polarized light's.  You touch upon this with your question:

how does desire for giving love differ from desire for personal peace and inner joy

It does as an intellectually minded human.
It doesn't for an entity working beyond the intellectual mind.

The difference is that the want to give is not the same as the want to receive, intellectually.
The similarity is that in giving you receive anyways by the natural function of the universe (the homage: 'You get what you give' applies directly here)
You are not giving as an entity of love to receive, as 'love itself' you already receive as you give so there is no need to mix the two up as different.  The intellectual mind doesn't manage this (or even 'realize' it), it is one of separating, logic, abstract, form, point, line, segment, properties with labels and titles differentiating them.
The deep mind has no need for this intellectual inundation.  To it giving love is no different from receiving what one gets when they are given love.  In most cases, receiving love is giving peace of mind and joy to another.  In retrospect, you have given this to your other-self, you have given to your self.

Your worry is one of the intellectual.  The desires are the same in the light of love, you wanting to give yourself peace could even be a motivator to polarize eventually leading to the effortlessness and as Diana said, "that feeling of unconditional love surfaces not as an emotional reaction, but as a deep welling up of what is, you have reached another layer."

You will find yourself as you polarize sort of moving through layers of reality from a still position, like in the show Futurama, the Planet Express's delivery ship doesn't move through space, it makes space move around it.  You'll experience that.  It's different for everyone, some people experience is as reality becoming dreamlike, others view it as sudden inconsistencies in reality (mandela effect), and some even experience it as their reality changing before their very eyes without any physical changes being observed.

Once you take the seat in the throne of the heart or move kundalini up past the outer courtyard of the green ray and into the green ray itself, you will know it, until then the point of polarity is to reach that throne inside of the green ray as far as selfishness is concerned to a sto entity, in regards to selflessness to that same entity, the point of reaching this throne is to become a healer and begin the exercises of higher lessons of sto, the entire point of 3D however is to simply reach that throne, to do so once, then be able to do so again, and again, and again, easier and easier.  That momentum eventually kicks in is somewhat a proof of the inclination towards the positive of our Logos.

I'm sorry this answer was so long, I see no difference between those desires of wanting to give love and wanting to have peace and joy.  I'm sure I can try to intellectually explain them if you prefer that kind of answer though.

3) I don't think I understand the significance of your 21 day suggestion. How does that differ from simply setting a goal for every day from now on, or waking up and saying "I'll do this today?"

I'm an intellectual type, logical to a rigid degree.  It wasn't until I practiced strengthening faith that I began to experience a 'spiritual awakening'.  So for me, I had to make long term goals, as trying things on a day-to-day basis wasn't working for me.

In a sense, my '22 days' was spent with a rigid schedule.  I could detail it now it's still fresh in my memory.
Wake up, write down any dreams, thank the infinite creator, begin drinking my lemon-lime infused water (1 gallon per day) with 4 heaping tablespoons of hemp seeds.  Brush my teeth, take a shower, get dressed for work, affirm during my drive to work that I'll have a good day and be of service to others.  Be of service wherever I possibly can be while working. (I have some stories to tell because of that lol...), eat only bananas and oranges at work, go home, water the plants and try to start a gardening project in my backyard (to this day hasn't been finished...) eat dinner if hungry, meditate (then eat dinner if I didn't), contemplate, free time (smoke weed then hookah, play video games, read the Law of One, listen to music, write), prepare for bed, thank the infinite creator, go to bed.

I began waking up with thoughts of the Law of One just all in my mind every day, like I was observing everything about it in my sleep just before waking up.  I remember vividly, five days straight I woke up and the absently occurring thoughts in my mind were 'we are one love'  However, I also smoked weed pretty heavily back then (I had just begun smoking weed too since my job at the time was now an overnight gas station shift and I went a week without sleep because I couldn't sleep during the day, so my tolerance wasn't existent much at all back then) I made it a point to avoid meditating while high, though the few times I did were very comforting albeit not as intense as sober ones were.

At the heart of your question I have no answer, it's strictly unique for everyone.  Some people need to set a longterm goal, others need to setup each day as if they were each a step.  I was a bit of both, I'd make a long term plan then design day by day how to achieve it, if I had no long term plan I'd have no motivation to design my days towards something.  My issue was balance, if I make a goal too far out in the future I lose interest, if it's too close I may not be giving myself enough time to accomplish my goal.

I ultimately transformed from needed to do day by day activities for a long term goal, to just being blissfully happy to be able to enjoy the small and large things across each day.  

I might know how to answer this question now, back then I went from needing to do things by motivation and reminders to suddenly becoming spontaneous.  It was no longer a chore to do anything like take out the garbage, it was a pleasant walk down my driveway.  It wasn't a pain to save money from my paycheck, I effortlessly adjusted my lifestyle so I could manage away 100 dollars per paycheck of a weekly paycheck to eventually buy a car.  I saw grocery shopping as a fun time out of the house.  I took 3am walks without any fear anymore and walked through the darkness of the night with a shining smile.

I can't really explain it, it's just a momentum, one day things become enjoyable, the annoyance falls down, the anger falls down, the sadness falls down, (shed away) and you become the Creator, you become just Love.  Is the extraneous effort human's sometimes need to go grocery shopping needed by the Creator to do simple mundane tasks like go buy groceries?  Apparently not from my experience!  Everything is met with love, until your humanity comes across something it can't handle, and reasserts itself, bringing you back to who you are, making you human once more with anger and annoyance and sadness.

The hard part is moving the humanity of yourself to consistently do as the Ra quotes in my further up post indicated.  If you can't find your personal human way of consistently across at first days, then across a single day each day, to consistently constantly make the choice of sto, I don't know if it's possible to reach that stage of momentum then.

I consider a failure of making the choice here or there in a day normal and expected and tolerated on the road to becoming the Creator.  Most especially because you are a human and designed to fail making the choice.  So if you have a bad day, don't let it get you down.  You're meant to have bad days, meant to meet them with love even if long after they occurred.

What's important is to not just give up.  I know this specifically well as someone who shuts down easily and surrenders to adversity, doesn't bother with competition, and just gives up in sadness or shame or frustration.  DON'T DO THAT MAN, it's okay to take a break, but giving up harms yourself in return and begins a self-perpetuated cycle of suffering.

Whatever you need to do, to do what you need to do, to become what you feel you need to become, is what matters.  It's the journey, not the destination.  Love is the journey, the Creator is the destination, what matters is not in becoming the Creator, as much as spreading the love you radiated while becoming so.  This seems to be the major theme for wanderers, to radiate love, our mere presence raises the vibration of Earth, radiating love probably helps greatly, and I do mean Greatly, each 1 is enough to change the world, everything counts, but with that said, no one is trying to be 'the best' so don't beat yourself up for failures.  When you twist your ankle, you still need to keep moving, just more slowly so you can heal too.

I'm not sure if that answered that question adequately, please tell me if I've been confusing as I'm getting pretty tired (it's, oh my god lol, 3:33am)

4) There's absolutely no question that I am service-to-others, this body/mind/spirit complex I temporarily call "sjel." I feel like I have that foundation already. But where, then, does the reluctance come from? I have many experiences of giving love unconditionally to a point that I felt inner spiritually orgasmic joy. But they were all fleeting, short experiences that don't seem to be consciously repeatable. Instead, oftentimes afterwards I felt more stuck in my life, uncomfortable mentally, with a higher tendency to want to numb myself through mindless media consumption and/or alcohol/chemicals. Why the hell do I desire the lower vibration stuff immediately after high vibration experiences? This is something I do not understand at all.

I question often if I am a service to self being.  I consider it healthy to re-examine the foundations now and then, make sure nothing is crumbling.
Where does anything from you come from but yourself?  Reluctance, I'm that word pretty well.  The reluctance could be a lot of things...  You should definitely sit with that feeling in a meditation, overwhelm your sense with it, then let it dissipate and think forth it's opposite, which might be motivation in this case.  Let that overwhelm the sense then relax.  The next time you feel reluctance, balance it with motivation, then with that done, make your choice, reluctance or motivation.  What does your polarity choice lead you towards?

I ask that expecting you to say motivation, but to be honest even with that dichotomy in my mind I often opt for reluctance, reluctance out of paranoia and fear.  My greatest biggest crippling fear in the world, is looking stupid to other people.  It makes me hit the iron wall of 3D, it makes me want to leave.  I hate being laughed at, I hate it so much...
Still, I must try to not let that make me give up, and I do.  I lower my head, glare with a frown at the ground then let myself grow sad and walk away as my shoulders slump.  But at least I didn't give up, and will be able to make something positive of the experience one day in the future.

Orgasmic joy is nice...  I find the sensation of orgasm is similar to the passive state of bliss I felt for weeks at a time in 2014.  I beat myself up for not finding a sexual partner then lol, but anyway I think that the extreme pleasures these energetic states produce are not normal to the physical chemical complex of the body.  For every moment of bliss the brain needs to produce the necessary neurotransmitters to make it happen.  If the body runs out of the chemicals needed, the state ends, PERIOD.  This is why the quote by Ra regarding listening to the polarity of the body, and finding a chemical/physical balance for it is crucial.  What good is the world's smartest self-driving car software program if it's installed in a clunker that can barely accelerate?  The entire mind/body/spirit complex needs it's different parts cultivated, this seems to be done almost specifically through some kind of discipline of the personality.

The discipline of this entire personality relies on how the mind interacts with itself, how the body is cultivated by the mind, and how the spirit can be allowed to express itself through the mind and body.

If you lack this discipline, you're going to move into major distortions of ignorant self destruction.  Whether it become from hedonistically wanting the pleasure of love back, to believing yourself unworthy when you can't maintain the state of Love.

This means you need to balance the lower chakras.  I view red, orange, and yellow are smaller reflections of blue, indigo, violet, with green a buffer between the two vastly differently dense energies that yet somehow are similar to each other (red to blue, orange to indigo, yellow to violet).  If you can manage to balance those chakras, such moments of such joy might come around more often.

However, I had a thought...  So, you feel these orgasmic joys but can't seem to appreciate them long term as they are these small fleeting moments.  Well, maybe try to consider this.

As above so below.  For every fleetingly unholdable second, there is eternity.  You felt the moment in that eternity, you felt that moment of eternal pleasure moving away after feeling it coming forth, and you were distressed by it.  You want it back but it's such a short moment and you fret with the misery of it's loss (Sorry if that sounds dramatic, I'm leading up to this dramatic image )



You think that shortness has ended now?  It's eternal.  It is as That Moment That Is Love, That Is Eternal and Infinite.  Next time you meditate, seek to meet with that 'short moment' again inside the timeless environment of your meditating mind.  You'll come across it.  In that same way, you're expected to go to all the moments that left a taste on your senses and observe them.  You can do the same to those moments.  It's also worth noting, the word moment is similar to 'movement', though that one instance of a moment is eternally in movement, it isn't moving anywhere that you can't access it, not unless you remove the experience from your conscious memory.

Instead, oftentimes afterwards I felt more stuck in my life, uncomfortable mentally, with a higher tendency to want to numb myself through mindless media consumption and/or alcohol/chemicals. Why the hell do I desire the lower vibration stuff immediately after high vibration experiences? This is something I do not understand at all.

When highly dense energies are met with a filter that considers them solid, they can't go anywhere.  You can't go anywhere.

In my mind this can be seen as, attempting to move the kundalini up to green ray through yellow ray, when the yellow ray is not open enough to receive the energy that will come forth once green ray is penetrated.  Blockage can be seen literally as well as metaphorically.

You want to rise kundalini, you want to polarize, yet you have an eagerness to propel these things forward despite lacking the work to safely do so.  That won't stop the processes if your will is sufficiently strong but it opens you up to possibilities you might not desire to come across that as a consequence of your eagerness, you may very well come across.  I personally did...  I'd like to not see that happen to another, so please consider this.

You desire the low after the high the same way a chronically depressed person desires to be comfortably numb in their depression rather than face the responsibility that comes with making life enjoyable.  It's easier to be what you only know your entire human life.  The lower energies, the physical realms, the red, orange, and yellow energies that make us up, that we experience through and from.  I'm not saying you're depressed and finding comfort in remaining so, I'm saying you're moving into higher energies, and comfortably moving back down to lower energies.

Have you considered your up and down ways are you coaxing and testing out your upcoming motivations to effect the lower and higher energies for polarizing?  You might be feeling out the playing field so to speak.

Personally however, I think you're just being affected by some kind of habit of your personality.  The addict doesn't move back to the drug because they need it, they move back to it because their want for it feels like they need it.

Are you moving back to lower vibrational energies because you unconsciously know you still need them?  Consuming alcohol is a perfect way to ground the self in lower vibrations just like smoking weed is a perfect way to inappropriately work with higher energies you're not ready for soberly.

I'm trying to think how to say this.

If...You find yourself returning to old habits as you try to break free of them.  Perhaps this is you telling yourself it's time to begin the training of the personality.

You might find 22 days of discipline of your personality is the mountain you'll need to climb without stumbling into the 'lower energies' to begin a momentum, but I honestly believe during those 22 days you should ignore all work on higher chakras and focus intently on working out red, orange, and yellow chakra blockages through the outer courtyard of the heart (just below green ray) before you attempt walking into the green ray.

My first time ever walking into the green ray was in a meditation with the song Megalomania by Muse playing on repeat.  That same song guided me to my shadow self, who at the time was simple and singular with a black mask covering his face (but now is complex and a whole bunch of many others some with masks and others with weapons), but when I walked up to the mausoleum in my mind that was the entrance to the green ray, I was accosted by two lions who seemed to walk intently in front of the doorway staring at me.  I was scared, and didn't remember what Ra said to do in that moment, and so all I could manage to do was seek what the lions meant, and all I kept thinking was, 'they keep pacing back and forth like they're guarding the way, am I the intruder, or the guest?' I approached and they stood in front of me, but they never attacked me, and in their mercy I gave them mercy, and like that the room opened to an incandescently iridescent bright white space.  I walked in and found the throne floating in that place with an invisible ground, I sat down and said 'I Love', and I began my spiritual awakening.

Your want to be with the lower energies is why you came to 3D, why would you want to leave them?  You can't not be them here.  For all the work with higher energies, you are still activated and manifest as 'Human'.  You must be those while human...  That you unconsciously remind yourself this by returning you safely to those energies is important, though I'm tired and struggling to think of how or why they're important...  I find that all I can think to this question is to see it like this:

Instead of:
"Why the hell do I desire the lower vibration stuff immediately after high vibration experiences?"

See this nearly polar opposite form of your own remark:
"I know heavenly that I don't want the higher vibration stuff prolonged after low vibration absence."

The opposite of your 'question' literally looks like it's own 'answer'

I hope this all helps somehow, sorry for my great wall of text, I tried to make the really important tidbits stand out...
Oh, I'm not done lol.

5. I literally feel a connection to the pen I use, like when it runs out of ink I'm getting a refill cartridge, that pen is my baby...  This is my pen, this is my tool, without my pen I am nothing, without me my pen is nothing.

I love you pen  

I also love all of you, and apologize for my painfully long post!
(I wonder how many people see me 'replying to' for the past few hours and were wondering, 'the hell are you writing C_A??')

[Night Owl]

When does it stop having to be conscious effort, like a chore. It's true that it is a rewarding chore, to seek the love, but I would rather just be able to let it flow through like an always open faucet. I don't need magic powers I just wanna love life unconditionally.

Just to be sure, are you asking when you no longer have to think about it or when does it become easy to think about it?

To me one means you can see it and the other means you can express it. Which one are you seeking?

I would say it becomes easy to see the love all around you when you don't stop seeking it. If you can't see it you are likely not seeking it.

To express it easily, I'd say there are two parts. First you have to be able to express this love towards yourself and this requires honesty, healing and a desire to feel good for yourself. The second part involves practice and culmulating positive polarity through many positive interactions with others. I'd say they are both 50% of the work but they both require consistency and efforts. They have to be driven by will, not fear.

[sjel]

Wow, I did not expect such thought to go into these questions, Coordinate_Apotheosis. It turns out I needed that attention more than I thought: I've read your post twice and certain parts many times. Thank you.

Before I respond to anything specifically, let me just say that your responses make it impossible for me to react negatively. Not negatively toward you, but negative toward myself. Oftentimes I will be reading something written by a wise soul, such as Buddhist texts, or some literature by a saint, or a particularly insightful post by some evolved soul on this forum, and for some reason I will interpret an obviously wise segment as a reason to look down on myself. For example, whenever I read someone talking about how man continues to choose ignorance, and man's tendency to choose ignorance, I get this twinge of guilt/shame. It feels like they're describing me, not mankind in general. I wonder how much of that is because I truly am attached to ignorance, and how much is because I am attached to the lower vibration states of guilt and shame. Maybe those two are one and same! - perhaps ignorance IS feeling guilt and shame...

Anyway, I don't feel that when I read your responses. You emanate a vibration of humility, and genuine earnest desire to assist. You act as if I am your equal... which is something I really struggle to accept, I've been caught in this cycle of degrading my self-worth for a long, long time. So thanks for that.

Your answer to 1), that is huge. Immediately I thought of the Christlike saint, smiling, radiating love... does this being, then, know its shadow self to the very same extent that it knows its light self? Reversing polarities, does the harvestable service-to-self being know its light self perfectly well? If so, that means that the saint and the 'shadow-saint,' I'll call him, are utterly equal in earthly wisdom and acceptance, it's just that the saint's being at that space/time nexus prefers light, while the shadow-saint's being at that nexus prefers shadow.

Actually, I may have just run across a distorted perception of light/dark - how is it that all is Love if love is one of the choices of polarity? What I mean is, for love to be able to be All That Is, how can it be a choice, directly opposite darkness?

How can the thing that transcends both options BE one of the options? That would mean that one of the two options (love) is actually infinitely greater than the other option (darkness) and therefore they are not equal options. Hope I'm being clear here...

I strongly suggest the immediate contemplation deeply of why one wants to leave 3D and how they're possibly going to do that with such a desire.

I just came across this concept very recently, how synchronous; I must be ready for this lesson. Let me find the quote...

Here it is, in Sri Swami Satchidananda's translation and commentary of the Yoga Sutras:

If you are unsettled and anxious to get the result, you are already disturbed; nothing done with that disturbed mind will have quality.

So I think I am merely anxious to leave third density earth, rather than eager to serve others. And because serving others unconditionally will unlock the door out of third density, I desire to serve others. Not because of the joy of serving others, but because of my own selfish desire to leave. Muad-dib, you mentioned this, that I should examine my ulterior motives for service.

how does desire for giving love differ from desire for personal peace and inner joy

It does as an intellectually minded human.
It doesn't for an entity working beyond the intellectual mind.

Is this because as one progresses, the line between self and other-self thins and then dissipates? Are you at this point?

You will find yourself as you polarize sort of moving through layers of reality from a still position, like in the show Futurama, the Planet Express's delivery ship doesn't move through space, it makes space move around it.  You'll experience that.  It's different for everyone, some people experience is as reality becoming dreamlike, others view it as sudden inconsistencies in reality (mandela effect), and some even experience it as their reality changing before their very eyes without any physical changes being observed.

It's strange, I feel very familiar with this experience of life. Notably the dreamlike quality of life. When I go out in public (which is not often) it seems unreal and hyperreal simultaneously. Like an intensely vivid lucid dream. But I often feel spiritually and mentally underequipped to deal with that level of hyperawareness. I think that some of this is a result of my past (2 years ago) deep diving into the higher realms using psychedelics, notably ketamine, DMT, LSD, salvia, marijuana, DXM, morning glory seeds.

I would do high doses (usually past the point of being connected to reality physically) and lay in my dorm room either in silence or with music, so that I could experience the music as a musical/physical/cerebral combination. I never had a bad experience, but I went there too often to process the lessons, and therefore became extremely unbalanced, resenting the physical world around me. The last two years, I think, have been a karmic rebalancing process of which I believe I am reaching the end.

These two years have forced me to pay attention to the lower states, but the first year I completely resisted all lower chakra experience... so I was utterly miserable, by choice, for that period of time. I don't really know why I'm telling you this, but it came out naturally and it felt good to say! Which is I think what matters.

I really, really, extremely, intensely, desperately miss those places. I miss the realm where everything is easily controllable by mind, where there is no heavy body to have to pay attention to and cater to. I miss the realm where every being you come across is quite obviously inextricably linked to your own self, in fact there is no difference. And you can communicate with these beings without fear and indeed, with immense pleasure, because their answers feel like they are simply reminding you about something rather than teaching you.

There's some untapped well of emotion, musical emotion, intense vibratory joy, something, I don't know what... that has been unconsciously swelling within me, that I occasionally become aware of, that was penetrated a little more just now. During these times the world makes perfect sense, and the only thing to do is follow that - thing, sensation, awareness - until I have lost track of it and fall back into the hardlined, physical material world.

Holy s***, I am overcome with sorrow that this thing is ever separate from me. I am thankful, right now, that I have maintained a steady practice of meditation. Before I began meditating, this sensation of being separated from the most beautiful thing in the world would drive me into a blind frenzy, sometimes rage, sometimes a wild-eyed psychedelic state in which everybody was reduced to merely audience members in my show. This is imbalance. I feel that right now, but I am concentrated in mind enough to recognize that I am avoiding something.

I guess I still do not understand how to perfectly release this energy into the physical world in a manner that benefits others. This is probably because my desire is still largely tainted with selfish motive.

It's like I have access to a fraction of the higher chakra power that I would have if I were balanced and entirely selfless. *hits forehead* duh...

I am out of words for now. The rest of your response helps a lot; even today I've had bits and pieces of it floating through my mind. I don't have a response to it, except for

Thank You

[Coordinate_Apotheosis]

Wow, I did not expect such thought to go into these questions, Coordinate_Apotheosis. It turns out I needed that attention more than I thought: I've read your post twice and certain parts many times. Thank you.

Before I respond to anything specifically, let me just say that your responses make it impossible for me to react negatively. Not negatively toward you, but negative toward myself. Oftentimes I will be reading something written by a wise soul, such as Buddhist texts, or some literature by a saint, or a particularly insightful post by some evolved soul on this forum, and for some reason I will interpret an obviously wise segment as a reason to look down on myself. For example, whenever I read someone talking about how man continues to choose ignorance, and man's tendency to choose ignorance, I get this twinge of guilt/shame. It feels like they're describing me, not mankind in general.

This makes me feel immensely more at peace, I thought I was the only one who did this!  I remember the first and only time I convinced myself I couldn't be a healer (which came literally right before the hour I came to believe I was in literally hell) and it was because I felt exactly what you described.
How do I, a pathetic excuse for a human being who may very have been less than nothing (as I saw myself at that moment back then), possibly even approach a fraction of the love and light others seemed to give so easily???

The answer I see now, was to just try and not freak out over my 'lesser' self-perceptions upon myself.  It showed me that this happened to me because I was lacking the most important thing a healer needs.  Self Love/Forgiveness.

OH, and uh...Thank you for the kind words, but I don't want you to see my words as 'saintly'.  They're very human, they could even be wrong and not similar to how another experienced things.  I admit I would describe the sensations of mindfulness, peacefulness, conscientiousness, and bliss that I experienced in 2014 as 'saint-like', with a few moments of almost transcendental patience and love...  One such moment was when my mom began a fight with me out of nowhere because she didn't like how calm I had become to everything.  I recognized she was just trying to blame something for her misery, and I said it gently but sternly.  I've never seen my mother suddenly forfeit a fight with a dumbfounded face and silence.  It was to me, a lesson learned in not letting another damage myself by just being honest about my perceptions.
Yet, I also look back at my own self and feel exactly what you described when reading such of others...  It's...Very depressing sometimes looking at who I am now, and who I was then...  I was helpful and useful and joyous and spontaneous and everything I wanted to always be.  Now, I'm just another joe-shmobody.
So I understand where you're coming from.

If you might benefit from it, I want to share my understanding of ignorance from a polarity spectrum.  Subtle-work speaking, ignoring for the moment that ignorance belongs to the ignorance/understanding dichotomy, I want to explore the depth of the purely 'ignorance dichotomy'.  Ignorance has been used to negatively insult others at times so I feel it has a negative connotation attached to it socially.

Ignorance to me is belonging to two other things, Innocence, and Apathy.  On the right hand side of the spectrum of ignorance's dichotomy is innocence.  Innocence in that they do not know.  As Jesus spoke with this realization in mind of 'ignorance' as an integral part of the 3D experience, 'Forgive them for they do not know'.  In ignorance we do not know, typically.  Then on then on the left hand side of ignorance is it's twisted cousin, apathy.  When one knows of something, and chooses to be ignorant of it (the homeless man sleeping on the bench they jog by every morning for instance) they are applying apathy to the situation.

Ignorance is something to be met by others with forgiveness and it's opposite, understanding, in order to be of aid.  You should meet the ignorance in yourself with understanding, and forgive.

The word forgive to me is cute...It literally describes the act it produces, for-giving.  You give for another, to forgive the self is to give to the self for the self.  To forgive another-self is to give to the self for the other-self.

I forgive you, and I don't even need a reason

I wonder how much of that is because I truly am attached to ignorance, and how much is because I am attached to the lower vibration states of guilt and shame. Maybe those two are one and same! - perhaps ignorance IS feeling guilt and shame...

Ignorance is a summary of the beginning of ANY 3D entity.  No one in 3D is born not ignorant.

Further, I want to be a bit infringing and just detach this link you've made of ignorance to guilt and shame, as I see this as nothing more than a self-perpetuating feedback loop to debase the self.  You are ignorant, I am ignorant.  WE DON'T KNOW!



guilt and shame belong to themselves, maybe there is some connection from ignorance to guilt and shame such as you have experienced, but I think this is you transforming your self-perception of ignorance with despair of sorts, warping feelings of ignorance into feelings of guilt and shame.  I suggest this possibility because I used to do this very recently, and have only just lately begun to explore those relationships.  I saw it as an attachment to the engine that fuels my hatred and anger, and so I dismantled it after undoing the nuts and screws and bolts that were 'unworthiness'.

Anyway, I don't feel that when I read your responses. You emanate a vibration of humility, and genuine earnest desire to assist. You act as if I am your equal... which is something I really struggle to accept, I've been caught in this cycle of degrading my self-worth for a long, long time. So thanks for that.

I do have a genuine earnest desire to be of service.  Imagine my discontent that I suck so Haaard at it.

I struggle to accept myself as equal to others...  I'm weird, odd, strange, different, isolated and lonely, hard to make friends, yet I get along with almost everyone, yet when people get to know me they don't want to be around me anymore.  Trying to see others as equal was impossible for me until I begun the exercise of seeing self as creator in the mirror then seeing other as creator.  I bypassed a lot of feelings that way, and in some ways healed many of them.  Those exercises to become the creator as very healing, so long as you don't assault yourself when the state inevitably ends, one does not become the creator and remain so, we must continually re-become the creator because we are humans who offer the catalyst to our soul to allow it to over and over re-experience itself from a placement of 'separation'.  Human, Soul, Creator, the One Infinite sure does have it's ways of getting what it wants lol.

And again, I feel a part of your self-degradation is getting shame and guilt out of feeling ignorant.  There's a saying...

Ignorance is Bliss

My reply to this: Truth is Decadence.

Which do you prefer?  Bliss or Decadence?  I personally like the idea of Truth being attached to the deterioration of the Human Being.  Dissolving them back into the dissolution of 'The Truth'.  Some people view decadence as negative, I have for a long time seen something good of it.  For something to become decadent and overtly self-indulgent, eroding itself, is the very aspect of what happens when we become the creator for longer than we are supposed to be.  It erodes us, and forces us to have to work even harder to return to that state.  Overindulging in the truth is dangerous, Ra gave us some truth, and it almost killed Carla.  I became the creator in a matter of months and held the state for almost a year, and I crashed down into hellish realities.

Be happy, you know, just be happy, don't look for a reason, just 'be'.  I used to have the motto, Just Be And Enjoy.  It's extremely hard to 'just be' as a being who has 'become' from almost entirely external stimuli response, but if we can incite the 'stimuli response' internally (rather than externally from say, a rainbow snow cone YUM...), then we can be happy that way.

Problem is figuring out how to incite responses from internally, most people do this by 'thinking happy thoughts', but this suggestion has been...Nullified by it's manner of almost sarcastic usage.  Don't just think a happy thought, feel it deeply, do this again and again.  You'll train your brain through application of conscious will to produce the physical response of happiness by your own will.  Just one aspect of bliss from becoming Creator.  You acquire a handle over your many parts, including the brain's release of neurotransmitters.

Again though, the only problem herein lies balance, if you squeeze the brain dry of it's chemicals to induce naturally happiness, you're not going to be very happy (lol.).

Your answer to 1), that is huge. Immediately I thought of the Christlike saint, smiling, radiating love... does this being, then, know its shadow self to the very same extent that it knows its light self? Reversing polarities, does the harvestable service-to-self being know its light self perfectly well? If so, that means that the saint and the 'shadow-saint,' I'll call him, are utterly equal in earthly wisdom and acceptance, it's just that the saint's being at that space/time nexus prefers light, while the shadow-saint's being at that nexus prefers shadow.

I begin my response to the majority of this set of questions as, I don't know.
I can speculate though.  I discovered a shallow portion of my shadow self, and with that little bit was able to accept myself.  I think it depends for the sto entity just how deeply they wish to explore their darkness.

I wanted it all, so I jumped right into the rabbit hole and I didn't clench onto anything until I was in what I call, the 'Darkest Darkness'.  Some very strange characters of myself exist down there, at this time of writing I already have several flashes of visualizations of the aspects of myself down there, and how warped they've become.  The most comedic to me is the 'killer clown' part of myself engendered by the group Insane Clown Posse when I was in high school.  I pushed that away and not it resurfaces as something much worse with a lot of 'insanity' and 'murder' in mind directed at me.  Another character I met very early on was the 'serial killer'.  Which instantly drew connotations to the show Dexter, and I instantly recognized my longing feeling of equality towards 'Dexter' as this part of me manifesting emotionally.  I feel ashamed admitting this, but I've done so on this forum before in vivid detail.  Sometimes I want to murder people.  Like the guy raping another guy in a porn video on 4chan, or the girl who ruined someones entire life with lies, or the elderly person who blames the world's problems on my generation.  I'm pretty messed up down there in that Darkest Darkness.  There's a rapist in there.  A genocidal dictator.  A devil.  An incubus.  There's a slave master in there too, there's a lot of bits and pieces of myself from this life and past ones that sit in there.

I'm not a saint.  I'm a lover, and a monster.  Oh, there's also a legitimate 'monstrous' part of me in there that I can't even approach because it's a doorway to the next level of darkness, something beyond darkness, and I do not want to go there LOL.

So with all of that in mind, I can only say it truly is unique and dependent from one entity to the next.  Maybe some share similarities and this allows them to unify easier.  I do think some form of exploration for both sto and sts entities in their darkness and light respectively is healthy and necessary to further hone and engender the energies of light and dark in contrast to dark and light to reach extreme levels of polarization.

I can't speak of the light-saint/dark-saint dichotomy except to say the sts extreme polarized entity probably has no need to look at it's completeness, as it is a choice of separating from that completeness to become wholly its self.  Darkness is light.  Extremely polarized Sts entities don't concern themselves with that dichotomy I think, to them they have separated from it and are leading themselves, the only concerns to them are how to use the reality about them to their advantage.  Exploring the self's lightness doesn't do much for them, but maybe some of them do explore it to better learn how to manipulate it.  I think it strongly depends on an entity to entity basus.

But I want to say, I think of the Legend of Zelda describing this...  When Link in the water temple's reflecting pool meets his shadow self.


In Link's case, his shadow self was stronger than he was, faster, more agile.  If you swung at him the wrong way he'd leap on your sword, and in a moment of awe, strike you through your own attack flipping backwards off your sword landing on his feet as you flew backwards onto your back, he was that much more 'superior' in terms of skill, and yet Link had more at his disposal, tools and a guide (megaton hammer, bow and arrow, the infamous 'HEY, LISTEN!  I can't identify this enemy's weakness!' Navi fairy of his), and comes to defeat his shadow self.

I think we can see in that way that sometimes darkness inside a person is greater than the light they currently manifest (link was weaker than shadow link).  With this in mind, it can be said that as that person explores their darkness (link getting brutally beat by his self), they learn the polar equivalent to higher tiers of light and unlock their potential to be manifest inside of the self (Link discovering how to defeat his shadow side).

I'm sure Link discovered how brutal it was to face himself...  And grew to be stronger in a gentler way because of it.

I don't have a straight answer for your assumption of the equalized positive/negative qualities in an individual, I think for a pure equality to exist, one would walk what I used to consider the 'Middle Path', one of Neutrality, one of Balance, one of being beyond Polarity to serve polarity directly rather than through polarity itself.  So I can't say such a thing exists on Earth, but perhaps in another 3D world...?

Actually, I may have just run across a distorted perception of light/dark - how is it that all is Love if love is one of the choices of polarity? What I mean is, for love to be able to be All That Is, how can it be a choice, directly opposite darkness?

How can the thing that transcends both options BE one of the options? That would mean that one of the two options (love) is actually infinitely greater than the other option (darkness) and therefore they are not equal options. Hope I'm being clear here...

The word paradox applies here.  Also, the the Sto polarity of 'Love' shouldn't be confused with it's undistorted source which we can only approximate by calling Unconditional Love, it is really much more than that but the words to describe such do not seem to exist if Ra's inability to describe it any better than Unconditional Love is any indicator.

But I too have felt that the darkness is sort of shafted in the long run, the Logos itself has a bias towards the positive polarity, so the negative polarity is truly in a way on it's own.  Like, assuming the Hidden Hand Dialogue is correct, and the Illuminati is real, they were given ruling over Earth, and they did so very well for a long time, and now it's all coming back against them, the collective human response to their presence has become GTFO MY PLANET [insert insult here] it seems.  So really the equality is an illusion in some ways.  Negative polarity can't get beyond 6D.  Negative polarity is greatly lesser in population to positive polarity.  They're akin to the dark spot of the sun.  This mimics itself in scientific observation that Darkness is not real, it is just the Absence of Light, and if everything is Light, then darkness truly is indicative to the descriptor 'absence of'.

You'd almost feel bad for them if they didn't give a f*** less about you

I strongly suggest the immediate contemplation deeply of why one wants to leave 3D and how they're possibly going to do that with such a desire.

I just came across this concept very recently, how synchronous; I must be ready for this lesson. Let me find the quote...

Here it is, in Sri Swami Satchidananda's translation and commentary of the Yoga Sutras:

If you are unsettled and anxious to get the result, you are already disturbed; nothing done with that disturbed mind will have quality.

So I think I am merely anxious to leave third density earth, rather than eager to serve others. And because serving others unconditionally will unlock the door out of third density, I desire to serve others. Not because of the joy of serving others, but because of my own selfish desire to leave. Muad-dib, you mentioned this, that I should examine my ulterior motives for service.

I think everyone when they first learn of heaven instantly desires to go their in death compared to the other option.  But to be fair, this is a philosophical device...  Pascal's Wager

So when you learn of Harvest and what it takes to get there, you're instantly sucked into following that because Pascal's Wager pretty much says you'd choose to do that because the other option is obviously not desirable.

Yet, I don't think any higher entity gets 'bored' of endless bliss and love, I don't think that makes any sense given their access to what they have.  How easy it is for a 3D being to say a 4D, 5D, or 6D being can become 'bored' at what they inherently are.  I do think they acquire incredibly moving and worthy reasons to move into 3D such the want to help another incarnating, or a want to work on something not possible without the 'separation' illusion activated.

If we remove the thought that in those higher densities we only come here because we're bored, we might unlock a road leading to the real reasons and lessons we came here.

how does desire for giving love differ from desire for personal peace and inner joy

It does as an intellectually minded human.
It doesn't for an entity working beyond the intellectual mind.

Is this because as one progresses, the line between self and other-self thins and then dissipates? Are you at this point?

I can't say a thinning occurred, it was more of a deepening of understanding acquired from the lesson "Look at another, see the Creator" in tandem with "Look in the mirror, see the Creator".  Further I wouldn't apply the becoming of Creator to a thinning of separation, you are in separation becoming Creator, there isn't any thinning as much as a deeper understanding of the reality around you as being an illusion, and that the other 3D entities around you are on a very very deep level literally you.

Like the rock containing a crystal interior...  How long was it regarded a mundane dull rock before it's crystalline insides were discovered and it's value to others rose?  Does it matter or is what matters that this was discovered?  We need to look for the beautiful crystal soul interior of others through their dull human exterior.  The intellectual mind looks at another and judges them.  The faculties beyond the intellectual mind have no reason to judge, or label, or provide explanation, it accepts things as is, it just is as it just is.  It has a deeper understanding of reality I think.

You will find yourself as you polarize sort of moving through layers of reality from a still position, like in the show Futurama, the Planet Express's delivery ship doesn't move through space, it makes space move around it.  You'll experience that.  It's different for everyone, some people experience is as reality becoming dreamlike, others view it as sudden inconsistencies in reality (mandela effect), and some even experience it as their reality changing before their very eyes without any physical changes being observed.

It's strange, I feel very familiar with this experience of life. Notably the dreamlike quality of life. When I go out in public (which is not often) it seems unreal and hyperreal simultaneously. Like an intensely vivid lucid dream. But I often feel spiritually and mentally underequipped to deal with that level of hyperawareness. I think that some of this is a result of my past (2 years ago) deep diving into the higher realms using psychedelics, notably ketamine, DMT, LSD, salvia, marijuana, DXM, morning glory seeds.

I would do high doses (usually past the point of being connected to reality physically) and lay in my dorm room either in silence or with music, so that I could experience the music as a musical/physical/cerebral combination. I never had a bad experience, but I went there too often to process the lessons, and therefore became extremely unbalanced, resenting the physical world around me. The last two years, I think, have been a karmic rebalancing process of which I believe I am reaching the end.

These two years have forced me to pay attention to the lower states, but the first year I completely resisted all lower chakra experience... so I was utterly miserable, by choice, for that period of time. I don't really know why I'm telling you this, but it came out naturally and it felt good to say! Which is I think what matters.

Regards the bold, this is definitely a chakra imbalance with the higher chakras being more active than the lower, you might even have some major holes or injuries to your aura, so I'd suggest to you to consider stopping for a good long while with the psychedelics with weed as an exception as long as you don't use it in tandem with spiritual practices ALL the time.  I don't even recognize 3 of those 7 drugs you mentioned lol...

However, you have those experiences now, and even if they have damaged you, this just leaves all the more room to heal.  I think your first lessons should be a play on the one's Ra gave.

Look at the physical world around you, see the Creator (and Forgive)
Look at the physical world around you, see Love (and Forgive)
Look at The Moment, see Love (and Forgive)
Look at yourself, and Forgive.

"The last two years, I think, have been a karmic rebalancing process of which I believe I am reaching the end. "
ME TOO.  I became the Creator far beyond what I could handle, and the rubber band effect of snapping back really messed me up, but now it's all coming to an end and I can feel it, I'm ready to no longer be the monster/lover or lover/monster, but once again the Creator.

You told me this exactly the same way I randomly give snippits and tidbits of myself to others...  I greatly love that you did that, I literally thought I was reading my own words when I read, "I don't really know why I'm telling you this, but it came out naturally and it felt good to say! Which is I think what matters." When this happens, I believe it is the deeper parts of us giving to one another, trying to share ourselves for the purpose of love, understanding, forgiveness, and healing, I greatly admire this.

I really, really, extremely, intensely, desperately miss those places. I miss the realm where everything is easily controllable by mind, where there is no heavy body to have to pay attention to and cater to. I miss the realm where every being you come across is quite obviously inextricably linked to your own self, in fact there is no difference. And you can communicate with these beings without fear and indeed, with immense pleasure, because their answers feel like they are simply reminding you about something rather than teaching you.

Again, I admire this sharing of the soul openly and honestly.  I personally miss...I just miss feeling Loved, and like I'm not alone or an alien and some kind of strange monster in a place that one day might up and torch me for my being born strange.  I once had a dream, it was extremely vivid, more real than this reality, and it was all blue, almost indigo blue...  There was an old man who was hunched with a really long beard reaching down to his waist, and a cane, and he was sitting at a picnic table in an open area with a large tower nearby.  I remember there was music and it was like a soul singing, and the old man was agile, able to bend his knees and dance, straighten his back and swing his hips and arms, he was sitting at the table then jumped up and began moving to the music.

And I woke up literally with a soaked pillow because something inside of me was just screaming, I WANT THIS BACK, I'm tearing up just recalling it...  I remember my best friend of the time (same one I apologized to a little over a week ago) was sleeping over in the same bed with me, and how happy I was that she had already awoken and wasn't in the room with me because I could not stop crying for the next five minutes just sitting there in bed with my face buried in an already soaked pillow.

In your own words, "I don't really know why I'm telling you this, but it came out naturally and it felt good to say! Which is I think what matters."

There's some untapped well of emotion, musical emotion, intense vibratory joy, something, I don't know what... that has been unconsciously swelling within me, that I occasionally become aware of, that was penetrated a little more just now. During these times the world makes perfect sense, and the only thing to do is follow that - thing, sensation, awareness - until I have lost track of it and fall back into the hardlined, physical material world.

This sounds exactly like your Love bubbling to the surface despite the cork on the well it is contained within trying to stop it.

That thing, sensation, awareness, may very well be, your Love.

Holy s***, I am overcome with sorrow that this thing is ever separate from me. I am thankful, right now, that I have maintained a steady practice of meditation. Before I began meditating, this sensation of being separated from the most beautiful thing in the world would drive me into a blind frenzy, sometimes rage, sometimes a wild-eyed psychedelic state in which everybody was reduced to merely audience members in my show. This is imbalance. I feel that right now, but I am concentrated in mind enough to recognize that I am avoiding something.

Regards the bold, separation is a very rigid and vivid illusion.  You came here specifically to feel this, then regardless, still attempt to be yourself as an eternal identity currently molded into a human identity.  With that said, regards the italics, for the majority of 2015 as I felt I was literally in hell, I would become that, several times daily.  I called it 'losing my mind' because in them I would go crazy with murder fantasies, bloody, gruesome, vivid, grotesque, deeply jarring and disturbing imagery of just an endless slaughter of all the 'monsters and demons' around me masquerading as souls and humans, wanting to get 'banned' from Earth by going on a serial killer spree, wanting to find a way to destroy Earth, and purge existence from being.  In some ways, I took all of those emotions and channeled them into my novel character, Sky 'the Woman in the Red Dress' Love, the final antagonist who IS god and has been working towards total permanent destruction of the One Infinite Creator, basically herself.

Those emotions have also warped my inner darkness, as I expressed them they evolved and grew, and now my once simple and lovable shadow self I once knew is no more, and has become 'the destroyer of worlds' and is now hundreds upon hundreds of fragmented shards of personality (I want to say there's around 15k ish, the last time I did a 'mental inventory' I had the number 15832 pop into my mind), and these 'fragments' are of my original shadow self, and that number expands or retracts the more I heal myself or damage myself.  I might never get to become Creator again because of this, I view it as the 'personality fragmenting' or 'shattering' from attempting archetype work before I was ready.

Further, my identification as a monster comes from this time especially, 2015 was a dark horrible place for me.  I looked upon the darkness and found it stares back, but only one of us becomes changed.



And in this way, I was permanently damaged in some way, there will ALWAYS be that monster inside of me now, it will not move, it stands guard to those places beyond darkness, I reached it and it awaits me just as the lions outside the courtyard of the heart awaited me, but it too stands guard, only if I approach it before I'm ready, it will literally consume me.  I don't go there anymore, I don't dare to.  I haven't gone into the outer courtyard of the heart for over a year now, because I am devastatingly terrified of what is in there now...  I won't find a bunch of masked characters, I won't find monsters, I'm going to find myself, only I don't know if I want to know the me that can be now.  I don't know if I want to face what I am become, I don't know, because I dread and despair with terror that if I do, my kindness will be stripped of me, my love will be snuffed out, that I will re-emerge from the courtyard a hollow broken husk of what I was, with nothing left to do but wait for the end of life for the healing of the afterlife to set me straight.

I do not believe myself ready just yet, but I have been preparing to go back into that place...  I just wish I didn't need to do it all alone...

I guess I still do not understand how to perfectly release this energy into the physical world in a manner that benefits others. This is probably because my desire is still largely tainted with selfish motive.

It's like I have access to a fraction of the higher chakra power that I would have if I were balanced and entirely selfless. *hits forehead* duh...

I am out of words for now. The rest of your response helps a lot; even today I've had bits and pieces of it floating through my mind. I don't have a response to it, except for

Thank You

In seflishness lies selflessness.  The One Infinite in every instance of servicing itself through it's other self is despite being of service to 'other' still servicing it's self.  The pain of servicing the self to a sto entity is in the confusion of believing it has been sts, when sto entities NEED to be selfish in order to not burn themselves out, or make choices like meeting an attacker with love resulting in their (otherwise premature) death.

Don't believe that your selfishness in lieu of wanting to be selfless is bad.  Are you familiar with the argument that it is impossible to not be selfish no matter what you do?  How does a sto being possibly be of service to another then if selflessness is not possible?!  How does one polarize in light of the realization they are always in some way serving the self even in an attempt to serve another?

Remember that sto and sts are of the same thing, with the differences emerging in the depths of each polarity, both being the same thing with subtle differences.  You can't be selfless without being selfish.  You can't be selfish without being selfless.

It's the intent that matters.

You already have a fraction of those chakras aiding you every day.  You have the indigo ray which guides and intuits information to you, you have the blue ray which allows you to express yourself both to yourself and others as well as empowers you as a co-creator, you have the violet ray that helps you move towards where you desire to be (helps re-create you), and you have the green ray, which steadily awaits you eternally patient with love to give to you what you always had so you may give it finally to others.

I love you for your honestly, and in return I thank you for giving me the chance and time of day to become of service to you.  -hug-

If you ever have more questions to throw at me that aren't on topic of this thread, I'll gladly accept them in my Journal thread in the treehuggers forum