i make music that describes the catalyst im experiencing

[sjel]

What happens is that I make a piece of music that embodies the catalyst I'm about to go through. Sometimes I really nail it, and the song is literally one with the catalyst - meaning that I hate/resist the song as much as I hate/resist that part of myself. And the music plays in my head whenever the catalyst is introducing itself in my life, it's a recurring theme for some number of days, occasionally weeks.

Here's the catalyst I am dealing with right now: https://soundcloud.com/sjel-1/kethel
I think that it represents a recurring distortion toward unworthiness

I have noticed the pattern - right after I make the music, I love it. I love my creation. Then the music becomes more than a creation, I realized I subconsciously manifested a distortion in myself that I need to deal with. Then comes the period of resistance. In the past, this period has ranged from extremely intense to mild. This resistance correlates with how much I despise the track. For the piece I just posted, I'm still at the part of the pattern where I'm attempting to accept the catalyst. At this stage, this track will play in my head as a soundtrack accompanying the distorted thoughts. This is a convenient way to know when I'm caught in a negative thought pattern - the music will play alongside the thought loop.

I find myself hating the song more and more until I finally start to understand and accept it. This is the exact moment that I have also begun to understand and accept the "negative" aspect of my personality.

they're not all negative catalyst. here's one that marked a time of transition, I think I may have been crossing a subdensity boundary when I made this: https://soundcloud.com/sjel-1/renbo

[AnthroHeart]

For you it's music, just as for me it's certain animated characters. I swore that before I had tapped into another Octave where there were trillions of beings that I admired, all contained in my heart chakra. That belief fell to pieces when I thought I had violated their free will. But that wasn't the case.

I believe creativity and inspiration can come from another Octave. We are all densities, all things.

[Night Owl]

Really cool do you play the piano yourself? Really cool vibe

[sjel]

Really cool do you play the piano yourself? Really cool vibe

yes i play the piano/other instruments through the keyboard and cut up drum samples, make the catalyst as articulate as i can! the extent to which I elaborate the piece represents how much attention I need to pay to the distortion.

[Night Owl]

You have a bit of a jazz background it seems. Did you study music in school or something? Do you have projects and collaborations?

[sjel]

You have a bit of a jazz background it seems. Did you study music in school or something? Do you have projects and collaborations?

I played classical for the first three years of high school, then started only playing my own composition. i didn't really study music. my "project" i guess would be my soundcloud, i just post some of my fleshed-out ideas on there

[Night Owl]

You seem to understand really well how intruments work with each other even though you have not studied music.

[sjel]

You seem to understand really well how intruments work with each other even though you have not studied music.

thanks night owl

[Night Owl]

What catalyst is that expressing? Or what kind of situation, images comes to your mind with that mood?

[Bring4th_Austin]

What happens is that I make a piece of music that embodies the catalyst I'm about to go through. Sometimes I really nail it, and the song is literally one with the catalyst - meaning that I hate/resist the song as much as I hate/resist that part of myself. And the music plays in my head whenever the catalyst is introducing itself in my life, it's a recurring theme for some number of days, occasionally weeks.

Here's the catalyst I am dealing with right now: https://soundcloud.com/sjel-1/kethel
I think that it represents a recurring distortion toward unworthiness

I have noticed the pattern - right after I make the music, I love it. I love my creation. Then the music becomes more than a creation, I realized I subconsciously manifested a distortion in myself that I need to deal with. Then comes the period of resistance. In the past, this period has ranged from extremely intense to mild. This resistance correlates with how much I despise the track. For the piece I just posted, I'm still at the part of the pattern where I'm attempting to accept the catalyst. At this stage, this track will play in my head as a soundtrack accompanying the distorted thoughts. This is a convenient way to know when I'm caught in a negative thought pattern - the music will play alongside the thought loop.

I find myself hating the song more and more until I finally start to understand and accept it. This is the exact moment that I have also begun to understand and accept the "negative" aspect of my personality.

they're not all negative catalyst. here's one that marked a time of transition, I think I may have been crossing a subdensity boundary when I made this: https://soundcloud.com/sjel-1/renbo

I really liked that song, as well as your explanation of how this creative outlets helps you to process your catalyst. Such an interesting, unique, and precise way of knowing the self. Thank you so much for sharing.

[Minyatur]

Really like your style.

This made me laugh :

S A L A U D says at 1:33:
putain ouais !! d'la bombe mon salaud !

[sjel]

What catalyst is that expressing? Or what kind of situation, images comes to your mind with that mood?

hmm. I don't know for sure yet, and it's definitely a combination of many things. part of it feels like a childlike resistance to my lessons im learning... part of it feels like a dry dirtiness, unworthiness. part of it feels like friction between the self and the environment.

as for the climax part, i can't tell yet what that is. maybe it's simply the peak of these frustrations? im still figuring out what that part means, by observing when it starts playing in my head as I go about my day.

I like to think that my higher self is inserting certain subtle sounds into the music. sometimes ill go back and listen to the finished piece and realize that there's several parts i wrote unconsciously. i feel like these parts are my higher self giving me hints.