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Not so honest wanderer - KMcNay - 02-03-2014
When I read the three things that L/L wants to tell you if you think you are a wanderer I began to cry, and I don't cry often. I'm not used to telling people the truth about what I experience, how I feel, and my past. I tell them a learned response because I know from experience the confused look on someone's face when they encounter a foreigner ... a wanderer. I started life out in a family that wasn't mine, in a place I didn't belong, and I didn't know where I was or how to get home. I did belong because I chose it, but you know what I mean I hope. I knew this at a young age. I have memories from 6 months old and I remember being pretty clear about things as early as 2 years old. By the age of 3, I was a happy and easy child, but a little dismayed by how bleak things were. I wasn't depressed, just not home. I've always felt that I had accomplishments that I couldn't quite access ... I learned things easily and quickly, so it took a long time for me to learn to apply myself. I didn't fit in at church or school, although people seem to like me well enough. Church is fine, but religion is not for me personally. I didn't get the social hierarchy or have the same interests and I didn't believe what they were telling me in church - at least not all of it. I've always had a feeling that something major was going to happen and that I needed to be here to help everyone through it - I've had that feeling since I was about 7 years old. I have no family now so I'm just waiting for whatever comes next. I have friends, some who are wanderers also, although we are far apart and can't see one other often.
My parents were ill and I pretty much raised myself. Consequently, I had to learn everything on my own, sometimes the hard way and sometimes just my way. Everything seemed a little odd to me and I wasn't a materialistic child or adult. I have a strong connection to nature and some people think I'm a little eccentric by the things I'm excited about - like finding a wild bee colony that is healthy. I'm tired of physical life - cook, shop, eat, sleep, work, although I like celebration, good food and a nice glass of wine, the daily grind is old and has always been challenging for me. I was and am definitely on the Hero's Journey. I'm trying to figure out what comes next where my home is, if it is even here in this time and space. I feel like a fractured Earthling with no tribe, no elders, no community because I have so much mixed blood. I do feel better reading that I don't have to do anything but be here. I still feel I need to do something, but I haven't found the right thing. I haven't found the confidence to be a public mystic. So, I'm concentrating on making herbals and healing energy garments/art-to-wear and hopefully going from a professional consulting business to a artist/counselor will be more satisfying. I moved to the woods where it's quiet, dark, and I can see the stars without light pollution. I like people, but my neighbors aren't just across the driveway and I don't have to pretend to want to do all the things they like and do or pretend to want to be glued to my TV to catch the new or the latest episode of Survivor ... friends have learned to tell me when something happens, but I've missed the obsessive fear of it all and that is fine with me.
When I met my psychic/therapist (he's both) he told me I had attachments and when he spoke with them and showed me how to keep myself clear he replied to their query "Yes, she is a light, but she is not 'the light". I had a dream 30 years ago that is still sooo vivid "You are the keeper of the light." I have flying dreams, see pranic energy, I've seen elementals in their natural state (a window opened and they showed me air sylphs because I asked them to, and was I surprised it lasted about 10 minutes and I was wide awake). I've received messages through birds ... I had a 3 year relationship with a mockingbird after my husband died and finally when I understood and accepted the message, it left for a week and then came back one morning to confirm the validity of my understanding. Among other things, it was time to move on with my life - after losing both parents and my husband. The economic downturn and my business wer next. Try telling a mockingbird story to the neighbors. LOL
I am lonesome sometimes and always have been. I don't think I've ever been truly loved, and I"m not saying that for pity, but it is what it is. When people are distracted with their own crisis, they aren't fully present and that was the case with my parents as with my husband. I had a long version of this post, but I deleted most of it. It doesn't matter anyway and whatever I've experienced, I weathered it, and it is what it was - I'm weary of it anyway. Everyone has a story, right? I may be a little cynical, or maybe just cautious of love these days. Everyone says it, but what do they actually mean by it? I haven't had the extraordinary experiences that I would like to have, but it's not over yet ... other people have, so maybe I will too. My worst fear is that nothing will happen or I won't have made a difference for being here. I'm tired and I've learned I'm not the inexhaustible resource I always thought I was. I've recharged somewhat, but I'm looking for a home where I can do my thing and live peacefully ... aren't most of us? I just have to figure out how.
~K
RE: Not so honest wanderer - Namaste - 02-03-2014
Welcome K, a great introduction. Many a person is going through, or has gone through what you are experiencing. Alienation is oft the basis of a young Wanderer.
Especially interested in this:
"a window opened and they showed me air sylphs because I asked them to, and was I surprised it lasted about 10 minutes and I was wide awake"
Could you describe further what you saw?
"I'm not yet in the place I'm supposed to be at"
Do you feel yourself a victim of society or loneliness? One's outer world always reflects the inner.
RE: Not so honest wanderer - isis - 02-03-2014
hey...the 1st time i checked out your story it was way longer...wasn't it?
i recently posted a seriously abridged wanderer story. when i was skimming your story (the longer 1) i thought, "yeah...i left out way too much..." then i thought about telling u how u inspired me to write another 1 & share more of what i have to share.
RE: Not so honest wanderer - KMcNay - 02-03-2014
Hi, I edited out my history - habit. I just joined this afternoon, so thanks for replying..Especially interested in this:
"a window opened and they showed me air sylphs because I asked them to, and was I surprised it lasted about 10 minutes and I was wide awake"
Could you describe further what you saw?
Yes, it was New Year's Day 2010 and I had sitting up in bed petting my cat. Cats help you to walk between worlds because they often do. <s> A window opened to my left slightly less than 2ft wide and about 1ft high. There were tiny, uniform 1/4" circles rimmed in light and packed tightly togehter in neat rows. They moved into view from the left side of the window and disappear again when they got to the right edge of the window. At first, I wondered if I looked directly at them if they would disappear, but they didn't. Then I looked right at them and although I had been up a while and was drinking coffee I felt I was in a meditative state or just very relaxed by their presence. (All this time my brilliant late-cat Nike was cuddling against my shoulder and didn't move. She was a very bright, awesome familiar.) I wondered what would happened if I blew on the light rings. I can't remember if I could see through them or not, but when I blew on them they gently moved with my breath and then regained their straight movement across the open window. After about 10 minutes or so, the window just shut. I haven't seen them since. I'd been having a discussion with my counselor about why seem to see elementals as fairies and his general belief is that it's cultural with myths, fairy tales and all, and their mind accommodates them. I wanted to see what they look like in a more, somewhat, natural form holding the air. It was pretty cool and the most esoteric experience I've ever had. I'm hoping to see other elementals, but maybe they all have the same look behind the veil (holding the form) with a different manifestation (water, earth, fire), I really don't know.
"I'm not yet in the place I'm supposed to be at"
Do you feel yourself a victim of society or loneliness? One's outer world always reflects the inner.
[/quote]
No, I don't feel like a victim at all, but it is most likely my own fault of perception. Although, if I as a US citizen was visiting a foreign country for an extended period of time I may, at some point, feel lonesome for the familiarity of home. I never feel lonely, but lonesome is different. I sometimes feel like I've been parked at the airport terminal for a few decades making polite chit chat waiting for my flight to be announced, regardless of how interested I am in the other people there. I'm working on myself and waiting for something more to happen within our society. Whether it will in my lifetime or not I can only guess. Like seeing the elemental window open, I do wish to experience profound change ... but you know what they say? Be careful what you ask for, right? <s> I work with a lot of 20-somethings and to them I'm relatively invisible, so it takes a lot to bridge the age gap. When I do they are frequently surprised that I am not what I look like. LOL
I shortened it a lot ...
(02-03-2014, 08:53 PM)truesimultaneity Wrote: hey...the 1st time i checked out your story it was way longer...wasn't it?
i recently posted a seriously abridged wanderer story. when i was skimming your story (the longer 1) i thought, "yeah...i left out way too much..." then i thought about telling u how u inspired me write another 1 & share more of what i have to share.
RE: Not so honest wanderer - Namaste - 02-03-2014
An incredible experience with the spheres. Would love to see that myself.
Your 'distance' with 3D is prevalent around here (of course), so make yourself at home! :¬)
RE: Not so honest wanderer - KMcNay - 02-03-2014
(02-03-2014, 08:53 PM)truesimultaneity Wrote: hey...the 1st time i checked out your story it was way longer...wasn't it?
i recently posted a seriously abridged wanderer story. when i was skimming your story (the longer 1) i thought, "yeah...i left out way too much..." then i thought about telling u how u inspired me write another 1 & share more of what i have to share.
Okay, I reworked what I had and deleted the original ... so here's what I edit out. I don't know why I don't get into it, except the impact of my upbringing and the emotional impact of it is difficult to describe, so out of habit I just don't - like it doesn't matter. I look forward to reading your story too.
My parents were nice people and my sister was too, although she was jealous of me the moment they brought me home from the hospital and she never got over it, really! We haven't spoken since the end of 2005 - we're not mad, we just don't because I need a who's who chart to follow her conversations and she's jealous of perceived inequalities that don't exist.
My father was a 100% service-connected disabled veteran and my mother had a weak heart from rumatic fever which ended when the doctors couldn't do a 5th open heart surgery. My father was unable to go anywhere alone, or stay home alone. They did their own business, did a lot of social work/domestic missionary work, and did not socialize otherwise. I had a "parental unit" rather than two parents with whom I did things, so I pretty much raised myself. I was "extra", so it didn't matter and that continued all my life. I still feel like an extra in life to some degree or another.
My father was nervous and sometimes lost control of his temper, although he never really directed it at me so much - he wasn't abusive physically or verbally. So, it took me a long time to realize the varying levels of subtle abuse that can occur, intended or not, from having mental illness in the family. I was not unloved, but I don't think I have ever truly been loved by anyone. I had no kindred spirits and I never told my anyone when I was hurt or suffering. When I did my first abstract spirit painting in a class a few years ago, and I turned the paintining upside down, I was startled to realize it was a scarred heart. I'm very strong and resilient, but there was a point in my life when I learned I was not the inexhaustible resource I thought I was.
My parents had slightly different religious beliefs and I cannot really tell you what they were. My mother had a lot of metaphysical experiences and to tell you the truth perhaps my father did also, but it scared him. They didn't talk to me of religion or their experiences in order to keep the family peace. I've wondered if my Mom was a wanderers who got lost in illness along the way.
I was the 'extra' girl in my family and it wasn't until my father's death that he said he never thought I'd be the one to take care of him. Of course, I ALWAYS knew that I would be the one because I was the one who understood them. My sister asked me once how I could forgive them - I knew what she meant - but, I told her I didn't think I would have done much better in their situation, so what was to forgive? At my mother's death bed, my sister asked why I could make her laugh and she made her cry. I couldn't explain it that it was because Mom knew I knew her and understood what she needed and that she needed to go.
At 5 years old I was told I could go to church if I wanted and they would take me and pick me up. Through the course of my life I've attended all sorts of churches - Baptist to Spiritualist. At an early age I pretty much rejected the notion of religion because I didn't need someone else to talk to God for me and I didn't understand how such similar churches could fight and break apart. Church was only a social outlet although I found my own sanctuary wherever I was. I went to church until I couldn't stand it any longer and I was tired of people trying to 'save' me. I'm happy that people find comfort there and I'm glad they do and wish I could see past the dogma and fear that is present in so many religions to what I know is really there. It's just that I don't find comfort there very often.
You know, I think may be just what I need right now. I feel a little stuck, for practical reasons, but stuck none the less. Thanks.
(02-03-2014, 09:41 PM)Namaste Wrote: An incredible experience with the spheres. Would love to see that myself.
Your 'distance' with 3D is prevalent around here (of course), so make yourself at home! :¬)
RE: Not so honest wanderer - Jade - 02-03-2014
Welcome K. There is a lot of comfort in the lonely soul to find out that one is a wanderer. (I typed "soil" three times while trying to type soul, I suppose it fits too)
I have lots of crazy bird stories, so you are definitely amongst like minds here.
Love to you and thanks for sharing your story. The biggest lesson a lot of us are here to learn deals with giving love without the expectation of love in return. It sounds like you've had a lot of experience with this. Thank you for all you've given.
RE: Not so honest wanderer - reeay - 02-03-2014
Welcome K, honored to meet you and welcome 'home' (temporary but still..)
Thank you so much for sharing your remarkable story about your journey. Going progressively towards living a life that one really fits with (whether it be occupation or where we live or what we do) seems like indicator for an entity becoming more in alignment with self & purpose here. Great to hear you're recharging.
RE: Not so honest wanderer - Melissa - 02-04-2014
Welcome and thank you for sharing your story
You wrote that you think you've never been truly loved, I certainly can relate to that, by humans that is. I think it's why nature plays such an important role in my life as well, she's always there, unconditionally loving and nurturing. I was wondering kind of garments you're designing? Art-to-wear sounds fascinating! Best wishes to you on your journey.
RE: Not so honest wanderer - KMcNay - 02-04-2014
(02-03-2014, 10:53 PM)Jade Wrote: Welcome K. There is a lot of comfort in the lonely soul to find out that one is a wanderer. (I typed "soil" three times while trying to type soul, I suppose it fits too)
I have lots of crazy bird stories, so you are definitely amongst like minds here.
Love to you and thanks for sharing your story. The biggest lesson a lot of us are here to learn deals with giving love without the expectation of love in return. It sounds like you've had a lot of experience with this. Thank you for all you've given.
W'ere made of soil, aren't we? Nice typo.
You know, most of the time giving love without expecting anything is really easy. If they are strangers, no problem, friends, that's okay too and even family when I know they just aren't in the place to give it. For me, the difficult part was not receiving a "quality" of love from a family member or spouse that was congrument over time. Am I making sense? Perhaps, for me, it was that this took such a large block of time in my life that left me a little depleted. Now, rather than looking for 'personal' love, I look to avoid it and I stay focused on friends and community instead. I know this isn't an unusual story.
(02-04-2014, 01:48 AM)Melissa Wrote: Welcome and thank you for sharing your story
Art-to-wear ... natural fibers (cotton, hemp, silk) - hand dyed or painted. these are comfortable, loose fitting outer wear that can be dressed up or down. I start with folk patterns and modify them for the contemporary westerner. I have a central theme, but that will be clear when I have enough finished to photograph and sell. I'm still working full time, as much as I'd like to stay work and dye fabric. It's a journey ...
Thank you for all for the lovely welcome. I think this forum will be not only healing, but a great mirror too. I've been very chatty since yesterday, so I think it's time I read all of your stories. I'm grateful to be here. ~Karen