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I will regret posting this… - third-density-being - 06-27-2017
There’s no place but this Forum, where I can express myself. My thoughts and here.
I do not know what is peace. Inner peace. I live in constant struggle within Self regarding Other-Selves. Recently it became so strong, I almost cannot feel or think about anything else. Overpowering, massive, “it” is “all” within me so often these days, that I don’t know anymore where it all will lead me. I feel like I’m loosing myself badly and I’m weeks away from breaking somehow. I don’t even know how – by hurting Other-Selves, hurting Self or simply to withdraw from everything and everyone even more, than I already have. Oh, and I have done this so efficiently that there are only few close People to me – People who still accepts me and Who I, somehow, “left within Self”.
I believe (consciously used symbol/word) that I am a Soul Experiencing Self as a Creature and there’s no day passing by without me questioning my presence here, within this reality, whole reincarnational system even, called “Our Octave”. So many times I’ve promised Self that when only I die, I will never come back. No matter what.
I feel sometimes anger for – as I reduce this Knowledge to – an extension of vast and incomprehensible Being/Entity which does not count in the long run. I deeply hope that I will be able to maintain my anger and repulsiveness toward Other-Selves after I die. To somehow refuse to merge with greater portion Self and being reduced to “experience based reflection”.
Even thought I became clearly aware of all this I also know that I will not change. Not now. I do not know how. I find within Self … small interest to do that.
I am always polite and well mannered. I was raised like that and I try to maintain it, as I think it is important to offer/preserve respect of Other-Selves. But within my thoughts I am not polite nor well mannered. I’m cruel, vulgar and primitive. I’m ashamed of that. Deeply sometimes. And sometimes not. Yet, I’m never proud of it. Not even close to that state of Self.
Between me and You, there’s a wall I’m building with my words. I build well. And show You with my wall different Self. Self I don’t even know. Self I don’t want to experience. Awful Creature I do not like. I am waiting for my death. Impatiently, looking forward it, hoping for it to come sooner than later.
I cannot kill myself. I would have to than relive this hell, this beautiful pain, those endless days with repetitive content. I truly see no point in my existence. With what I know now, I am irritated at best with this existence. Why would I want to experience Self as this Creature?
I’m devastated with all this. Deeply. I guess Knowledge-Bringers were conscious that some of Us react like that. Acceptable cost. I understand and am grateful. Because I know.
Yes, I wrote before that I “believe”, but I think more precise symbol/word is “to know”. Within Self, with utmost certainty, beyond any doubt. Because I also Feel all this and in this matter, for once, my Mind and Body agrees completely.
Mind may do many different things with Self, but there’s always a point, at which Body will intervene with such momentum, that Mind will have to reconfigure to some degree.
Mind-Self is always different from Mind-Self-Other-Self. Even the very same content – to think of a/imagining a meeting and emotions, and to experience it.
I find content of my Mind more important that what is going on “out side”, about me, out side of my Mind/Body (Soul is not available at this time).
Consciousness is represented and led by the Mind. In the end, when material vehicle will cease to function, content of the Mind will be that, which will be couched by the Soul until reached Greater Self (portion of Self that cannot be expressed together with Our “current Self”. This reality cannot handle Us in full. I see myself as “fluid greater Self” offering each part of Self to express “here and now” in time.
This is irritating sometimes as well – Greater Self have already expressed Self and Knows. Only We don’t due to the “time rule” of this existence/reality. Focused portion of Self here and now do not know. Led by the Mind which must think that he does. It is required to think that to function. That’s how it all starts. Seekings of beyond that leads to unexpected attitudes and reactions. To changes that may result in gradual withdrawing Consciousness from the Body, from this reality. With enough focus and dedication, I believe One can die from Body failure. When enough time will pass with such dramatic state of Self.
I just observed carefully my hand for a while and this it totally crazy. I am a freaking Creature! Why in the… I would want that? To learn what is like to feel pain? Well, mission accomplished, we can go. Just say when. Seriously, common, don’t keep me waiting.
At some point I felt it all. I could seriously leave now.
I am disappointed with Self. Unspeakably. There’s no point in prolonging this.
OK, One can argue that for Other-Selves. I cannot see it, but impact I have on Other-Selves is needed. Even if it is diminishing for me, less than respectful, it is important to endure for Them. Whatever was/is/will be changed within Their lives by my influence, is needed. Maybe it’s something that will help Them to become more? – whatever that may mean.
I hate that argument. There’s nothing that Mind can offer as contra. None. What? “So what?” Too childish for Him. “Who cares?” I do. And I cannot lie to Self about it any longer.
I don’t want “this” but I want for Other-Selves to succeed. Very much. Unspeakably.
I am truly not from here. Not even close.
RE: I will regret posting this… - Minyatur - 06-27-2017
Hate is always understandable yet it is never rightful outside that it is understandable, and so I think the balanced approach to hatred is to dive into the more vulnerable self to distill the unhealed wounds from which this hate springs. To cling to hate is to cling to be hurt in a manner that avoids touching the deeper wounds, might offer a sense that it feels better in the present moment but it simply prolongs one's hell until a harmonious perception is instead sought.
I can't really speak of the fate which has led you here upon this planet but to me it seems that what would make it most likely for you to not reincarnate is to succeed in distilling all this hate you feel and certainly not cling to it. We incarnate hoping for moments of transformations and one's life struggles speak of one's distortions and resistances to embodying/expressing awareness of unity and which are desired to be released by the Greater Self.
Release all your pain, it is freeing to be without it and only then may peace be found.
RE: I will regret posting this… - smc - 06-28-2017
so many thoughts arise from your words...
it's very difficult and yet sanity producing to read your 'state' - because I can SO relate - and the pain of being a 'creature' is so weird isn't it...!
having a flesh body affixed in time and space - being the only one inside this body... being an alien from a trillion somethings away
the isolation - the sometimes terrifying /glitch/ of 'existing' like THIS - and - in this (seemingly arbitrary "here and now")
I live with the itch to not continue being 'here'
(I'm very cross with my pre incarnate Self/SMC/whatever that has put mySelf into this awful world/time with a veil so strong and loneliness, betrayal, deprivation, and psychic and physical agony that makes so little sense (with the supposed best answer for all of it - that it's "creator experiencing itself" and "learning" etc....) (like - blerrrr.... eff off!)
I live daily as a near total orphan - family estranged (and abusive), forever single, friends far away in other parts of a big country....
the only thing keeping me alive is sobriety, ssri's, good food, my 2 sweet funny guinea pigs - and watching whales and dolphins out my windows
there better be a massive welcome home when I die... and the hardest part? loving this world (in parts) also... so don't want to leave the parts that I do care about
if it helps at all thankyou for your words - you're more understood than you might think...
if you'd like Usui Reiki sent to you let me know... it would be like a small gentle 'mind meld' (between you and the ALL THAT IS) and may provide some soothing for you...
nature has a quiet and massive healing - can you BE in nature somewhere? nature is also 'non human' and may speak to you and comfort you on a very deep level way beyond words, ideas, and in a different resonance to the human psychology overlay that can jar with alien souls...
even sitting next to a plant or fire/candle... Nature is said to be first dimension - but like the Tarot - 0 Fool card, it's both the beginning and the end - so I feel it is 8D/1D - fully evolved/fully new octave
love to you
I remind myself I volunteered to come here - and try to have a chuckle at how hard I'm going to kick mySelf when I get back after this 'assignment' ! 0_0
I also suggest you try reaching out with your heart/mind for help from your non human family/non corporeal entities/Angels/energetic presences.... and actively seek their psychic support - surround yourself in total positive light before and during doing this -
if you would like some Reiki (Universal Life Force/Light) sent to you let me know
you feel alone - but you are NOT alone
sharing here is a brave step -
ask
reach out to the Ether - I think they're waiting to come to you and help - but require being asked/your permission first.
RE: I will regret posting this… - fiatlux0 - 06-29-2017
(06-27-2017, 05:20 PM)third-density-being Wrote: Why would I want to experience Self as this Creature?
A very good question that comes from your experiential wisdom! You have made great progress on your journey in the 3rd density, but you might not have noticed.
Now find that freedom, little by little, to experience Self slightly differently in each present moment. Be very patient with yourself. You will succeed.
Love and light to you.