Quote:I had had a dream where, in a part of a large house, some people had mysteriously died. Then I was elsewhere, riding along a kind of track in a somewhat unsafe cart. The route is familiar, and I'm accompanying my father. The ride goes up and over a mountain cliff, then there's a malfunction and the cart stops. It then resumes, but eventually it's best for us to get off anyway, at a point where the ride goes through tunnels. We intend to walk on and get help from staff at a point further on. Then my father suddenly collapses and I carry him. Then I encounter a very very large, black leech which intends to prey upon me. I kill it with a kife, and it feels as if I've cut something dark which is inside of/somehow part of myself. There is then the sudden awareness that this enemy is one I have encountered before in different shapes, and that I will encounter it again.

In the dream, I carry on and eventually come back to the house. A person tells me that the bodies of the people who had died contained large amounts of some metal and had all been found in a specific room. I follow him as he goes into that room. Just outside, a large monster then floats under the ceiling towards me. I am aware that this is the same enemy previously encountered, though in a stronger form. It extends something to stab me with, and I grab and hold on to it to avoid the stab. It floats into the room and, hanging on, I follow. There I see the person standing, while in a chair at the other end of the room, there sits a person who radiates malevolent intent. Thinking that I can't fight the monster, and having now become aware that this is a dream, I wake myself up before I get to have a painful experience. However, as I wake up, I'm left with a strange feeling that waking up won't change anything.

Quote:When I first wrote down this dream just after having it, I felt an uncomfortable presence in the room, and then a cold sensation followed by numbness on the left side of my stomach.

Later the same day there was a unique (in my life) dissociative experience. [...] "[On the way home from school, at] first I became strangely detached, then outright depersonalized. By the time I had begun to make my way home through the cold, snowy weather, I had lost all emotional awareness, as well as the usual warm "presence" that is normally there within but seldom thought of, and only a very small part of "myself" remained, including physical sensation - though the coldness of the weather had no "impact" and was perceived in an indifferent and neutral manner - as well as my raw intellect. I could "think", mechanically and simply, but as I wrote after getting home, "I know what I think, but I don't feel it.""

After some sleep I felt pretty much normal again. This event was however around the time I became emotionally numbed in general, lots of negative emotion having bottled up with no way to deal with it, except [dissociation].

Quote:There's a kind of nightmare which I used to have, since fairly early in childhood and up until some years ago. [Associated with] with splits in emotional attitudes [at unconscious levels]. These were dreams where I was chased by some adversary who, if I was caught, would inflict pain on me. When I became aware that it was a dream, I would then try to wake up before I got to experience something horrible.

Somewhere around 2007-2008 - or so I think - I experienced while awake this split-off "adversary" as a second, more distant emotional "self" (dissociated attitude and parallel "track" of feeling). Upon recognizing it and seeing its role, my immediate, childish response was to somehow "take revenge" in an emotional way - and in return I felt sadness and hurt somewhat "at a distance". Then I took a more constructive approach. Eventually there was a point where I managed to remove the mental "split", and suddenly my mental presence felt twice as large - but I don't think it was a lasting change. I'm guessing that the split I became aware of and explored then may be related to recent events [meaning the inner upheaval].

At a much later point, I overpowered "the adversary" in one dream and then had a calm conversation, and that was the end of those dreams. Since then - but earlier than recent events - there have been further waking experiences involving some kind of mending of splits in emotional attitudes or "selves". Again, no idea exactly what such waking experiences - and even less dreams - have represented in more concrete terms. All I know is that evidently, a great deal was left unresolved. (Though even in recent events, things have been on the whole less messy than they were back in, say, 2007 and 2008. [My mind seeming more solid but a "twist" occcuring further beneath the surface, in the inner upheaval.])

(09-09-2020, 11:19 AM)Asolsutsesvyl Wrote: To begin with, a dream from 2006, a grim one, and a psycho-spiritual theme. (I mentioned it in a discussion in "Jim Kent +"'s thread, but here is something more complete and some later clarity.)

The quoted write-up is from 2015, but I looked at earlier writing back then. I wrote in the midst of an upheaval and fears about possession by negative entities.

Quote:I had had a dream where, in a part of a large house, some people had mysteriously died. Then I was elsewhere, riding along a kind of track in a somewhat unsafe cart. The route is familiar, and I'm accompanying my father. The ride goes up and over a mountain cliff, then there's a malfunction and the cart stops. It then resumes, but eventually it's best for us to get off anyway, at a point where the ride goes through tunnels. We intend to walk on and get help from staff at a point further on. Then my father suddenly collapses and I carry him. Then I encounter a very very large, black leech which intends to prey upon me. I kill it with a kife, and it feels as if I've cut something dark which is inside of/somehow part of myself. There is then the sudden awareness that this enemy is one I have encountered before in different shapes, and that I will encounter it again.

In the dream, I carry on and eventually come back to the house. A person tells me that the bodies of the people who had died contained large amounts of some metal and had all been found in a specific room. I follow him as he goes into that room. Just outside, a large monster then floats under the ceiling towards me. I am aware that this is the same enemy previously encountered, though in a stronger form. It extends something to stab me with, and I grab and hold on to it to avoid the stab. It floats into the room and, hanging on, I follow. There I see the person standing, while in a chair at the other end of the room, there sits a person who radiates malevolent intent. Thinking that I can't fight the monster, and having now become aware that this is a dream, I wake myself up before I get to have a painful experience. However, as I wake up, I'm left with a strange feeling that waking up won't change anything.

The dream came around the time I became emotionally numbed in my late teens. I would spend many years after wondering whether I would ever feel fully again.

Quote:When I first wrote down this dream just after having it, I felt an uncomfortable presence in the room, and then a cold sensation followed by numbness on the left side of my stomach.

Later the same day there was a unique (in my life) dissociative experience. [...] "[On the way home from school, at] first I became strangely detached, then outright depersonalized. By the time I had begun to make my way home through the cold, snowy weather, I had lost all emotional awareness, as well as the usual warm "presence" that is normally there within but seldom thought of, and only a very small part of "myself" remained, including physical sensation - though the coldness of the weather had no "impact" and was perceived in an indifferent and neutral manner - as well as my raw intellect. I could "think", mechanically and simply, but as I wrote after getting home, "I know what I think, but I don't feel it.""

After some sleep I felt pretty much normal again. This event was however around the time I became emotionally numbed in general, lots of negative emotion having bottled up with no way to deal with it, except [dissociation].

In the years after, I developed serious issues with intrusive thoughts, automatically comparing myself with and fearing that I had something to do with every evil or terrible thing I heard or read about, etc. I went through everything in life with that inner obstacle slowing and weighing me down.

In dreams, some kind of curious inner division, and inner fighting between two "halves" of the self, are a larger theme. I also described that in 2015:

Quote:There's a kind of nightmare which I used to have, since fairly early in childhood and up until some years ago. [Associated with] with splits in emotional attitudes [at unconscious levels]. These were dreams where I was chased by some adversary who, if I was caught, would inflict pain on me. When I became aware that it was a dream, I would then try to wake up before I got to experience something horrible.

Somewhere around 2007-2008 - or so I think - I experienced while awake this split-off "adversary" as a second, more distant emotional "self" (dissociated attitude and parallel "track" of feeling). Upon recognizing it and seeing its role, my immediate, childish response was to somehow "take revenge" in an emotional way - and in return I felt sadness and hurt somewhat "at a distance". Then I took a more constructive approach. Eventually there was a point where I managed to remove the mental "split", and suddenly my mental presence felt twice as large - but I don't think it was a lasting change. I'm guessing that the split I became aware of and explored then may be related to recent events [meaning the inner upheaval].

At a much later point, I overpowered "the adversary" in one dream and then had a calm conversation, and that was the end of those dreams. Since then - but earlier than recent events - there have been further waking experiences involving some kind of mending of splits in emotional attitudes or "selves". Again, no idea exactly what such waking experiences - and even less dreams - have represented in more concrete terms. All I know is that evidently, a great deal was left unresolved. (Though even in recent events, things have been on the whole less messy than they were back in, say, 2007 and 2008. [My mind seeming more solid but a "twist" occcuring further beneath the surface, in the inner upheaval.])

The years are significant. In late 2007, I got acquainted with the Cassiopaean material. In the years after, at times of inner upheaval, inner conflict reached new extremes, in which I began to suspect that some evil external entity had become attached to me.

At the same time, through efforts of will, I had got my mind sharper and better-functioning over the years. The self-work and spiritual knowledge of the Cassiopaea community seemed the key to overcoming the problems I faced. Even when I wrote in 2015, I still thought that the approach of the Cassiopaea community had been the best turning point in my life.

Yet, it did not resolve the deepest issues. It did not make possible a harmonious healing. Instead, the dividing of self from self is furthered through that teaching. It mandates that various psycho-spiritual things simply cannot be admitted in self and in others, and others must be viewed as being there, and specific angles must be maintained when viewing things for the sake of "objectivity". The specific pattern is unique to the group, and presented as better and truer understanding than all alternatives. And for it to be at odds with your personal experience automatically, unambiguously means you are more STS or otherwise defective.

You can relate that to part of what Montalk observed about the developing negative psychic structure of that community, in a warning I did not heed in time. The "two-pronged" way in which people are influenced and which may lead to them struggling senselessly with themselves...

I questioned myself endlessly during my time in the Cassiopaea community, and feared that I may secretly have some evil influence connected to me which may lead to me harming others or being like a trojan horse. Then it turns out that, like other self-fighting people there, I had the shadow of that group projected inwards (introjected), together with everything good about myself projected outwards (onto the group).

Something pulled me out of that mess. As if my spirituality and that of the group turned out to be like oil and water, and the spirit of what I was more deeply about eventually came and lifted me away, even as I ended up inwardly kicking and screaming about it at first in the midst of confusion.

Anyway, in hindsight, and in thinking back to even earlier dreams and symbolism, things from the years before my time in that community often runs symbolically parallel to things during those years. My older teenage mess of self-alienation has something significant in common with the later mess of cult indoctrination. The earlier mess may have not only pushed me towards the group, but also helped prepare me to eventually see through and move away from it, and learn more deeply from it all.

Some of the early dream-themes of self-conflict have repeated in the time after leaving the group, now resolving in a different way over time. As if recapitulating and resolving a series of inner-life lessons differently... I even had a dream like a new version of the 2006 dream, but at the same time a time travel drama in which everything looked different and ended positively.

(12-21-2020, 10:27 AM)Eddie Wrote: Clearly, it was a message to me; there are others, from other realms, who watch over us, and wish the best for us. Now, at the time of chaos at the transition of ages, we should focus not on the negative, but upon love and joy, and the goal of unity. THERE IS HOPE.

(11-25-2021, 05:07 PM)zedro Wrote: Funny it's all planes trains and automobiles for me, and confusing city layouts, getting lost, not arriving on time, not knowing my destination, etc. I wouldn't concentrate too much on the mode of travel, but the context surrounding it.

(11-25-2021, 05:18 PM)flofrog Wrote:

(11-25-2021, 05:07 PM)zedro Wrote: Funny it's all planes trains and automobiles for me, and confusing city layouts, getting lost, not arriving on time, not knowing my destination, etc. I wouldn't concentrate too much on the mode of travel, but the context surrounding it.

Too funny Zedro… for a whole month in September I had only that kind of dreams … so much that by middle of the month inside the dream I would shrug, and think it’s ok because it ends all right anyway so it’s ok not to know where I go, lol